Why Is Everyone So Anxious & Avoidant? - Connor Beaton

Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps: 00:00 What is Attachment Theory? 05:15 Why Is This Useful in Evolution? 12:53 How Attachment Styles Are Formed 23:07 Attachment Before & After 18 Months 26:15 How to Discover Your Own Style 30:47 The Core of Anxious Attachment 34:42 Tactics to Regulate Anxious Attachment 46:31 Is Anxious Attachment More in Women? 53:27 Understanding Avoidant Attachment 1:03:11 What Does Being Avoidant Feel Like? 1:12:29 How to Regulate Avoidant Attachment 1:24:49 Can You Improve Attachment on Your Own? 1:30:18 Having a Foggy Memory of Childhood 1:35:48 How to Help an Anxious/Avoidant Partner 1:42:44 Where to Find Connor

As a fearful avoidant myself, this guy nailed it perfectly on the head. You learn to rely on yourself so much that you just feel frustrated at yourself for not being able to let go and just ask for help. You just lie to yourself and everyone around you about being okay, but inside is this storm of negative emotions and self hate.

1:22:33 - For those looking for the same thing I was, the combination of both, he called Fearful-Avoidant or Disorganized-Attachment and he mentions it here. "Really deep desire for intimacy and closeness while feeling completely unlovable and distrusting people to accept who you are and actually support you."

I spent over a decade (IN THE PAST CALM DOWN) in therapy with a whole multitude of issues, and it just took this 1 podcast to COMPLETELY explain my entire life and why I am the way I am. I'm actually in mild shock and disbelief right now. EDIT: To tell people they're freaking out for no reason thinking I'm still in therapy.

Connor’s the man. Great male-oriented approach to self-development without the limitations of the red-pill worldview

Connor articulates men’s emotions extremely well. A wise man to follow gents.

(Dismissive) Avoidant Attached here. Grew up with a Disorganized Attached father and a Secure Attached mother. My father dealt with war trauma (Japanese Occupation in the 40’s) and he was very verbally violent. All I could do as a 4 year old (and on) is go into freeze, shut off and avoid. I did this for 43 very long years. For you people out there, Avoidant Attached people want to connect! But we feel unsafe in our bodies and we are scared to be vulnerable again because: ‘what if?’. Somatic Experiencing is helping me heal and to move into Secure Attached now and oh boy…. It is worth it!

I have avoidant style, recognised a few years ago by a friend in mental health. I was a ‘mail order’ adoption via a London agency and at four months I was flown out to my adoptive parents living in an African colony. My new mother, a single child who’s father died when she was two, didn’t warm to me and struggled to bond, frequently leaving me with a neighbour, my dad was on an upward career path and his time was limited. At 3.5 years my sister arrived after fertility treatment and she became the focus. I was a mischievous kid , a handful and would often escape the house to explore. Primary school was stabilising, weekends and school holidays would be daily escapes into the bush with my school pals, on my returns I would be punished, hand, shoe, dog lead, swinging broom, belt whatever was to hand. At nine after being brought home by the police for the third time I was sent to boarding school, 1200 miles away in South Africa, to be ‘straightened out’ left there 3 days before school started. I became a scrapper to manage the bullying, a behaviour which came with frequent canning. After starting I didn’t return home for two terms, there was a problem with my adoption which delayed a passport being issued. When I got home, we were sitting around a pool where my parents told me I was adopted, that I wasn’t their natural son and about the passport issue. I got up and sat the other side of the pool and cried, my sister came round and gave me a hug and told me I was always going to be her brother. That pool became symbolic, I felt unwanted, school became ‘home, I dreaded end of term and became independent. At 14, my folks returned to the U.K. and a whole new set of experiences. There’s more but whilst my folks were indifferent to my sports and career successes, my sister always kept me tied into family events. This cast covers much of what I felt and feel, experienced and experience.

