Indiana Jones 5 - No More Heroes

Published 2023-07-25
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny takes one of cinema's most charming, optimistic heroes and gives him the Jake Skywalker treatment. Its deserved failure completes the set for Kathleen Kennedy and Lucasfilm. This film makes Kingdom of the Crystal Skull look good. It should never have been made.

Thanks to @ozkii95 and @MrBrownAlliance for help with the editing!

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Timestamps
Intro: He Belongs in a Museum: 00:00 - 11:25
Indiana Jones & the De-Aged Face: 11:26 - 14:34
Planes, Trains and Nazi Mobiles: 14:35 - 22:00
Religious McGuffins vs Science McMuffins: 22:01 - 31:00
Jurgen Voller is Dead: 31:01 - 38:20
Indiana Jones & The Prologue of Doom: 38:21 - 41:51
Now I Am Become Plinkett: 41:52 - 47:30
Henry Jones' Moon Landing: 47:31 - 57:02
Helena Shaw Does Not Belong: 57:03 - 01:00:35
Jurgen Voller is Alive: 01:00:35 - 01:08:02
The CIA Has Me on a List: 01:08:03 - 01:10:35
The Moral Clarity of the Nazis: 01:10:36 - 01:17:01
Boyd with the Pistol in the Library: 01:17:02 - 01:27:06
Trigger-Happy Crackers: 01:27:07 - 01:32:00
Horse 1-0 Train: 01:32:01 - 01:35:18
Jurgen has Completed Space: 01:35:19 - 01:38:40
Suddenly, Sallah! 01:38:41 - 01:44:16
Indiana Jones & The Last Flashback: 01:44:17 - 01:47:00
Phoebe Waller-Bridge Isn't Funny: 01:47:01 - 01:51:23
Tuktuk Wacky Races: 01:51:24 - 02:01:14
Don't Trust Nazis (or the CIA): 02:01:15 - 02:04:26
Helena vs Mutt: 02:04:27 - 02:09:07
Puss In Boats: 02:09:08 - 02:12:35
Indy Forgets About Magic: 02:12:36 - 02:17:32
Alas Poor Mutt, I Knew Him: 02:17:33 - 02:24:12
Would You Like to Buy My Boat? 02:24:13 - 02:31:29
Nazis Have Eyes You Moron: 02:31:30 - 02:34:52
The Ear Wax of Dionysius: 02:34:53 - 02:39:13
The Tomb of Archimedes: 02:39:14 - 02:49:44
Let's Kill Hitler: 02:49:45 - 02:57:08
CONTINENTAL DRIFT! 02:57:09 - 03:00:38
Shoot Romans, Save Hitler: 03:00:39 - 03:06:03
Indiana Jones and the Assisted Suicide: 03:06:04 - 03:13:20
And Now Marion For Some Reason: 03:13:21 - 03:16:10
Conclusion: Jake Jones & the Phoebe Waller-Bridge of Doom: 03:16:11 - 03:20:25
P.S. Come On Kathleen: 03:20:26 - 03:32:20

All Comments (21)
  • @TheLittlePlatoon
    Thanks to Ozkii & Mr Brown for their help with this video. Links to both channels are in the description. Give them a sub!

    Audio might be a bit peaky for the first 30 minutes because I am an idiot.
  • @alariaaurora8456
    You know, if 10 years ago someone told me that “in the next 10 years Hollywood will become so shitty that you’d rather spend 3.5 hours watching a critique of your favorite franchise rather than watching an actual movie from that franchise” i’d call him crazy but look where we are
  • @cronid9623
    Rachel Weisz, in The Mummy, perfectly captured the "educated, elegant and beautiful heroine" far better than Waller-Bridge could ever dream of. And she never seemed out of place in the film's time period.
  • @Nobody-ud6ou
    I always interpreted "it belongs in a museum" as "it needs to be protected and displayed so everyone can see important parts of the past with their own eyes." I don't think it's hard to see why it applies to old movies.
  • @DovahSpy
    I still can't get over how the nazis' plan is to go back in time and kill Hitler. This isn't even a shark jump, this is a rocket-powered motorcycle doing a triple backflip over a pool full of cloned megalodons.
  • @asd35918
    The sniggering disdain and anti-charisma in all the Helena stills are amazing. Well done.
  • @Max-lx2bh
    To this day...hearing his dad call him by his real name and telling him to let it go still hits me hard. Between Indys shocked face and his dad's I finally get it now...perfect ending to their story.
  • @master_samwise
    The takedown of Disney as the anti-Indiana Jones who simply cannot leave relics in the museum is absolutely poetic.
  • "I said: my biggest fear is making a bad movie"

    the way he looked at her while stating that was so telling. Also, btw, it seems he was playing himself in that psychiatrist show (it's pretty decent; kinda funny and has good moments).
  • @PhattyBolger
    Helena: "You're an aging grave-robber"
    Indy: "Part time"
  • @paulpascoe663
    I think I just noticed for the first time when Sean Connery is holding Harrison Ford when he's trying to reach the grail, that is the one time he refers to him as 'Indiana' rather than 'Junior'. Badass
  • Whoever wants to see the actual Lance of Longinius can see it at the Imperial Treasury at the Hofburg Palace in Vienna. There's also a replica of the lance of longinius that Otto III had made in 1000 to gift to the duke Boleslaw I of poland when he delcared him as "socius et amicus". That replica today can be found at the Wawel royal castle in Krakow.

    The actual Antikythera mechanism was found broken into three main fragments all lumped together in one clump. Currently, due to reconstruction and conservation efforts it is broken up into a total of 82 seperate fragments. All fragements are currently in posession of the National Archeological Museum Athens and can be seen there.
  • @cmcculloch1
    Little platoon never fails to impress that he can go 3+ hours without repeating himself, become dull and been entertaining and interesting with well reasoned intelligent points
  • @hothotheat3000
    Makes no sense for a wannabe rebel like Mutt to enlist in the Army. He’d be the last guy to go to Vietnam.
  • @hideousruin
    I'm such a f## I teared up at the "Indiana - let it go" scene. There is so much genuine paternal love and guidance conveyed in so few words with that soft tone Connery used.

    There is more genuine feeling in that moment than a dozen modern Disney movies.
  • @SexyCripples
    I'm just about 30 minutes in, but I just want to tell you (or the guys who helped you with this video) how much I appreciate that tiny moment at 35:43, when your "again" synchs up perfectly with Indy's lip movement.
    It does NOT go unnoticed.
  • Harrison Ford's greatest fear is making a bad movie ... but that doesn't seem to prevent him taking the money and making them anyway.
  • @Ash_Rein
    De-aging means nothing if they can’t make the voices sound younger. People are forgetting how important audio is. In some ways it’s 10 times more important than any visual because it’s what connects us to what we’re seeing and makes us actually believe what we’re seeing.
  • You know what I respect most about you Platoon?
    You never shy away from praising the things you like in the things you hate. No matter how meticulously you had to dig to find it, no matter how brief the moment, if you see something you like surrounded in a absolute mountain of turd, you still take the time to hold it up and say "This one little thing really wasn't that bad".
    It can be hard sometimes to not grow blind with hate, but I can always count on you to praise something when you think it deserves it.

    Even if really most of what I've seen you review is THAT BAD overall.
  • @lance134679
    I always like the way the older films portrayed elderly characters as wise, maybe a bit set in their ways, but able to pass on the benefit of their experiences to the younger generation. Henry Jones, Sr. was such a character. Obiwan was, too. But the new movies have no reverence for older male characters, it almost seems like they resent them and the audience for cherishing them.