Adult with Autism | Things I Changed Post Autism Diagnosis part 1 | 75

One aspect of solitude I've had to come to terms with - feeling guilt over the fact that I simply don't enjoy spending extended time with family members, even the safe ones. (By safe, I mean people I can be myself around, up to a point.) I love them, but I need to love them from a distance. The peace and privacy of an empty house is such a relief. I know that sounds terrible to those who insist that people require the company of other people for health and happiness, but no - the truth is, many of us are healthier and happier without it.

Being female and in my early 50’s having just figured out that I am autistic has been both a relief in many ways and a genuine surprise. I appreciated hearing that you defend yourself when someone calls you “weird” because although I mask much too well for anyone to have ever called me weird, I certainly have been attacked in other ways especially in the family system. For being “too intense” or caring too much about something or someone and when this has happened, I haven’t felt like I had the right to defend myself. Their words have been hurtful and unfair and I have been labeled as “too sensitive” for my entire life. Well, I now know I’m experiencing things differently than they are and I will defend myself for my own valid, genuine experiences. Because when you said, “I will kill the mood of a room to defend myself” I realized that I was constantly sacrificing my own mood and feelings to everyone else’s. They could kill my expression by shutting me up instantly with the accusation that I “cared too much”. Wow, what a sin I’ve been committing! Well, maybe they should care a little more. Because my mood and feelings are certainly just as important as theirs. And I’m no longer willing to accept the label of “too sensitive”.

When I was a kid I changed my personality entirely to try and fit into the norms of junior high school- unfortunately for me that high level of masking kind of overtook my ability to just be normal or how I actually am or when I do try and be myself I now feel guilty because the character I made that people liked is who people really want to see and even if I am in my home I know neighbors and others are looking for that character rather than who I am. When I have indulged myself off and on over the years the lack of social norms in my regular self I always come away feeling guilty because at the end of the day me being myself prevents me from progressing in the normal world. Not necessarily because of the opinion of others (though that is a factor as much as I have tried to get rid of that) but rather I know that I need a certain level of income and progress in order to live a good life in general. If I were to be myself I would live in abject poverty- I think a lot of people are homeless because of their unorthodox thinking so no matter what I have to do some level of masking if I don't want that. (there is much less support in America especially for adults than over the pond and the support that exists is not enough for anyone to be helped by it + there is the moral quandary of such.)

I agree, I like being alone, I don't have a problem with it. Going out ANYWHERE is a LOT of EXTRA for me personally. Your content, for me, is the best I have come across on the Internet. Thank you Paul for sharing your experience in such a clear and relatable way. It is very reassuring to hear it is okay to acknowledge and adjust myself to not being guilty for not being able to make my entire life 100% for others and disregarding how it'll affect ME, possibly being triggered and maybe even a meltdown or burnout.

Interesting, in that there were indeed things that it was beneficial and possible to change in your life, off the back of your diagnosis.  I have just read a PhD thesis about high functioning autism in the over-50s. People who had autism but were undiagnosed for most of their lives have coped in very different ways. Only a few remained single like you and me. Most, it seems, got married and had children, and the scope for significant change in the light of their belated diagnoses was almost nothing. It just provided understanding of why they had always had friction with spouses and other immediate family members, and why they had always been considered difficult and weird, even by their own reckoning.  There was no need or scope for me to change anything about my life post diagnosis because I had always been wilful in the extreme about doing my own thing and insulating myself from the herd, quite irrespective of understanding why my preferences were so unusual relative to the norm.

I am still waiting for diagnosis but because of you I already know the outcome. I am so similar to you. Your reasons are my reasons. I spent decades wondering why everybody else was different, and now I know, it's easier. Thankyou.

I relate to your videos so much. Diagnosed at 54, last year. Burnout but releuved to fully understand what I'm working with. 🎉❤😊your delivery is calm and easy to understand, spot on!