Guilt results in a desire to atone. Shame results in a desire to hide. "Love is always stronger than fear."

It took 5 relationships to recognise i was constantly with emotionally unavailable people as it mirrored my upbringing.. once i figured that out i then began to see my anxious side.. however, through later life trauma i also inevitably swung to avoidant to cope (though i didnt realise that) suffice it to say, after several years of then feeling like i just couldnt seem to make friends, partners or keep a job and had a mental breakdown did i finally understand i had disorganised attachment and was only ever keeping one plate in the air. Trying to keep both up was hard and for the most part i have the anxious side sorted in external relationships though still get triggered by my parent - the avoidant side is much harder to handle as its become somewhat of a shield now. Trusting that others will stay and actually care is the core issue left to tackle. And now in therapy to do that. Love this in depth video- great to hear it all so well explained and in one video not ten! Lol Have saved to share with others in the future.

Like many of us, I have watched/listened to what now amounts to hundreds, if not thousands, of videos and PCs pertaining to self-help, mental health, wellness, and the like. Not a single one hit my innermost soul as hard (nor resonated with me as much) as this blessing to the world. Thank you both beyond measure. 💓🙏🏻🌹

Lack of attachment to a caregiver leads to attachment to the need itself. I never heard that idea before

Connor and Chris are some of the best masculine role models I came across in my Life, especially for modern men. Thank you both for your massive work for Men's mental health and healthy Life.

Great video. One of the things rarely talked about is how family emeshment can lead to avoidance. Some people felt they had very loving parents when in fact they were quite enmeshed.

This entire conversation is an absolute goldmine. Thank you, Chris & Connor!

The problem with Attachment Theory is its presumed causality (i.e. you’re this way because of the way you learned to connect with others during your early childhood, largely with your mother). This is disproven by twin studies showing relational impacts of temperament (specifically in the domains of neuroticism and agreeableness). At best, Attachment Theory is personality theory for agreeable people who prioritize the view of the world through the lens of relationships. This is useful, but imprecise. As long as it’s sold a relational heuristic, which it is, then we’re all good. However, most mid-level psychotherapy practitioners aren’t sufficiently versed in research operationalization or psychometrics and we end up with an industry-wide case of concept creep. Highly agreeable people are disproportionately represented in the field of psychotherapy (which is largely a good thing) but they’re certainly inclined to view psychology through a relational lens even if it’s the wrong tool to lead to a solution.

I wasn't always, but have been an avoidant individual for the past decade or so. I'm decent looking, fairly intelligent, and have average social skills, but after experiencing trauma I detached myself socially. I'm now afraid to go out and have no one to go out with. I'm also a perfectionist, so I only want to show the best version of myself and afraid to show vulnerabilities.

Fearful Avoidant here👋 It's not a beautiful thing, it sucks pus😂 It's hard! I'm even studying psychology and trying to heal this is hard! Thank goodness the urge for connection is greater than avoiding everything, disappearing into the woods, and becoming crazy old cat lady. Seriously though, great podcast❤️❤️❤️

I think Chris asked a good question about brain scan differences in people with attachment disorders. I wish there was a bit more of a discussion about this here but I wanted to add that there are differences as evidenced by brain scans and clinical research, and it is fascinating especially when it comes to avoidantly attached individuals. There are numerous published studies that show avoidantly attached individuals suffer more memory issues, respond less to stimuli, and overall show fundamental physiological differences in their brains. 🧠 it’s not as simple as they feel anxiety about intimacy and then ghost; they actually in many cases aren’t wired to even receive and experience closeness the same way secure or anxiously attached individuals are, so their experience of “anxiety” is likely not the same. I personally would be so excited to see an episode with Dr. Kirk Honda who runs the YT channel Psychology in Seattle. His content is high quality. He has hours of discussion on attachment theory on his podcasts and YouTube channel.

❤️ the gratitude list! This method is gold : grateful for ->is important for me because-> how it makes me feel is