Dr. Catherine Monk: The Mother-Infant Relationship Before Birth & Why it Matters

The first 3 years after birth matter to not just the first 9 months of pregnancy. I experienced some stress while pregnant. I gave birth to my daughter, she hardly ever slept, wanted to be held constantly, walked around and shushed for hours and hours. She couldn’t eat a bottle if she was to upset which was over nothing, she just seemed to over react to everything. I guess you would say she was high needs because she always had to be help upright standing and walking. I also had extra help from family so I relied on them to help out babysitting while I slept. We practiced alot of putting her in and out of the crib so she would get used to that. When she was 6 months she was supposed to be sleeping more through the night but she was getting up 3 times every night for bottles or she would be up all night. Doctor said let her just cry herself to sleep but I never did it. I never followed a strict schedule with bottles or sleeping it was just whenever she wanted or needed them. At 9 months she was still getting up for bottles but it was only once or twice and doctor said that I must let her CIO at night and she can go without bottles, I never did it. Never wanted her to cry endlessly. I couldn’t trust her going to the church nursery once a week for the longest time cause she was so high needs! When she got a little older she could only go in for 45 minutes with the other kids even though church is like an hour and a half. But rn she is almost a year old. She’s so sweet now, she’s happy every morning when she wakes up, she loves hugs, she is obsessed with reading books, she seems more independent then what she was as a baby. She is very dramatic over diaper changes, going in her car seat, putting clothes on. But I think it’s just part of being a toddler. She still wants to be held and carried around before she goes down for a nap or bedtime and yes it kills my back but I love her. We also do the swing outside and car rides for naps or walks. She loves people, she likes to be busy, likes to be outside, so we do alot of that, I still haven’t put her in a daycare yet or have gone back to work cause I don’t think she’s ready for being in an environment with other kids all day in pretty much the same rooms. We’re making lots of progress and she’s only 11 months and I’m so proud of how far we’ve come!!!!

During my second pregnancy in 2022 I lost my job 5 months before getting pregnant. I slept through most of my pregnancy. I was always tired! But sleep is what made me feel like I could make it through the day. I had zero stress. A very happy marriage. There was a time though from September-December (she was born 12/20/22) that was a emotional because my sons biological father passed away. But I gave myself time to cry and then I would stop and shift my focus. When My daughter was born she was and still is an excellent sleeper. She’s happy ALL THE TIME! She LOVES children. She’s super friendly and so lovable. She’s smart, she met every single milestone on point! I often wonder if it’s because of her DNA or if it’s because I had such and amazing pregnancy! I had no sickness and gained about 10-13 pounds. But she’s an excellent little baby. I’m amazed. She would sleep 10-12 hours. We have a routine at home and she sticks to it! I just found out I am 6 weeks pregnant so I’ll see how the next baby is.

The pressure this puts on mothers-to-be on top of all other worries and the beginning transition towards being a parent.... When my wife was 25 weeks pregnant with my second son, our eldest daughter became so ill we were being told we might lose her. 2 weeks of intensive care and 5 weeks of hospital, and my wife has never, ever been in a comparable panic mode throughout her whole life. Now. There are studies that seem to suggest that a fetus that has been exposed to significant maternal stress in the womb during pregnancy weeks 25 to 28 have a significantly higher risk of developing autism. My wife was severely stressed from week 25 to week 32. And, indeed, my second son has autism. Could be coincidence, and if not, very likely the stress my wife experienced during the crucial pregnancy weeks was only one of several contributing factors (she was also exposed to high environmental pollution during pregnancy weeks 24 to 26 - nile cruise in Egypt with diesel fumes in our cabines so bad that it made her throw up in the middle of the night so we spent our nights 'sleeping' on deck -, and there is also one case of autism in my extended family). Anyhow, as you might imagine, she is blaming herself really badly in those moments when it's hard to focus only on going forwards and keeping in mind that what is done is done and no struggling with past decisions can make these undone. My wife feels very guilty for not having been able to stress less, and for that she 'gave our son autism' because she was too weak when our daughter was on dialysis in intensive care, with sepsis and water on heart and lungs. Podcasts like this are such a massive opportunity for women who are not experiencing massive external stress during pregnancy that they can't avoid to influence their child's very early life to the better. But a podcast like this is also a bit of another slap into the face of women who did face huge amounts of stress during pregnancy that they couldn't avoid, and whose children are facing issues that other children don't.

"The first 1000 Days" (includes gestations), by Dr. Allan Schore is a masterpiece which explains much, including the content herein. Highly recommend. It's a remarkable period, and our lack of understanding of it explains much of what we are seeing in terms of "mental illness". Emotional Dysregulation, caused during this important period, for many, is a lifelong, undiscussed, underlying problem.

