3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages (Is Your Partner Autistic? ADHD? Neurotypical?!?)

Published 2021-12-16
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Are you in a neurodivergent relationship? If you and/or your partner, have autism, adhd, or other neurodivergence, you're likely experiencing some of the common struggles that most neurodivergent couples face. The good news is that you're not alone and there are ways to make the situation easier to manage!

In this video, I share 3 tips for neurodivergent marriages to help improve communication and manage conflict in the fact of common challenges we almost all face from time to time.

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TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:28 - 3 Tips for Neurodivergent Marriages
01:31 - 1st tip
07:16 - 2nd tip
13:35 - 3rd tip
16:45 - Summary of the tips

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Email: [email protected]
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!

My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: youtube.com/c/aspergersfromtheinside/playlists

Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.

As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.

I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.

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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG

You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.

The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).

In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)

Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests

Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)

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// ABOUT ME

I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thirty.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.

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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING

I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au/

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// CONTACT

Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: [email protected]

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!

Peace,

~Paul

All Comments (21)
  • @puttervids472
    This reminds me of a certain shame I can recall vividly.

    I married my wife 21 years ago now. Dated her 5 years before that. I’m 42. So you can see that I found my match early and recognized that she worked to hear me and understand me. Well.
    In those dating years she was in college. On the side she baked these character cakes. Those life like things that people make for kids birthday parties etc. even did the fondant icing ones. She was very popular, and truly could have opened a bakery , but that’s now what she wanted. Anyway. One year at Christmas. I thought long and hard about her and what she liked. I wanted to do something special. This was pre internet shopping mind you. So I went to this rare book store. And talked with the owner. Described what I wanted. And a week later he calls with a French pastry book from the 1920s. It’s roughly 18 inches square , and about 3 inches thick. And is beautifully illustrated . I took French in school. And could read the recipes. I’m not fluent. But a recipe isn’t very complicated language whne the measurements are numeric and easy to get. Plus the illustrations are great. It was in well used shape. But was leather bound and just showed that character that was amazing to me. I paid $250 for it in 1990s money. I took it and had it professionally wrapped. Very nice. And was to be given at her parents house in front of the family.

    That day came. She opened it. And immediately out of nowhere , her aunt says “ he got you a cookbook , girl. You better think about this , what’s next year a vacuum cleaner ? “. I literally almost choked on my own tongue. I couldn’t breathe. How could I be so stupid. I spoke up and tried to defend myself. But it ended in the whole room erupting in laughter. Except my wife. She was in tears. And at the time. I didn’t know that it was happy tears. I thought she was crying because I had made such an ass of myself. Later that night , she finally got to tell me that it was the most thoughtful thing she’d ever received. And to this day she keeps it out in a place of honor , and we’ve used it many times to make special treats.

