Autistic Social Skills - How to Read Social Cues Better

I have an alternate string of events: 1. Stress out extremely to the point you're getting cold sweat. 2. Go through every possible thing she could want from you. 3. Stop breathing regularly. 4. Come to the conclusion, that she wants to use the machine you're currently using. 5. Go to her. 6. Tell her, she can now use the machine. 7. Walk away in a fast, but socially acceptable, way. 8. Never go to that gym again. 9. Start a new life in the outback as fire fighter.

Sometimes I glance at people because I think they look interesting and not necessarily because I want to talk to them and I quickly look away because I don’t want them to notice. Like, I think they have a fun character design basically.

When I find myself engaging in that same behavior (glancing at someone repetitively), it's not because I want to interact with that person. It’s usually because there’s something about them that caught my eye. Like a pretty hair color or nice clothes (that's almost the same to me as looking at a pretty light or the fall colors of a tree), or something that intrigues me about their appearance or behavior. Even if it's because I find them attractive, I generally don't want to initiate a conversation, I'm just happy about the visual sensory stimulation. So if I notice this behavior in someone else, I don't assume it means they want to interact with me. No wonder I can never tell if someone is flirting with me :')

It's really important to remember that not everyone follows neurotypical rules, even if you read them at neurotypical. I caused myself A LOT of emotional harm by assuming people were following neurotypical rules.

Another possible option: she thought you looked familiar and was trying to remember where she saw you from (or has an acquaintance with someone who looks very similar to you). Just a thought

I would've assumed she was looking at me because there was something wrong with my clothes, or I was in her way and she was hoping I would move, or something like that. I would have assumed that if she wanted to talk to me she would just do that herself.

I want to share an insight that has come to me since my ASD discovery, one that maybe will prove helpful to others. The ASD discovery and its tsunami of insights came very late to me in life (65), and I like to think that perhaps something I say here might help much younger people and spare them decades of useless anxiety. Because of this discovery I have a new, dare I say miraculously new, freedom to do certain things simply because I want to, I need to, they are what works for me, and I no longer need to allow that inner visceral "clutch" of self-doubt, embarrassment, guilt, disorientation (wait, what, there's something improper about this?), when others question me with a tone vaguely bordering on ridicule ("Why on earth would you do that?", "That's silly, you don't need to do that," "That's a waste of time and money," "Oh, I would never do that; here's a much simpler way," etc.). For instance, I am now en route from a city in Country A to a city in Country B. I could certainly do the entire trip in a day...a very long day...with one change of trains, and also the bother of passport control, long lines.... That prospect--doing the whole thing in a day--always, viscerally, horrifies me. Instead, I go to a city near the Country B border where I stay in a hotel for a night, then take the next train into Country B the next day, after a good night's sleep, a leisurely breakfast, a reassuring re-pack of my things and reorientation to the new day's journey. I NEED it, viscerally, psychically (i.e., "existentially"). The standard reaction when I tell people I do this is that I'm doing it the least efficient way, wasting money, "Why, don't you know you could already be there in nine, ten (maybe 11) hours and save yourself a whole's day's travel and hotel costs?" Somehow what they seem incapable of registering is that, to me, that sounds the same as saying, "Why, don't you know that instead of that ham sandwich you could chew glass?" But I've never been equipped, that is, until my ASD discovery, to understand my preferences, my NEEDS, as anything but childish, foolishly impractical, self-indulgent, etc. And so I'd stammer and hem and haw about how, yeah, I guess it was silly of me, or, oh, I didn't realize I could have done it all in one day (but I did, so that's a very uncomfortable white lie, which feels like a betrayal of my authenticity), or, "just call me crazy, I guess!" (ha, ha). Whatever it takes to just get them off my back. But now I'm free. I don't have to justify, explain or, heck, even TALK about my plans, choices and needs with anybody else if I don't want to. Or if I do get confronted about my apparently wildly unorthodox behaviors (staying a night in a hotel, right up there with swallowing live frogs, I guess), I now feel this wonderfully new liberating freedom (yes, I know, tautology, but still...) to just say, "I know, but this is how I like to do this, it's better for me mentally." End of discussion. I'm debt-free, I owe nobody the least attempt at justification. There is nothing TO justify. I will do what I need, want, to do. And as for wasting money, I dare say that my few indulgences, like a night in hotel, fade in comparison to a slew of things that the people with the helpful advice spend all kinds of money on that I never would. And anyway, it's my money, and my time. I'm not keeping the King of England waiting, for Pete's sake, so lighten up. 😏

I often assume the worst when I don't understand someone's social cues. I like your fact-checking system to help reduce social anxiety.

me and my husband dated for 2 years before he told me thats what was happening. i didnt know they were dates so i kept inviting my friend to go to the movies with us 😭 hes very patient.

It surprised me when you said it was an invitation. I would not have read that as an invitation. I'd probably have found it quite annoying that someone keeps staring at me. I don't even read explicit invitations as invitations! 😂. At an extended family gathering my aunt said that there was an open invitation for me to go and house sit for them and meet their dogs. I thought that was an odd thing to suggest, didn't know how to respond so, as usual, it was awkward until it went away. I realised later that what my aunt meant was for me to contact them about it at an undisclosed point in the future. I don't think I'll ever understand how people as so comfortable with ambiguity and unanswered questions/uncertainty!

What... I still don't understand why people don't just talk to each other. Who takes conclusions out of several 0.5 seconds of semi eye contact... And why would they think that I understood that...

One social cue that I have a hard time understanding is that throughout much of my adult life, random strangers would often gawk at me as if I am an alien from outer space or a strange creature like Bigfoot. And I could never figure out why I was often being gawked at by strangers whenever I was out in public, since I've always felt that I looked and acted normal.

I got tired just thinking about this scenario.

The more I learn about neurotypical social cues, the more I'm convinced that learning brain surgery would be easier.

I'm not neurotypical, but I often use this type of behavior (brief eye contact paired with a smile) to demonstrate openness to interacting. Usually when I am trying to seem approachable at work or when I'm trying to flirt. It seems to work pretty well

As an NT, I can guarantee you we miscue off each other about 95% of the time. If your miscue rate is near that, you're a-ok.

As a human who has been watching interactions my whole life, I find this to be true for the good majority of interactions that look like the one described. Either they are open to talking to you and have some form of interest, or you have toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe and they are too shy to mention

It’s so much easier when you’re old. No one looks at me unless I look at them. Or, I remind them of their mother, sister, cousin and that’s why they are looking.

I would have just thought she was waiting to see if I was done with that exercise machine/equipment so she could use it after me

I like your advice here. I think it's helpful and freeing to take the view that there is no set script or 'right' response, even for NTs. Social interactions involve giving ppl the grace and space to connect or not, depending on what their comfort level is.