I can relate to having your hobbies being viewed as childish. I'm a gamer too and I've loved Pokémon since I was a kid. Currently playing Pokémon Violoet for the Switch i got for my birthday tomorrow. I love the Bioshock series and sunk a TON of hours into Skyrim. I've also loved Batman since I was a kid and read comic books. I used to be embarrassed about the things I liked. Now my special interests are kinda trendy so that's annoying too lol. Great video Paul, thanks for sharing your experiences!

Another great video Paul. Thank you for sharing your valuable experiences. I often find myself wondering how on Earth you can verbalize exactly what I am thinking… it’s totally uncanny and even shocking. So much of what you reveal is identical to my own thought process or reality, and I understand you so sincerely. You have a distinct and eloquent way of describing your life, and I appreciate the time it takes you to record these moments for everyone to enjoy. Glad to see you recording again!

Just found your channel, Paul, and have subscribed. Am now going to binge-listen; this video was so relatable, especially what you said about friends and your idea of friendship. I was diagnosed at 56 this summer, it's been huge relief and I am in the process of re-evaluating everything and cutting out the crap. On to part 2...

I had a chuckle at the dream part, that's my experience all over. Especially if I do a two day fast; the dreams on the second night are absolutely nuts and so visceral.

I was riveted by every word you said. I’m in Australia and I’ve just been diagnosed. I was feeling lost. I’ve listened to dozens and dozens of videos on autism and none has impacted me like yours has. It’s like I have a “self respect map” that gives me guidelines on how to proceed. Thank you so much. Judy 🙏🌻

Congratulations on 30K downloads! 🎉You are reaching lots of people! Thank you for advocating for us! ❤

I like your summation: "I gained by losing". I have felt that many times when I've looked back & realized the trouble I have saved myself when I didn't continue a 'friendship' because it wasn't actually benefitting me in any way, only the other person. I also really get your acceptance of a life of solitude. Me too - the peace & quiet of mind!

So, at 41 I am just now realizing that I am on the autistic spectrum... after yrs of misdiagnosis. I can relate to having many lives in one trying to find where I can fit and survive, like I have not met anyone else that has said that before... and i always got weird looks saying that. Thank you for making these videos... they are helping me know what to do to get out of and prevent autistic burnout and be able to accept my need for solitude and hobbies... like before i just though of them as quirks and wasted my energy on the mask... thinking i had depression and needed to socialize and fit in more... which results in never having a charged battery. Anyways thanks again... going on a hyperfixation dive on more of your videos while sculpting in studio today😊❤

Great video Paul. My office is filled with toys, I have 6 Rubik’s cubes that I solve daily, and have been playing Nintendo since it was invented. I am obsessed with elephants. I didn’t have many friends as a kid but I have a few amazing life long friends now. I do like my alone time but I do go out with friends sometimes. I have also had to let go of friends for similar reasons. I have also said that I embrace wired but if I am treated badly because of it I will defend. Lastly, the shoes are awesome! Great collection. Looking forward to part two!

Diagnosed ASD at 44 this month(and adhd). This is wild but, I see it as an opportunity. Good vid. This is the 2nd of yours I watched. Subbed.

Yeah chaos is a no no and that's all that most people bring

"I've got something on that night..." 😂 Oh, man...my favoritest shoes ever were dark green Gazelles with white stripes and laces. I wore them till they fell apart. (There are a few things I miss in this life...a 12 string El Degas I pawned to pay rent, a lot of dead cats and a few dead friends, most non-meat foods, and those shoes. 😭) One of the greatest gifts you give us is that you show us that it's ok (imperative, really) to take care of ourselves and our needs. I alway went along to get along, doing what was expected out of fear, obligation and guilt, and it was killing me trying to be "normal" all my life. I personally don't mind the word weird. The Chili Peppers' Nobody Weird Like Me used to be my theme song. 😜 I bet a lot of older folks, who have bumbled through life not knowing what they were struggling with all along, would really resonate with what you share. I'd be surprised if the big number didn't keep growing. Congrats! 😸🧡

I watched this a year ago and liked it. Now, re-watching after sitting with my late diagnosis during this time, your point about embracing our own interests without shame or apology is really helpful. I've also been more honest with myself and others about enjoying my own company in my own space 😊