How to Bypass An Avoidant Attachment Style's Defenses To Connect More Deeply!

Dating an avoidant is the best way to see your own patterns. If there is true love this is magic and very painful but so worth it. It will trigger all your insecurities so you can heal yourself ❤

As a DA, thank you to all of the others in our lives who are working to meet us as we grow. It's not something you have to do but something we appreciate. Thank you.

If you date a DA as an Anxiously attached person, having to follow all these rules is gonna make you feel less heard and at some point the pain will be so big you can’t keep it inside anymore

Learning from Thais this is What I said to him that contributed to him committing after a year of situationshipness. “Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow or even next week, but I need certain non negotiable needs met and need to see the needle move or we may have to start taking an honest look at incompatibility” I just wanted him to spend more time with me. He ended up saying he loves me and we became official. Wow!!! It worked!

I could not say anything less than positive with my FA without him projecting his own internalizing of what I'm saying meaning he's a "bad partner" onto me. It was like he didn't understand anything I said because his defenses were so strong. And i always used "i feel" "I think" language and talk about behavior not character but he still projected onto me. He will have a hard time finding someone like me who is secure AND tried to communicate with him nicely and healthily with him, or someone who did as much work as I did!!

Enough already! We understand them better than they understand themselves and we have tried everything!

All good info, but when they totally clam up not much a person can do.

If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak

The issue I take with these videos is the framing that the DA is an innocent victim of their attachment style. Mine is largely arrogant that his avoidance is superior and that I am flawed because I don’t handle things the way he would. In the meantime, he deflects all negativity in the relationship onto me. If we’re busy, he tells people we can’t do something because I said so, instead of just saying that we’re busy. Then people think I’m the bad guy and he tells me I should handle it better like he does.

Its often when they know they're not doing enough, they will be hyper sensitive to anything you say.

The only thing I don't like about these videos is that they're always structured around how we should cater to an avoidant. If the person doesn't know they're an avoidant, or don't want to acknowledge that they are, then all we're doing is enabling them to continue their toxic behavior. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around their tendency to dismiss relationships. They need to work on healing their core wounds and then we can approach the relationship from a secure standpoint.

Seems like a lot of work and is eerily similar to the constant validation the APs need in a relationship. I've always just addressed things in a loving way and guaged the response I received. I'd either leave it stay depending on the response.

I find I do well communicating until he says “I’m not doing this right now” and something inside me gets triggered and I fall into unhealthy communication. I’ve learned this so try to stop myself but I’m feeling crazy the entire time. I think it triggers abandonment and makes me fear that he’s trying to train me to keep my mouth shut as the narcissists I was with before would do.

Please keep making these educational videos; we live in a society that is totally dysfunctional & nobody knows how to act because parents don't know how to raise children. Shalom

I am very thankful to you, Thais, for this channel and its insights. It is helping me finally understand what happened with a couple of very good friends who, unfortunately, are DAs who don't want to work on themselves and just discard people. Understanding them is finally helping me heal, get closure, forgive and move forward. I am relieved to learn that it was about them, not me, and understanding their psychological struggles and pain allows me to replace anger with compassion, which facilitates forgiveness. Because they are not evil narcissists as I had considered, which was very hard to forgive. I feel deeply for the people who are in relationships with DAs. This video is necessary for them. As for me, my personal choice is to not go down this rabbit hole again. I want securely attached relationships. Maybe I could even cope with an anxious partner. But an unhealed DA who doesn't want to get better? Thanks, but no, thanks.

I realize that avoidant people usually have very high awareness about "power dynamics", the kind of language subcomunication best seen in presidential debates, and that's why the are very sensitive to microagressions, they learned early to understand those as threats to their social status.

Priceless insights but I'm having the hardest time HEARING what you have to say... sound quality is totally hashed!!!

I needed this six months ago

I dont want to feel like a fool. I do want to be better at dealing with DA. i think it helps me to grow also but when and where do i draw the line. This journey is a lot of work. I guess i wish someone took the time and did the work for me but the truth is it is up to the individual.

In the background of all of this the disclaimer here is that the avoidants attachment style is NOT conducive for a healthy relationship. So dont go into this expecting that the avoidant will change. Likely, they may not change at all and you have to be okay with that if you choose to continue to have a relationship with that person. It's not personal, they just aren't in the space to heal and until they do the inner-work they will continue to struggle to have healthy interdependent relationships. The choice to stand beside them until that happens is yours.