Many behavioural problems occur in infants and young children when society does not allow the mother to nurture her child. Our greed-driven society and the media tell families the mother has a responsibility to her employer and must return to work with total disregard for the infant's need to be in physical contact and to be nurtured by his/her mother. Mothers forced to return too early to work disregard the stress signals their child gives them. The mother returns home tired and stressed, and the infant/child recognizes this state and tunes into this creating more difficulties for the child. The last generation of mothers fought for parental leave so the child could then begin separation at the start of kindergarten which was invented to offer additional safe surroundings for the child at that stage of development when the child shows interest to interact with and play with other children from around age three +. What happened? Why have governments initiated mainstream media selling of the image of the professional superwoman? Demanding mothers place their infants for long hours in outsourced care with staff who have no emotional investment in the development and care of the infant five days a week. This takes place without prior investigation, a real understanding of the infant`s needs. Behavioural difficulties, anxiety, and a lack of self-regulation are observable in many children who were too soon removed from their mother's care. Is collecting taxes from these women so important right now? Mental health has higher costs in the years that follow. The mother-infant relationship after birth and prioritising your child`s care under age three matters.

I had anxiety for the first time in my life during my pregnancy, I felt so much stress for no reason and I had a panic attack and I told my doctor and she just said “it’s normal” and then my baby was the hardest baby of any of my friends, she didn’t sleep, she screamed in the car seat no matter what I did. She’s 18 months now and now I’m hoping I didn’t mess her up for life 😢

Thanks for all the information but I would love to see more in dept conversations and studies about the solution. We are very familiar with the problem. This was still very informative and gave the science behind what everyone suspected. ❤️

I think a dads touch and time to mum while pregnant makes a lot of difference

Newborn Adoptees were and still are separated from their moms at birth, like I was. I never got to know my mom and it really messed me up. We need less adoptions, and more family preservation.

This video is making me stressed. I commute up to 2 hours each way 4 days a week and am in a high stress job (first time being in charge of a whole region). I do everything I can to be healthy. Consistent sleep, hydration, nutrition, research…but internally I am often stressed

I think about my very different experiences during 2 pregnancies and they don’t line up with any of what this lady is saying. I had more stress with my first and she’s the most chill and happy. I had a much more relaxed and pleasant pregnancy and birth with my second kid who I felt more connected to, and he was a total nightmare. I started feeling leas connected. He was so fussy, so unhappy, so restless and needy, and as he grew, started having the nastiest tantrums and behaviors. He only improved when he started preschool with a very experienced and patient teacher. He’s in kindergarten now and continues to improve. He’s turning into a sweet kid with better emotional regulation, and less rigidity, and he’s a very good student. Still has some issues with listening and obedience/respecting his teacher, but the difference now from when he was 1-3 is like night and day. My chill happy daughter on the other hand isn’t a great student, and spends a lot of time daydreaming because she’s very creative and is continually sparked to dream up new ideas. She’s very much like me as a kid and I struggled with school because of my daydreaming and slow pace.

I know some of this is difficult to hear but she's giving scientific data... It's good stuff to know

Hello! A man called me entitled, because I said that a fetus and a mother have extremely special relationship and a father, unfortunately, is in disadvantage here. He said a man can have as deep bond with a child as a mother. He ignored the fact that women are the ones varying the baby and providing everything for it. I understand in this day and age we try to make things equal but some things are just obvious. Is it perhaps true regarding the opinion he says?

How does an adult who experienced prenatal stress heal? What types of therapy or other modalities?

I feel more stressed after watching this video now lol

This is survival; no one should let this terribly upset them.

Neurodivergence like ADHD and autism are genetic, so it makes sense that if the mother is neurodivergent, the child will be. And, as is now often said, the world has not yet produced an un-traumatized autistic person. We are more likely to be stressed, but that's not the cause by default. Neurodivergent therefore stress, NOT stress and therefore neurodivergent.

This explains why I had a miscarriage at 21 weeks.

This video alone is giving me anxiety. Ups and downs during pregnancy are normal according to my OB, as hormones fluctuate and so are the moods and anxieties. All of these emotions are part of normal human life so to completely avoid the stresses is be unrealistic and putting a lot of pressure on expecting mothers to be perfect and have a perfect life with a perfect family and perfect circumstances. What if we teach the society in general how to treat pregnant women instead? How about we reinvent the workforce policies and regulations to allow the mothers to stay with their babies at home for as long as they need to without the risk of financial ruins? This data is important. What's more important is what is done with that knowledge.

Adopted parents can benefit from this relationship too?