I'm Autistic and I'm a Big Fat Liar (+ BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!)

I relate to this so much. I was constantly making up excuses for why I couldn’t attend something because telling them “I’m so anxious that if I step one foot in your house I will burst into uncontrollable sobs” was too embarrassing. I also feel like I’m lying, even though everyone does it, when people ask me “How are you?” I HATE that question because it’s basically like asking “Tell me a lie about your life so I can feel like I did my duty in asking.” Because everyone knows you’re not supposed to REALLY answer that question. They don’t really want to know about the crappy things in your life (and with undiagnosed autism everything was always hard for me) but they still ask. It’s expected I will say, “I’m good! How are you?” But I’m not good and I don’t want to tell you I am. I feel like such a liar in those situations. I hate small talk. I prefer big talk 😂

I think “lying” ties in a bit with alexithymia for me too. Like if someone sees me staring into space and asks if something’s wrong or how I’m feeling, not having an answer can cause misunderstandings. So I’ll say something even if I don’t really know. Do I feel happy? Sad? I don’t know, flip a coin 😂

OMG, the part where you say that you were trying to think which of the excuses you had already used is SO relateable! 😂

Coming to terms with the way I am wired and accepting that as OK has made a huge difference for me. I don't need a label for it to defend myself. But discovering that there is a label has been helpful like not fighting the laws of gravity. Autistic brains and behaviors are like that, developing skills in self respect and honoring our differences is a kind way to be.

Congrats on the book! I was recently diagnosed as autistic at 35 years old, and my 8 year old daughter is also autistic. I am completely relearning who I really am because of years of masking, so your video is very refreshing. Thank you!

I generally text people, but if I have to make an actual "call"...I hand the cellphone to my husband or give him the information and he calls the person. He then goes into an explanation that I don't talk on the phone and he does all the talking for me if it is needed. I stopped being embarrassed about it after about the 3 meltdown with "waterworks"...THAT embarrassed me a lot more than having my husband talk for me. I wanted to say tho, I love your videos. Thank you for posting them for everyone to see. They have helped me a lot. Thanks again.

This is very recognizable. To lie is to protect yourself. I feel very guilty about it. For not being easy going, not being more sociable, for not being there when needed, for not saying the right stuff, for letting loved ones down. Even in my dreams I feel overwhelmed. A year and a half ago I learned that I’m on the Autism Spectrum, but I have a bad time dealing with it. I spend more than fifty years trying to be, what I call, “normal”. Now I have the facts, limitations and reasons to excuse myself from what I think people are expecting of me. But I can’t …

I will DEFINITELY be purchasing your book ~ congratulations!!

I’m 46 and only just recently discovered that I may be autistic. I don’t have a diagnosis and likely won’t get one. I find it difficult to share my explanation of having autism with most people simply because I don’t have a diagnosis. I feel like people will think I’m making things up. I’ve only shared this with a few family members and a friend. My parents don’t seem to believe me. It doesn’t surprise me but it lets me know that I can’t talk to them about it. So I have to be careful how I word things with them. So basically I have to continue to lie to them because they don’t want to hear the truth. This whole thing makes my anxiety even worse.

I always want to know why people act a certain way, so that I can understand them (and myself) better…and it helps in understanding people and making decisions in future situations. Thanks for this video and congrats on your book!

I also feel the same. It’s especially bad with very social stuff like birthdays. One birthday in particular someone gave me a gift, realized it was the wrong one, & took it back. Having to pretend I didn’t actually care (at 8) and was not both furious & hurt I didn’t deserve the present they gave me at first, was a mess. I learned to pretend I don’t care about gifts. Now I’m pretty blunt. Got asked yesterday when we were celebrating my birthday if it was “the best birthday ever?” And just responded, “nope, it’s not even close, & today isn’t my actual birthday. You guys did great, I’m just not feeling it.” I feel like that’s a big step to actually be honest. Or like: “I hate this dress you got me, I have huge sensory issues with polyester. If you want to know what I like, I’ll just send you a list of what fits my specifications, & then surprise me with which one you pick.” Being open about being autistic with my boss and closest coworkers really lets me tell them “yeah no, I’m burnt out and will have to quit if you need me to work that much overtime. It’s not a possibility.” In the past, lying about my discomfort got me into really bad situations too, including abusive ones bc I thought I was just being irrational having a gut feeling something was wrong. It’s led to a lot of people pushing past my boundaries & me pretending that’s fine bc I don’t feel confident enough to put my foot down. Being pregnant I’ve been really trying to consider how I can be more honest (bc I’d like my kid to know they can be.) I think it’s helping that being pregnant ppl expect you’ll have some trouble so if you’re asked: “how you feeling?” “Completely exhausted” is an acceptable answer. And I don’t think it’s the little kid making me tired, it’s the almost meltdown I’m having.

You know people called me in many variegated ways but liar is not one of them, on the contrary the tell me i'm too 'direct' even on unnecessary topics; the fact is i find natural being sincere furthmore in this way i recognize the TRUE friends from the others( essentially everyone i don't want to invest energy, time and money). Do you think that Is mainly the 'sincerity trait' that makes autistic look like they are 'rude' even if it's not intentional(and force use to use a 'mask') or there are others traits that contribute to the collective stereotype? Ps Your smile is always a blessing

I will be reading your book! thanks ! I'm 59 years old and learning so much from you. you are my hero. I have sooo many traits that you talk about. I always knew that I was different. thank you so much! 💓 BTW when I was young I lied all the time. I was so shamed by it. now this makes perfect sense! since I've been an adult I absolutely hate lieing . I can't tolerate it. it's been the reason I have given up friends, cuz when they lied to me...I couldn't take it and would end the friendship.

Hey Olivia I want to thank you. I've been using your videos as part of my autism research and you have helped me discover that I am most likely on the spectrum. And I wanted to thank you making me feel good about that. Also 🎉 congratulations 🎉 on your book.

My daughter use to make excuses not to go places or meet up with friends. She’d lie why she couldn’t go to parties ect.

Thank you for this video, it's my story. I'm a 55 years old female, diagnosed with autism 5 months ago.

Recognise this behaviour in myself so much! Wish it was not so, but it is what it is. Have always thought this was but a part of my masking too, but was so ashamed of it. Thank you for saying all this, recognised myself in your words, which both challenged me and comforted at the same time. Really helped me deal with my recent dx in so many ways - including imposter syndrome. Will definitely check on your book. Good luck with it! I am sure that it will help as much as your posts/videos have done for me.

Congratulations on the book! With regards to the necklace - aren't puzzle pieces associated with Autism Speaks? Apologies if that's incorrect, but perhaps not a positive symbol if they are. I think we often have to resort to 'lying' when we either don't understand stuff ourselves or know that people won't understand or accept the true explanation. I'm the queen of saying I'm sick when I'm really just too nervous to go to stuff.

Oooh, yes. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 58(two years ago). I related so much to everything you said. Thank you so much for the honesty in this, and all your great videos. Getting diagnosed has been a huge relief. I have masked and lied so long, it is automatic. But I’m slowly learning to unmask and be myself, and to finally be honest about things. I can now give “explanations” instead of making things up. It isn’t always easy. But it is so much better. Thank you for your transparency and for being a voice for women on the spectrum!

These videos are so validating. Lying has been a way of life for me too, avoiding people and events that I just cant bring myself to attend because of anxiety and sensory issues. IT IS exhausting! And I got the same questions from my partner and friends, "well what does it matter if you are autistic or not?" It makes a huge difference for me because it will mean that I finally have an explanation for why I do these things. And that's life changing.