The Desire for Nothingness

There's nothing more wonderful and yet nothing so horrid as existence.

“We often suffer more from imagination than we do from reality “ - Seneca

No one will even see this, but oh my god. I feel so misunderstood and unseen and useless and like my whole life has been a big unexplainable enigma of psychotic torment. I feel so alone and disconnected and when I watch your videos I feel like things make sense. It's easier to take in the unexplainable emotions when you find a way to put it into precise individual words. There's so much overwhelming chaos of emotions and thoughts and wishes and you just explain things perfectly and make me feel less alone and more understood. Thank you so much for using your vocally articulative gift to make people like me feel more comfortable in our skin. I listen to what you have to say and feel like all of the worst parts of life are justified and satisfied.

My father committed suicide right before covid. I always wonder what was going through his head when he did it. He was liked by everyone and had a great life. Great family. Was smart, healthy, had beaten cancer twice and was in remission for over 5 years. He had everything going for him, and put on a good show. Then one tuesday morning decided to end it. He left a note that said he was doing this for us. And I truly believe he thought we would be better off without him. I wish I could go back and ask him how he was feeling the last time we saw eachother. But I didn't. I didn't because I thought he would be okay. He was the epitome of strength to me and if anyone could pull out of a dive, it was him. If anyone you know is thinking of suicide or even if you 1% suspect they are, get them help. Be there for them to listen and don't tell them to "Just smile and everything will be okay.." It doesn't work like that. I wish I knew what he was thinking so that I could've helped him. This video gave me a slight insight into how he was perceiving the world. Thank you for always making top quality videos. You help so many people with your insight.

This feels exactly like what I'm going through right now. The numbness, the longing, the fading of colors. It's all too relatable with how my life is going at the moment.

A mind too conscious of itself is torn between 2 decisions either shut it off or continue to torment itself. Life I guess is a happy medium, not being too ignorant but not to the point of mind collapse on its own weight.

The emptiness of the embrace of death, makes a life with & without a purpose seem valuable.

A few years ago when I was at the height of my passive suicidal ideation, daily self care tasks used to upset me the most. I remember that flossing and brushing my teeth every night would threaten to send me over the edge; it felt so redundant and futile to have to do this all again. After working at a dental office for two years and seeing the harrowing effect of neglecting your self care, I became immensely grateful that I have the opportunity to do daily self care tasks. The owner of our company was a rich asshole but he said something that stuck with me: taking preventative care of your teeth is one of the easiest and cheapest forms of self love. If you really love yourself, don’t neglect the banal things.

You have no idea how often I fantasize about all humans vanishing overnight.

Made three attempts at ending it. First when I was 19. I drove my airbagless car into a tree at 90 mph without a seatbelt and leaning forward in the hopes I'd be thrown through the windshield. Woke up in a hospital bed surrounded by friends, family and two girls that were not happy to be in the same room together. Had a severe concussion and there were bits of glass embedded in one ear and had a few small cuts on my face but other than that I was fine. Not even a broken bone. It actually took 15 years to remember I did it on purpose, as my brain had blocked it out. Second time was a few years later. I got my hands on a bottle of barbiturates. I looked up the LD50 for that drug, then I took five times that amount, drank some whiskey just to be sure then climbed in the shower fully clothed and turned it on. At that time my circle of friends would just randomly drop by my house so I knew someone would find me fairly quickly. Next thing I recall was waking up with a buddy of mine sitting near my bed with me in it playing video games. He and two other people had pulled me out of the shower and tossed me in my bed, thinking I had just gotten too fucked up. Didn't go to the hospital. Stomach wasn't pumped and I never threw up, so it all stayed down, but I lived. Third time was much much later. I had bought a shotgun off of a coworker along with some shells. At the time I bought it I hadn't planned on trying suicide again. My third attempt I racked a shell, stuck the barrel in my mouth and pulled the trigger. Click. That's all that happened. Misfire. I decided then that this place wasn't going to allow me to leave it early. I would have to ride it out until whenever the end would be. Now I just figure that I'm going to die someday anyways, so I may as well see what happens between now and then. We all get our day so there's plenty of time to see the other side.

"pretty soon i just gave up looking for answers, turned around and went back home" Literally my brain during a math test.

Just like when Squidward finally admitted he misses Spongebob in the land of nothingness. Episode SB-129

This is very relatable, As someone who contemplates suicide on a nearly daily basis.

What i got from this is someone who wished to escape from his feelings of pain and hurt but in doing so he realised that maybe those feelings are what he needed all along but in exchange for peace he got nothing but pure emptiness

The social psychology of this century reveals a major lesson: often it is not so much the kind of person a man is as the kind of situation in which he finds himself that determines how he will act.

Sometimes in order to see the beauty in life, the beauty must be taken away. We begin recognizing things once they are gone, but don’t see them when they are right in front of us. Once all is gone, all will be understood.

Being so tired yet not being able to sleep at all. I know all about that after 3 years of chronic insomnia

Beautiful video. I believe a healthy tool to incorporate is to view ones life daily through the lense of our deaths. This gives us a very clearly painted picture of what death could look like, but we are our biggest critics. Attempting to affirm our actions each day from the view of our own selves on our deathbeds would ideally allow us to be more understanding and honest with ourselves. The nice part too is that if we are deeply unsatisfied with the life we've lived, we dont have to wait until we are dying to finally realize this, and can hopefully take steps to change ourselves in a way that is more fulfilling for ourselves.

Ah...guess I been feeling too fulfilled, time for my daily dose of existential crisis.

It's funny how we human would rather feel pain and suffer than just numbness. Because emptiness is worse than any emotion we can feel. Many time the worst part about mental illness such as depression is not the sadness nor the loneliness. Its the feeling of emptiness. Feel like you are just a shell of a human, hollow, indifferent,