The Morning After I Killed Myself

Hello, I am the author of this piece and I wanted to thank illneas so much for creating this rendition! I'm truly grateful for his collaboration and support! I wrote this piece several years ago as someone who was suicidal and enduring a severe trauma. I'm continually humbled by the outpouring of support it has received. I posted it on my blog after I wrote it and never expected it to go viral. This piece was a letter to myself as a suicidal person, and so it may not resonate with everyone. I wrote it to myself and it was what I needed to hear at the time. Sending love to everyone who is currently or has been struggling to the point of considering suicide. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best across the world in the U.S. Have a wonderful day, everyone! Thank you again!

"too tired to stay too scared to leave"

“the bravest thing that person can do is to stay alive when they wanted to die.”

I once tried to kill myself by hanging. As I was about to kick the chair away my cat ran to my room holding my old plushy I had lost. She looked at me looking like she was about to cry, we stared at each other for a long while. I couldn’t go through with it knowing at least 1 thing cared about me. my favorite thing loved me, she is the only thing that stopped me. I love her

One of my closest childhood friends committed suicide when he was only 13. His name was Carter. We were friends since we were 6 years old. He was my first friend in the United States and the only kid who made an effort to get to know me when I didn’t speak English yet. We traded Pokemon cards on the bus every day and he taught me what everything meant and which cards I should never give away. I walked into school the day he passed and all the teachers were crying. When us students were finally told what happened that morning, my whole world collapsed. I didn’t cry for the first few minutes after I found out because I couldn’t believe it. When the tears came, they didn’t stop for years. There were no more classes that day and the rest of the week because the teachers couldn’t bear to teach without him and the students couldn’t bear to learn without him. Almost everyone in my grade went to his funeral. Most people wore black but I wore a pokeball sweatshirt and an Ash Ketchum hat in his honor. The hardest I’ve ever cried in my life was when I saw his small casket being carried down the isle. After the funeral service we all gathered at the same park where our 5th grade graduation was held years before. The same park where Carter had once chased me with a water gun, laughing and smiling as we ran in the sun after eating sandwiches and popsicles together. We each released a red balloon for him. His favorite color. He loved the color red, Pokemon, Minecraft, Dragon Ball Z, potatoes, reading, and making people laugh. He was the goofiest, kindest, purest soul I’ve ever known. One time I missed my bus stop so I got off at his and he walked me home. I tried to convince him that I could go alone but he insisted on taking me. “The world is a dangerous place and I want to protect you,” he said as we walked. I remember staring at him from my window as he walked back home alone after dropping me off (my mom and I offered to drive him home but he didn’t let us) and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. I thought about that moment when I visited his grave alone and sang to him for hours. I thought about that moment every time I cried for him, which was every day for years. I am 21 years old now. 8 years have passed since he left this world and I still have dreams about him often, ones where he’s still alive. I wish he knew how much I loved him. How much his family loved him. How much the entire school loved him. If you read all of this, thank you for taking the time to hear my story and please know that there are people who care about you even when you can’t see it. Life can be ugly but ultimately it is beautiful and living is worth it. If you can’t live for yourself, live for the people that love you and eventually you will live for yourself too because life will get better, I promise.

"I'm too tired to stay...I'm too scared to leave" You don't wanna die, you just want relief...

"With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed." This part hit.

Dropping this comment here hoping someone likes this so i can come to rewatch it.

I lost my 13-year-old daughter to suicide six months ago. As a form of self-therapy and means to try and help other people, I've been creating videos in which I explore nature and narrate my journey with grief. Content like this is also tremendously helpful. Thank you for taking the time to share this with the world.

I was told there is a great difference between not wanting to live anymore, and not wanting to live like this anymore

"... who now sat in his desk at school, trying desperately to believe I still existed." Oof! That one hit me.

As a survivor and have been in that cold dark pit searching for an escape from this miserable experience… just pause… think of ur loved ones finding ur body. The last time I tried I felt my lips wrapped around the cold barrel. It tasted like a salty AA battery. In that moment I thought about my mom finding me. I cried and considered myself a failure once again. I woke up on my bathroom floor, still cold and the floor tile left an imprint on my face. I sold the gun I owned and started over. I managed to live another twenty years and got married and have a beautiful baby boy that is my universe. He was my reason for existing. Well it’s January 21, 2024 today, and my mom just died yesterday. And somehow YouTube recommended me this video. Thank you mom for being there when I needed you most. I know I wasn’t the greatest son in the world but I live each day trying to be a good father.

This made me cry. I’ve been struggling with depression and burnout for what feels like a decade now and recently have noticed an uptick in suicidal ideation. I truly don’t want to die but sometimes I just don’t want to exist. Watching this beautiful video makes me realize I don’t want to die, I just want to feel alive again.

The morning after I killed myself I fell in love with life

"Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what's left and live it properly." - Marcus Aurelius

I was 23 and I was chatting with a girl at a party for quite a long while. She said she had to go home and with a quick "see ya around!" she was gone. I turned around to see a very forlorn looking younger man looking at the floor. "She's nice isn't she?" He murmured. I agreed and it turned out that she had just broken up with him and i offered him my comiserations, wished him luck and wandered off to my bedroom. The next day my fellow share housers were talking about how Vincent had turned the gas on and put his head into the oven when he got home from the party. I asked who Vincent was. He was the young man who looked forlorn.... 'The morning after I died' brought all that back to me just now. I'm 65 yo now.

"the morning after I killed myself I tried to unkill myself, but I couldn't finish what I started" is so powerful. I might just get that tattooed onto me, right next to the Avatar quote about hope being something you give yourself

Brain: Suicide is the answer, it won't hurt anymore. Heart: But my dog will forever be searching for me.

I read a really interesting piece recently. It was titled “why do people jump” and showed a famous picture of a man jumping off a building. The article went on to say that what if in this photo we could see the building was on fire and the pain of burning was greater then jumping. Just because we can’t see the fire doesn’t mean it’s not there. No one wants to jump or die but The fire that’s been burning in their mind for so long is so powerful and painful that jumping is the less painful option. It summed up depression and suicidal thoughts really clearly for me so just wanted to share

I'm not suicidal I'm not alone I'm not unwanted I'm not worthless I'm just lost