    If she weren’t who she is , that could have easily turned into my demise socially as I would have turned completely inward and never trusted again. I recognized who she really was that day. I proposed the following year , and that same aunt said “ well. What took you so long , we all thought you’d never get around to it. We’ve all known for years now that you too would marry. You’re joined at the hip as it is “. We were. And still are. But it’s because she’s so understanding with me. Because I still do off base things because I just don’t get it sometimes until it’s too late. She’s always there to catch me.
  • @paigelarson9279
    My most beneficial phrase I’ve ever used with my partner and son who are both on the spectrum is:
    “I’m not angry at you as a person, I’m just frustrated at the situation”
    It still allows me to feel validated in my frustration instead of having to hide it which only makes me feel resentful and unimportant, but it also makes them not shut down or overcompensate in a panic because they understand that they aren’t being rejected.
  • @Acceleronics
    After 20 years of me saying to my wife, "I know this conversation is going to go sour, but I never know why", I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Now I understand that the sour turn in some of our conversations is coming from differences in our communication habits. Videos like yours are helping me learn the mechanism.
  • @amytrottier8836
    My neurotypical problem is that my husband rarely thinks a problem exists. If I am determined to discuss the issue at hand, my partner becomes resentful, sensitive, and decides that I am purposefully attacking him, as usual. As a result, he usually refuses to take partial ownership of the situation, and throws it back in my court. In other words, he may acknowledge that I have a problem, but it’s my issue, never his. See, if I hadn’t brought up the non-existent issue, there would have been no problem in the first place. It’s a circle of gaslighting that inevitably amounts to my bashing my neurotypical head against a brick wall. I feel as though it’s not worth the inevitable conflict. At this point, I just ignore his behavior, and get on with my life, by myself. Since he only plans getaways around his two passions, golf and football,(which I do not share), I have decided to plan my own, solitary, vacations in 2024. If he has a problem with it, then maybe he will take ownership of said problem. Honestly, after 25 years of his behavior, with no resolution, I could not care less.
  • My husband and I are both Autistic/ADHD - while he prefers to dig and dig at a problem immediately while emotions are still high, I prefer to let things process for a few days and let the emotion simmer down. The compromise we came up with is that we have a specific channel on a private Discord server. We can both send messages in there, we spoiler it and mute the channel so that one person can make a note of what's bothering them and start some reflective work, when they're ready, and within a week we both agree to a time where we can come together with no other distractions, during a protected time, and take turns discussing our perspectives. If we need to pause, we make a brief summary of what was discussed and we can take a few hours or days to process and come back to it. That way, there's visible progress towards a resolution, but everyone's got the space they need to feel their feelings and hear what the other person's trying to say.
  • @craigcarter400
    Being on spectrum and my wife being NT, there is so much conflict
  • My Aspie partner and I didn't consciously set up a "code word", but after 5 years together I have come to realize what "I need a nap" really means. It means: "I know you've been here alone all day and I just got home from work and you want time with me. But I desperately need to be alone for an hour or so. Then, you zany neurotypical extrovert, I can give you the loving attention you need and deserve." Works like a charm for both of us. I feel "heard" and he doesn't have to give that whole speech !
  • @dismedraws
    I am autistic and my partner is ADHD - we've been together for a decade and understand each other really well. One of my favorite code terms that I use is saying "I'm feeling dizzy" when I'm feeling on the brink of a meltdown while we are at a social engagement so that he knows we need to leave very soon, it's incredibly helpful!
  • My biggest difficulty with leaving things and getting back to them later is trusting that we will actually get back to them.
  • @beckyf2845
    I'm neuro diverse and my husband is neuro typical. With consideration, respect and patience it can work.
  • @Immortelle_G
    My husband has ADHD. I'm realizing that half my frustration with him is usually rooted in self hatred because I do the exact same things that bother me so much. I was in denial for a long time but therapy is helping me untangle cptsd from childhood
  • @paigelarson9279
    I’ve got adhd and my partner has autism, we’ve been together for 10 years with 2 kids, moved in together after 6 months when I was 18 and he was 21.
    The book “what men with Asperger syndrome want to know about women, dating and relationships” by maxine aston has been really beneficial for Dan.
  • @Dargyful
    My husband has never got involved in any problem any issue . I raised my kids like a single mum and he was the provider . He’s affectionate enough when it’s one on one but has been very frustrating over the years with his lack of involvement with the kids and social skills . I knew something was wrong but only recently figured he’s no doubt on the spectrum . At least I get it now but it still doesn’t always make it easier . He’s a good man and a hard worker and I feel guilty when I criticise something he just doesn’t get .
  • @TomoyoTatar
    It literally takes me like 2-3 hours to calm down over things, and a lot of things upset me. I get a lot of resentment. I'm having issues with my partner being emotionally there for me. I don't know what to do about it. They work a lot, it frustrates me because I know they need to work, but I also want my partner to spend time with me and acknowledge my feelings. It's REALLY HARD! Especially since he works from home and is always around, but always is working; ALL THE TIME. I don't think he has the ability to emotionally connect with me, because he also resents me due to this issue of resentment in him too now, because of arguments.
  • @linden5165
    Putting up with things as a default setting is very, very relatable.
  • @hannahpaul1988
    I'm Aspie, Hubby is Autie and our boy is ADHD. Not gonna lie, it can be tough. The key is playing to our strengths - divide up chores/responsibilities as to who's better able to do them. Tag-team parenting and code words have been vital for us too.
  • @lunarae8037
    This is incredible, first of all seeing how many folks on her are autism/adhd partnered like myself and partner! I have adhd and I need to be able to express my frustration…and here we are 11 great years together but I need some support to know how our different communications can work better. Thanks for this channel and your videos. It’s good to have a place where people have things in common!
  • @drmatarkin2100
    I have ASD and I have to solve problems straight away. My wife is NT and needs time to process things, but it is hell for me because I don’t know what she's thinking, or what she wants to do, or anything, and it drives me nuts. I can’t think of anything else until things are solved.
  • @salemthorup9536
    I'm both. I either jump hard on the problem in pursuit of an immediate solution or I think I'm OK when something bothers me and then I ignore it for way too long.
  • @aaananke
    me and my boyfriend are both neurodivergent (he has aspergers and i have ocd) AND YEA-
    we always help each other and we're the most supportive as possible, i really really love our relationship bro-