some of the Neurotypical relationship patterns I had to teach my partner to unlearn

One thing I also had to teach my boyfriend is that I process emotions slowly and alone. This means if I'm crying, let me cry. If I'm mad, let me think and figure out why. Don't immediately try to hug the bad emotion away or instantly solve my problem just because it makes you uncomfortable to see me struggle.

I, as an autistic person, need to learn to take things literally too, because life has taught me that people do not mean what they say and I always have to solve riddles like I have nothing better to do

I think a lot of the time people don’t just ask directly because they haven’t prepared themselves for a potential “No”.

I had a falling-out with friends recently because I kept telling them that ambiguity doesn't work with me and that if someone is frustrated, annoyed, upset, etc, to just straight up tell me what's wrong and why because I won't know otherwise. I also said that my brain separates critique from meanness, and being straight with me was the best way to go for any problem, tiny or huge. So yeah. A several month long problem nobody told me about boiled over, there was an argument, and I dipped. Sucks! But like.... What else can you do when you LITERALLY tell people EXACTLY how to talk to you more than once and they don't do it because of their own hangups?

That TikTok hinting trend is at the root of all of my social challenges. It even connects to those “projection of envy compliments” NTs sometimes give, where they’re actually signalling envy, like “I love that shirt on you!” = “I’m envious that she looks good today”. My Autistic self has only ever complimented ppl when I mean it, otherwise I don’t say anything. But because NTs and allistics speak so covertly, I’ve found that my literal authentic compliments have gotten sideyed and ppl were getting offended because they thought I was insulting them. Like whatttt 😭 Took me decades to learn that this was even happening.

It was actually triggering to hear some of those examples, particularly the one on literalism, in that I totally relate. I'm not even sure if it's a neurodivergent thing or just plain disrespect. If I say no and someone continues to push or "interprets it as something else", I view that as a violation of consent and will NOT tolerate anyone in my life who does that. I don't think someone needs neurodivergent awareness to be understand that. Of course, neurodivergence could make us more sensitive to such.

My mind was blown with every word you said, of course you explained it great but the hidden meanings behind neurotypical communication is so confusing, I never would have arrived at the true meaning before now. This honestly makes so much more sense as to why my past relationships were struggling because we were speaking two different languages without knowing.

It is very fortunate for you that you have your psychology background to be able to clearly see the unhealthy behavior he needed to unlearn, and you were strong enough to put your foot down about it and know you deserved to be treated better than that. Communication is key for everyone.

Once I sense Im being herded, I straight up just address it and either agree or disagree. This has taken me yrs to get comfortable doing. My mother was my first herder. My response almost feels like a response to my trauma. It feels like manipulation.

I had a thought. I'd like my fellow NDs to weigh in on this. So from my experience with NTs and becoming adept at communicating with them(at the expense of my own burnouts), I think after watching this an NT might think "where's the fun in such a straightforward relationship? Where's the banter?" To that I would like to tell them: Have you noticed how some ppl who have just come out of an abusive/manipulative relationship tend to initially find healthy relationships boring because they haven't healed from the toxic patterns programmed into their psyche during the toxic relationship? Yeah so because you(allistics) are so used to such roundabout communication you think the literal straightforward way austictic NDs communicate is "boring" or without banter/fun. Its just peaceful n healthier. Even for NTs. Way less everyday stress you didn't even know you were unnecessarily living with.

I never understood why "herding" would really upset me. My best friend can cross this boundary a lot and it always results in arguments. I feel like I've been having trouble explaining to them why it upsets me. Herding is such a great word for it.

I understand and like the concept of parallel play too! It's fine to need someone near you but not actively interacting with you because you are both pursuing you own personal enjoyment.😊

I can absolutely relate to this. I ended up breaking up with my partner because he couldn't stop herding my attention to things I didn't want to pay attention to, and every time I spoke up - I felt as if he was deliberately contrarian in order to command the flow of things. Absolutely frustrating. He's, for sure, undiagnosed ADHD because every time we were in really populated areas - he could not focus, let alone see how miserable I was trying to keep my center from him.

