How to quickly stop people from controlling and manipulating you
21,284
Published 2019-07-13
If you have ever felt as if you were doing things to please other people, or to make them happy or to improve you career you likely were doing it to get positive responses (or positive strokes). We all want positive interactions with people but we learn early on that most of the positive responses we get from people are based on what we DO, not on who we ARE.
This makes us susceptible to being controlled and manipulated. A well-known example are "people pleasers." I order to avoid conflict or to gain positive interactions we do what we think will make the other person happy rather than what we want to to. Usually, we get this from our parents when we are young. Our parents love us for who we are, not for what we do. But, as we get older even our parents can be controlling and withhold positive strokes unless we do the things they want.
Step 1 - Give yourself unconditional positive strokes. Genuinely compliment yourself for who you are as a person, for your innate and inherent characteristics such as honesty, loyalty, integrity, etc. Do this everyday, several times a day.
Step 2 - give others genuine unconditional positive strokes for who they are. Not for what they have accomplished or what they look like or how much money they have, but for being a "good" person, friend or co-worker.
Step 3 - ask for positive responses from others. This can be risky and feel awkward, but it is important to be valued for who you are and to ask for this from people who you genuinely feel respect for.
All Comments (21)
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The most difficult thing is to deal with immature toxic parents who give us no right to live peacefully
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And I hope this video gets even more views. It would be great if people could reflect on the ideas presented here to make positive changes in countless workplaces, interactions and relationships. As someone who fruitlessly chased after positive strokes through qualifications, accomplishments and external tokens I believe your advice is golden. Thank you.
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Parents partners & caregivers are often the ones who judge...both positive & negative judgements can severely harm a person's regard for themselves. The alternatives to judging are written about in "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott. Thank you for making this video, Sir.
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You can't "stop people from controlling you." You can act the way you want. Their attitude is the their problem.
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I live in a community where people raise their children like dogs… rewards for good behavior and the opposite for bad behavior. They then grow up and EXPECT rewards. And if they DON’T GET THE REWARDS they are REVENGEFUL. Kind of sick actually.
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The most difficult part is lack of understanding and acknowledgement of infliction from 16 till 41 thank those responsible
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I do ask for it. And they tell me I. Fishing for compliments and withhold them. I asked my ex who was critical and called me out often for these. He wouldn't give me then and assumed I got enough. Yet he wanted positive ego strokes. It's selfish to be that way. He even gave them to others and not me. Glad he's not my bf anymore bc I deserve better.
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This was extremely insightful and carefully explained. The differentiation between feedback types and strokes was an angle I had not considered previously. And your explanation style is clear as well as friendly. Thank you very much for your video post. 😊
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Stop bathing. You'll have yourself to yourself
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people have a very nasty way of deflecting and distorting what is actually happening to what they think should happen,when you switch to what and how should happen thats when control comes and when you let that control control you thats when chaos comes,unfortunately for everyone the person or entity is messing with,all these mental health and sort of issues has nothing to do with depression or any lack of anything in anyone's life,its more likely you dont want to see what went wrong and how you were a part of it,so thats an extremely well developed trick to divert everything to mental health issues
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There's a noise in the background man like a sea shore or some air conditioning....sorry....I can't stick it!!
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Like my boss said, if you don't do the work of multiple people and do it happily then you'll have a lot of hungry mouths at home...... .. Some jobs are very unfair. Overworked and can't time off even have to work through having covid. Not being controlled or manipulatied isn't an option if want to keep job 🤷
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It's different when it's two retired police officers stalking and harassing you. Kinda difficult to get away from that.
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You cant call interaction strokes because interaction is interaction and stroke is stroke 😮💨
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Isn't who we are what we do?
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I haven't had one positive stroke in over three yrs. Its been so embarrassingly tough. Just one good compliment would do wonders for me. I'm 43, can't seem to even get any clientele built up on my tarot channel. It's so disheartening and I've never felt like such a failure in life
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Dude relationship wise in 45 years I've yet to meet anything that isn't transactional with a women they do not accept a man unconditionally that's why alot of men are staying single it's the only way to steer the ship without worrying about a hostal takeover of being undermined. To be valued by a women transactionally, you must provide what they want in every way or you cease to be of any value unconditional does not factor in to there equation
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its a shame actually when you try to control someone in the name of helping them and then keep spreading rumours that they are who they are because of you,its a shame plus idiocy nothing else
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It’s easy. You just focus on you.
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Religion has been doing it for millennia. Believe or else...
