Autistic Masking & Romantic Relationships

When you said in your childhood, you were made to feel like it was your job to make everyone else feel comfortable, I felt that. I was the same way for me. It almost destroyed me entirely. Unlearning the unhealthy aspects of all of that is a journey and it’s difficult.

I love these open conversations you and Mr Purple have. The small disagreements and working things out and restructuring sentences and points made is such a good example fo healthy communication

I love this conversation! I know EXACTLY how you feel when you say you feel like you have to be "always on" when someone else is there. That's part of the reason I don't know if I could live in the same house with a future partner, because I don't feel like I can ever fully relax when someone else is there because my form of "relaxed" (doing a lot of what you described - singing to myself, pulling faces, repeating things to myself, dancing around) is something I'll be judged for. Growing up, my parents made some negative comments if we were being too loud/boisterous in the house and I think I learned to shut that down in front of other people. Thank you for talking about this!!

I'm Mr P in our relationship. I'm loving how open you both are. My wife and me have been married for over 40 years, like you she got a very late diagnosis (60). I can see many aspects of your conversation in our relationship. I hope you will find a way to relax and be yourself, especially in the privacy of your own home in front of the man you love - and who loves you. We've made significant changes in our home and our relationship that will enable Mrs C to be herself. But like you - it's an ongoing process. Thank you Ella, you see like a very lovely person - take care both of you xx. 🙋‍♂🙋‍♂

"When I'm shutting down the playfulness, I'm just intense" - I felt this very deep. Thank you for this video! :)

Always being "on"...this is probably the biggest thing I struggle with. I try to turn off occasionally, and then I feel guilty for not taking care of everyone and everything. And my family struggles to understand that when I'm overstimulated or burnt out, even their presence in the room is too much.

For me, it's difficult for a couple of reasons to unmask around my close ones. First of all, it's some kind of (false) empathy. As a teenager, my mum once complained that I am so exhausting when I am in a food mood and when I am in a bad mood. So I always feel that my emotional displays are "too much". Another part of tending to mask is the feeling of not being safe. I experienced in former relationships that I unmasked in front of my partner and later on, when those relationships started to break up (it's a process in my experience, not something that just happens), those partners could be mean about my behaviours or ignored at moments when they supported me before. That was extremely painful and made me feel again and again loosing trust in even those people close to yourself. On the other side, my husband is disappointed if I mask, it feels for him as if I was not being honest to him. And also he feels hurt that I don't trust him enough to just unmask at all times. Finally, I really can't unmask completely anymore. I need to be alone to dance "like noone is watching", I need to hike alone to be really enduring. At times, I need to be alone to have my inner dialogues, to not being able to adapt to anyone else, hence being my true self.

Why its hard to unmask? Masking often develops in early childhood before developing self awareness. This means that the process of masking is not something that most autistic people are aware of. This is extremely fundamental! Its like trying to shut down keeping balance & not falling while walking. Its not an aware process - but eats at least as much energy since its simply not natural - contrary to keeping balance (to most).

I really appreciate you and mr purple being willing to talk so openly to help others. I means a lot

That was a quite intimate conversation and I feel like he loves you so very much and that makes me very happy :') You two will work things out like you did in the past <3 ps: In my opinion, part of why "unmasking" late in life is so hard, is that you won't know who "you" are and maybe you haven't developed much of a personality besides the mask.

Thank you. Coming from a home where healthy conversations about needs were not had.. that felt good to see that example

I love this conversation and completely resonate with masking by constantly needing to be turned on and meeting everyone’s needs. My husband works out of town and is gone for 2 weeks every month then home with no work for 2 weeks. Having him at home is so bittersweet. I love him and want to be with him and enjoy our adventures and memories we make together yet I am utterly exhausted and frustrated and on edge after just a day or two. It’s so draining to attend to his needs, our autistic son’s needs, schedule changes, more demands to cook or clean, more social outings, more having to conversate, etc. It is hard to unmask and rest in those moments where everyone is home and needs us. Especially when unmasking and relaxing, to me, means zoning out for hours on YouTube or in a book.

I am struggling immensely, I’m 37 and was diagnosed September 2021. Not knowing if your partner will ever accept you, is so so SO hard. Thank you for your efforts and knowledge sharing. ❤

This is a great conversation. Mr. Purple seems like such a supportive partner! Unmasking is so hard and being 'on' can just be automatic, but it's great that he is so understanding. I hope your unmasking journey continues well Ella.

I’ve relayed some of my wife and myself’s past before so will skip most of that except to say, we’re 68, discovered we’re both autistic/ADHD/Dyslexic 2 years ago as our grandchildren were being diagnosed. Discovering and the beginning to uncover our real selves after years of hiding, masking, defending our selves will unquestionably take the rest of our lives. We are rediscovering each other and ourselves through many painful memories together and individually. This is easily the most difficult and adventurous process of my life. Undiscovered gems of each other keep popping up as we precess the pain and suffering of most of a lifetime living in “ignorance”. Listening to Purple Ella and Mr. Purple is like a key that unlocks our past, opening the door to self discovery and knowledge. That always leads to more understanding, compassion, and love. I cherish these videos because of that. Thank you Purples for the intimate love you share freely with us.

Unmasking is so hard... I can't with my spouse either. Decades of training myself to not be myself is hard to evade

You and Mr. Purple are just so sweet. I can see that he really wants to get to know the truest version of you. Thanks for making this video, this is very important content, and hits home for me in a lot of ways, as someone who is just beginning their journey of self-identification as AuDHD, (ADHD formal diagnosis and seeking autism diagnosis) and trying to get to know who I actually am, as I'm in my forties like you, and have been masking so long that I don't even know the real me and also have a lot of internalised ableism. Side note; I LOVE the profile pic, shaved head looks amazing on you!!!

I really struggle with masking as I'm 39 and was diagnosed aprox 2yrs ago with ASD and ADHD. I feel like it will be a huge task ahead to unmask as I am so hypervigilant most of the time. I feel so much guilt all the time and also forget to communicate what is wrong as I am not in sync with how I feel etc. Thank you both for this discussion, it was very interesting. Thanks x

This conversation made me realise how lucky I am with my partner... I just recently self diagnosed myself (working up the courage to get an official diagnosis), but I have always felt coming home to my partner as coming home to a safe place.. now I realise that I can unmask with him and be myself and him absolutely loving me for who I am unmasked...

WIll you please make a video about menopause? I"m 42 and terrified and don't know what to expect. I don't have my mother anymore to tell me what to expect and she never educated me well in the first place and I don't know any other ladies my age to ask