I've never been in a relationship, but the "herding" mentality of the people I was interested in romantically were often the cause of situationships ending. Case in point: had been flirting pretty extensively with a coworker for months, but he would try to guide the conversation in a way to meet his needs, without speaking clearly. Finally disengaged when i realized (after the third time of him bringing it up with no prompting in my presence) the fact that he would "kill for a girl who would pack him a lunch." He did not ask, just expectected me to comply. The worst part is I made him food a month before of my own volition that he never touched! All that is to say, i find it a testament to you and your partner's maturity, to be able to work on these issues in a talking stage and continuously grow together as a couple, because a lot of people never unlearn "herding," even some ND people who picked up the habit from masking. This is only sort of related, but writing this all down made me realize I would LOVE to hear your perspective on autism and aging/real maturity/perceived maturity! Thank you for all of your insight, as usual. ❤

This was really interesting. I never thought about it in these terms, I say straight up I don't do mind games, just be honest with me and don't sugar coat things. I don't want to play guessing games, just be direct in a kind way and we're all good. People are usually relieved to hear that and find it really refreshing that I don't play mind games, but then they still did... I finally found someone that gets me (which I was seriously doubting would ever happen) and our communication is amazing! He's so easy to be around and I feel completely comfortable and safe being me. I'm honestly amazed. For those of you that are totally frustrated, you could find someone when you least expect it! Good luck!

I hate hate hate herding behavior. I’m “too” direct according to my partner though. So if I ask him for or express why I expected certain behaviors. That can trigger my partner’s demand avoidance! It’s tough to unlearn behaviors if you are in any kind of interabled relationship. For both/all parties involved.

Oops, shit. I'm the ND one but actually also the one guilty of some of these. Mine comes from a place of feeling unworthy and not wanting to inconvenience anyone. I'm often asking "permission" to get or do things I want, but in a very timid way, and it starts to look like herding or non-straightforward communication. Parallel play though? Heck yes!! I'll often wander into my partner's office while they're working and they'll be like, "I'm busy." Me: "I know, I won't bother you." If I'm not told to leave, they'll be asking me what's up and did I want something right now... Nope. I just wanted to sit on the floor near your desk and chill. I did manage to set up a big floofy blanket in there to nap on once. It's still sitting there under the window, a nice soft spot to sit when I'm not doing chores and they're not in a meeting. (I'll voluntarily leave for those - live webcam and hot mic!)

I learned about my own autism after watching my partner go into autistic meltdown/ shut down. Since then I’ve been working on creating healthy strategies like you describe here “clear communication,” “communicating before a shutdown and then transitioning into care and support.”as well as dropping the mask and taking care of our sensory needs My partner does not want to have autism or learn anything about himself in this way…. Which is very hard because when I try and communicate my support needs and how I want to be treated, he feels annoyed and burdened by taking care of my support needs because his are so neglected. I’m frustrated because I feel we could learn how to coregulate and work together, but his refusal to accept his own autism and support needs is preventing him to being present in this way for me

I was really triggered by the herding example. I had a similar experience, but I was the one starting the conversations with my ex most mornings (if I wasn't texting first, we weren't talking that day), and one morning while commuting to work I was so much into a book I was reading and wanted to spend first hours quietly "by myself" reading (I was in my reading mode), that I just forgot to text her. She started texting with "are you ok?". Similar conversation: " yes, why?" - "well, you haven't texted me first." - "oh, I was just reading." And then it went downhill: "so now I need to be the one who texts first now" and so one, blaming me for something. In less than half an hour we broke up, just by the time I got to work, and I went into the shutdown with enormous anxiety after being blamed for something/everything, and sometime after, after a couple of threats to hurt me, I blocked her everywhere. You may find my situation not being the same, but actually, it is, as communication works both ways, and you can't get angry at a person for something that you decided for and by yourself and never discussed or agreed upon with another person. If you like to be texted every single morning, and a person doing this for some time, you can express that you like it and agree that they will be doing this. Here you are not communicating, overthinking yourself to point of anxiety (this happens, it's fine), and then putting full blame on another person (and this is definitely not fine). For context, I am AuDHDer, and my ex has bipolar, so both are neurotypical. I do what I want/feel like doing, but if you expect something from me, you need to be CLEAR with me, not just with yourself about YOUR expectations and the rules that YOU are putting for US as a couple.

This made me think of this guy I was dating a while back. He was really not great at being upfront and also pretty shitty about making time for me (separate issues but related in this particular story)- he told me that he was hanging out with a new female friend which upset me because he never made an effort to do things like that (what they were doing) with me, so I was basically like, idc who you hang out with bc we aren't a couple but I don't need to hear the details... and he was like oh are you jealous lol (as if he were happy to know that), and I was like yes, but if your intention was to make me jealous to confirm if I like you this isn't going to work, you need to be upfront or I'm going to cut this shit off. He was completely taken aback... I was so confused and upset because why would you try to make me jealous? Why can't you just be explicit about what you want and how you feel? Which I guess is where that discrepancy of literal vs implied communication butt heads. I am a very literal person so if I tell you I like you I mean it 100%, but a lot of guys don't believe me because at the same time, I'm not very verbally or physically affectionate otherwise, especially at the beginning stages of dating... so they think I'm not interested. But for me, I'm like if I am making time and effort to be around you, and I tell you I like you- I mean those things. I am a horrible liar lmao