The Dragon Paradox

"He might be autistic but darn it my boy can work a grill' -Senshi

What I expected: video about dragons What I got: tears and the feeling of being understood

How strange it is to find a group of people who all feel isolated in such a connected way, glad I'm not alone

Reminds me of a rant an archaeologist did. "If ancient civilisation wasn't built by aliens, how come everyone built pyramids?" "Well, it's really easy to stack rocks at a 45 degree angle."

>Drops the most personal and relatable video ever >elaborates >leaves

I can't trust people who don't think dragons are the sickest thing ever

"It's curious to be born different. You can feel the shape of this person you were expected to be, and you keep finding yourself wondering why you aren't that person." That bar destroyed me, man. That is exactly what I've been feeling since I was 8 or 9. This whole video was therapeutic to listen to. Thank you for making it.

writing this through tears. as a kid i also had this obsession. i had a friend who i would watch httyd and play skylanders with. she had a BUNCH of dragon figurines that we would go into her backyard to play with and make deep lore about. we made them fly and fight and hide in her moms plants. she had a copy of dragonology that we read together. i read the “Wings of Fire” books and would talk about them with my friend. i loved the classification of the different types of dragons. i often found myself sad- nearly in tears- over the fact that dragons weren’t real and that i couldn’t ride one. i wanted to fly in the clouds and being in the forest like hiccup did. i wanted to go into a mountain and find a dragon sleeping on a pile of gold like bilbo. i would draw dragons like you did. i looked up tutorials online so i could get their anatomy right. every time i saw a dragon in a piece of media i was so excited. but when i went home and talked about it, my brothers made fun of me for it. and i felt that shame that teenage-you felt. so i stopped sharing it. and then that friend moved away. i didn’t go over to peoples houses to play ‘dragons’ or monster high anymore. i still had that fascination. but i was ashamed. luckily, my oldest brother shared the love of fantasy. as i got older, we grew closer. and i could “nerd out” with him. after all, he’s the one who read the hobbit to me as a bedtime story. how to train your dragon still fills me with glee, as it does for many other people. i still have the Wings of Fire books on my shelves. i now play D&D. i wish i never felt shame over my interests. i wish that childhood obsession and wonder stayed forever. but it has evolved into a different passion that i will gladly “nerd out” over today. and i’m glad you do too :) i’m also glad to see so many people in the comments who connected to this. maybe in another universe we were all friends as kids and played “dragons” in each other’s backyards.

I really identified with the childhood feelings of "if I could just explain my niche nerdy interests clearly enough, maybe they won't think I'm weird" which then backfires and makes you regret talking about anything you're interested in. I remember seeing these shows, reading these books, and having these feelings. It's really nice to see so many others have the same experience. I'm glad we all found like minds in the end.

“Perhaps it’s only natural for those who struggle or have struggled with human interaction to seek knowledge of the monstrous” is a very profound note to have made.

As someone who can't stay on one topic for long and has to jump from interest to interest to keep occupied, I've always been fascinated with people who have this very deep and passionate attraction to certain topics and the way they speak of them. I really enjoyed your video, I hope to see more like it.

I clicked on this video to hear about dragons, not cry over being understood in my fixation! This video felt like looking in a mirror. Thank you for this, sincerely. I'm glad you god another Dragonology book. I have my copy sitting next to me.

you throwing away anything "childish" was so heart breaking. especially since it made you so happy. i hate that society breaks children like that

That line at 17:49 actually made me tear up. "Its a curios thing to be born different. You can feel the shape of this person you were expected to be, and you find yourself wondering why you arent that person". Possibly the most poetic and relatable line of dialogue I've ever heard through a YouTube video.

I know you didn't say the word "autism" in this video, either because you specifically don't identify with it, or because you choose to avoid labels entirely (either of which I fully respect), but to me, this is one of the most insightful and powerful explorations of the internal autistic experience and identity that I've ever seen. It mirrors my childhood and resonates with me on an existential level -- being ostracized for your obsessive interests to the point of shame, knowing there's a shape you're not fitting into, but unable to understand how or why or communicate it to anyone, finding communion with the inhuman/monstrous as an expression of your isolated and different experience of the world, seeking rigid categorization for yourself and the world around you, yet finding everything to be fundamentally uncategorizable. This is what autism feels like from the inside. It's something I have spent a lifetime trying to identify, something I struggle to make neurotypical people understand or relate to, and something I've rarely seen described in words so beautiful and succinct as you've done in this video. I don't know if you necessarily had that in mind while writing this, but with all the very specific points you made, and releasing this video near the beginning of autism acceptance month, I can't help but make the association. Patricia Taxxon has a video with many of the same themes, specifically about how the furry community intersects with autism and philosophy. It's called "on the ethics of boinking animal people" (funny title) and I highly highly recommend it. Fair warning though, it has some very explicit sexual themes as well, as you might guess from the title. Ah, and if anyone related to this video and hasn't considered it yet... Do yourself a huge favor and go get an autism evaluation, or at least look into it. Rejecting labels is a valid choice, but having a label can also be life-changing. It certainly was for me. Thank you so much for this video, Curious Archive. I loved it.

I had begun seeking an ADHD diagnosis after pretty much getting violently bullied in middle school for my obsession with Star Wars--I did the same thing, classifying everything, trying to blend together books and cartoons and movies into a cohesive narrative for my non-interested peers. I hated the passive aggressive bullying, but I couldn't help myself. I think I found that it was worse to hide it and conform than to just let myself be an outcast and be weird. I eventually found people who had the same struggles I did, and I only found them cause I stopped hiding that part of myself away. Great video essay. Got me a bit teary eyed.

"Perhaps it's only natural for those who struggle or have struggled with human interaction to seek knowledge of the monstrous" is a line that goes very hard and I guess hits a bit close home. Very insightful essay, thank you.

16:10 "Fear of being immature [...] made me throw my books away, and get rid of my drawings" That made me so freaking sad. It's like throwing away a part of yourself. Sure, eventually you grow up, but that doesn't mean you have to erase the joy you felt as a child. No matter what people say, how cringe it is, it's going to be a part of you til the end. A few month ago, I redrew some drawing I did as a teenager. I couldn't even begin to explain the joy I felt. As if I were going back in time, and my younger self was sharing her interests with my older self. And this time, the adult actually cared about what I had to say.

I love the fact that I found this video while I was working on a comic project. When I was in elementary school, I was popular as a young artist, because I always drew dragons. They captured my imagination just like dinosaurs and witches and superhuman swordsmen did. I even drew my very first comic as an inspiration from Dragon Ball Z - involving a literal dragon-Saiyan hybrid fighting a monstrous snake demon. 15 years later I'm sitting here, watching this video, drawing a comic adaptation of my first published book, involving a massive fight between a swordsman, a witch, and a dude who fights using, you guessed it, dragons. And as I watched, I couldn't help but feel like that 9 year old whose imagination ran so wild it got him bullied, ostracized, and feeling like an alien, is still here with me, guiding me on my life dream. Thank you for this video, man. I really appreciate what it has done for me.

I just want to let you know that I will be sharing this video because there are so many people like me who will relate to the commentary on some level, mostly parents of autistic children with special interests that they just can't understand. The way you speak about it explains the 'obsession' in a way that clarifies its control without making it frightening. I came to this video from an interest in dragon mythology but the insight I gained was so much greater and the impact it will have long term is unfathomable. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for making yourself vulnerable. Thank you for helping so many with a video about dragons. Thank you a million times over and then a million more.