The Powerful New Ideas Linking Autism, Trauma, and Consent

I miss the six foot distance of COVID times. I’ve never felt more comfortable around other people.

The confusing societal rules over touch and consent are sadly why autistic people are at higher risk of sexual abuse. Remembering how my autistic brain struggled to understand the difference between being told I must give Grandma “a kiss goodbye” and coercion from other adults who clearly spotted me as an “easy mark” sends a shiver down my spine. 😔 We must do better for each successive generation of all children.

I remember a vacation where the camping ground was beginning to fill up and my anxiety reared its head. So I asked my partner if they'd be very disappointed if we had to cut the vacation short because of my anxiety. They said: 'No, it's alright with me if you want to to leave sooner.' And just like that my anxiety dropped so much that we didn't have to cut the vacation at all. Having a conflict free way out is so so so important!

Great topic!!! As a child I HATED being touched! I was undiagnosed, so it seemed strange to everyone when I hated being hugged or touched. To this day, my mom often guilts me for “her own daughter not hugging her,” when she knows EXACTLY why I don’t. Before I was diagnosed, I would literally tell her that it felt like acid to my skin to hug people. In the sixth grade all the girls had to do scoliosis checks which involved changing into a TINY halter top that literally only covered our chests (that we all had to share, mind you) just so they could run their finger up our spine. The whole situation made me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. They were so mad at me that I wouldn’t change into an extremely revealing top (when I was a chubby Tom-boy at that) and let them touch me. They made me out to be SO SILLY that I wouldn’t just get changed and let them touch me like all the other girls. I kept saying, “why can’t you just lift my shirt?” And they couldn’t give me and answer, but they also wouldn’t let it slide. After days of me REFUSING to get the scoliosis check, they called me mom who immediately agreed with me. She finally just ended up making me a hospital gown that I could put on so I they could just open the back slightly and do the check. When they were done with the two second process, the nurse literally said “wasn’t so hard, was it?” And I snobbily and sarcastically responded the same thing back the her. I felt so violated and no one could understand that.

"If you are under duress, your yes doesn't count".. 🙏 Thank you for focusing on this.. It feels like a mine-field..

Loved working in Japan. No hugging, no kissing, no hand-shaking. Everyone bows. Its also contagious. After a while, you do it without thinking.

As a trauma survivor who is also on the spectrum, this made me want to cry because so few social spaces in my life are set up like this. I isolate a lot because and need a lot of time to recover from unsafe spaces. Thank you for making me feel less broken for doing so. Hope this work becomes more widespread.

I love this! When I was in first grade, my teacher complained about me not hugging well enough and assigned hugging practice, which was traumatic for an unknowingly autistic girl. I'm happy changes are happening for children.

I LOVE consent culture. Its so good for everyone. But it's so nice to have "no" normalised. Friends who say "hey can we do this, it's cool if not". Makes so much of a difference. I hate having to read between the lines and worrying about the impact of saying no. Am I going to upset someone? Am I going to be declining this thing indefinitely? It's so nice to have things much clearer. And also to feel like if someone doesn't focus on consent, if they don't ask, it's okay that it makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not just "being silly"

I have a somewhat humorous story related to consent. A female coworker was walking around the building on her last day saying goodbye. We were work friends, but not social friends. The two of us chatted for a polite amount of time, then she leaned in for a hug. I reflexively backed away, then immediately felt embarrassed by my reaction. She took it well and said "You're not a hugger." I didn't know that about myself. Edit to say that this happened almost 20 years before my autism/ADHD diagnosis. I had no idea back then.

This is major. I learnt form the youngest age to systematicaly ignore my (autistic) feelings to please normal humans needs around me. How then was i supposed to develop a sense of self and a sane peronality... But i'm working on it now, rebuilding from the ground up, and yes today's consent culture help a great deal. For instance, co-wrokers tend to respect me more when i pass on social activities.

"Universal design for learning" "Allowing for processing time" "Giving people information in advance" - I love this x

I really like the move towards increasing autonomy and consent, I'd like to see it continue. Children at school are coerced in many ways to participate in things they don't want to and I dislike adults forcing them to under the assumption they'll enjoy it once they start, sometimes they don't and it really damages trust and safety. I have noticed that medical staff are doing a lot more asking before touching and I like it even though I'm usually comfortable with touch because it creates an environment of explicit respect of boundaries and patient experience.

I find actions speak much louder than words, and by the time we tell children they're allowed to say "No", we've already shown them a thousand times not to.

Autistic/Neurodiverse folks are mostly “ask culture” in my experience. This means asking about doing things like hugging, but also asking about things like what restaurant you want to go to. There is a significant population of the US, especially in the Southern states, that is strongly “guess culture.” People who are Guess culture expect you to read subtext, and don’t want to have to ask about where to eat or whether to hug. Asking incurs a debt in some or even many cases in that culture. The askee is not really allowed to say no to a request unless it’s egregiously not ok. This has been a huge problem between me — ADHD person raised in Northeastern US, where I am expected to be direct and I HATE “passive aggressive” behavior — and my probably autism-spectrum partner who was raised in the South. His “rules” state that he can NEVER ask for anything for himself, and that he can’t say no except in extreme circumstances. So even saying “can I give you a hug” doesn’t actually elicit consent from him, because he can’t say no. It’s quite crazy making for me, since he’s constantly “reading into” my responses for subtext that just isn’t there. I’m direct, often painfully so,” and I just say what I mean! Sometimes I’ll say yes or ok to things I’m only meh about, but if I really mean no, I’m likely to just say no. For him, I need to be careful how I phrase questions. I’ll often say something like “I’d like to do x, but I’m open to suggestions” rather than either “can we do x” or even “do you want to do x.” “Can we” comes across as a request and his rules interpret that as a demand (can’t say no). And “do you want to” comes across as me asking him to state a “selfish” or “direct” preference, which he won’t do either. So in general, I advise phrasing such as “are you a hugger?” Or “do you hug?” Rather than either “can I have a hug?” or “do you want a hug.” Both of those allow for a no or “not really” response that has less baggage in my experience. And yes, hugging with someone who is an enthusiastic yes is GREAT!

My life as an autistic person would have been so much better if I had grown up in this kind of culture of consent. Thank you for talking about this!

I can recommend the book "complex PTSD from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker. There is a big overlap between autism and complex PTSD and this book has lots of ideas for managing and understanding our stress response. It has been life changing for me. Thanks Paul and keep up the good work!

I grew up with expectations and no consent, and now I'm terrible at self advocacy.

Being diagnosed later in life it's a really odd experience to be told by people around me that my discomfort is enough of a reason not to do something (or do it in an accomodated way), even when it comes to bigger societal expectations like having a full time job etc. I kept asking people where the line was of how to know when I should just put up with discomfort because it couldn't be helped, but they keep insisting there isn't such a line and my discomfort is always valid. It's a good thing obviously but it's a lot to process when looking at the severe discomfort I grew up with. Like I'm on disability benefits and not working right now, but I know I was definitely struggling at least as much if not more as a child in public education, and I'm not sure how productive it is to think about what that could have meant and what my life would have been like if the adults in my life were aware of how I was feeling.

Growing up in an Indo family (Indonesian-European) I was horrified as a kid for having to give éveryone at a birthday party 3 kisses on the cheek. There were só many aunties & uncles that would pinch your cheeks and say “do you know who I am?!”. It was overwhelming and caused so much anxiety, but my parents scolded me and laughed that I was ‘overreacting’. Glad I’m grown now 🙏🏼