a lil chat about how life is going

You should not see the benefits you receive as "free money" - you get them because you need them.

I reckon if you do art, you ARE an artist. ✌️💕🎨

OTHER WOMEN, by Lisa Alther and the Heart is a lonely hunter by Carson McCullers, or anything by Aldous Huxley

You figured it out. Family is a unit that supports and protects. Wanting it from a unit incapable of that triggers depression and low self esteem. Realizing the unit is broken allows you to reassess what the family you want looks like. Then you can make steps to find people who can fill those needs positively because they also treasure the same things. It takes time and is totally worth it. Prayers that you will continue on with this journey.

Don't worry too much about the books. I'm 32 and read children's, YA, and adults. Just read whatever sounds good. 😊

please do that video! I've had similar experiences with reading- there wasn't a transition that was clear between 'childrens novels' and 'agatha christies' etc so I couldn't branch out. What was in the house was what was 'available' so there wasn't a sense of new material outside of that space and I wasn't aware not of how to access the books externally to my house, but any relational interest that was a bridge between me to them.

I'll try to comment without lapsing into a shameless trauma dump. Don't feel bad about receiving support. If it helps you and reinforces your place in the world, that's a good outcome. Your already touching many lives and that alone is priceless. If I thought I could have an autistic therapist, let alone a proper diagnosis, it might be transformative. Life is Samsara, endless struggles it seems. What I've come to appreciate is that it ebbs and flows, and somehow we manage not to drown. If we can extract a bit of wisdom and compassion through negotiating our challenges, then it wasn't all for nothing, right? Anyway, thanks for sharing so generously of yourself. It helps. Edit: amended archaic phrasing, lol

I’m really sorry you have had to protect yourself from your family to avoid further pain from them. Whatever they did if it feels right then you did the best thing. I imagine it’s always going to be a source of sadness but as you said you can build your own family with supportive people who still love you. I don’t think benefits are free money and I suspect that you wouldn’t judge another person who claimed them. I hope that you’re able to work in future but that’s purely because benefits are pretty hard work given they’re supposed to be supporting the sick and disabled and they’re enough to exist on but they’re not generous especially given the current price of food and energy. I’m glad you found a therapist you can afford and who is autistic. I see my therapist through whats app video since covid struck and it works well for us. I hope she has you feeling better although I know it’s hard work to go through painful things. I have found therapy much harder work than I ever thought I would find it but it’s also given me tools to help myself with my anxiety and depression. I’m taking baby steps towards no longer needing therapy but I am getting there. It sounds like you’re dealing with a huge amount and I am not surprised that you are anxious but it sounds like you are a very strong person and you’re going to be Ok. It’s not necessarily going to feel like that every day but you have stayed strong through these terrible months. I wish I could hug you and promise it’s all going to be Ok, I will have to settle for telling you that I genuinely care about you and will be hoping for the best for you. I am glad you’re getting better doctors and that you enjoyed pride they both sound like big steps forward. Thank you for sharing your video with us, I hope the rest of the year is a lot better than the previous months have been.

I spent time listening to audiobooks during a period of burnout. You may enjoy the Sabriel series by Garth Nix. Naiomi Novik's Uprooted is also quite good. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Life does not seem that linear, at least to me. The past constantly intrudes on the imminent present and frames possible/probable futures, but all are experienced at the same time in my mind, creating the anxiety I feel as I assess the present moment and getting - often - lost in the possibilities and scripts for dealing with them in the imminent future. At which point the masking that I usually maintain fails and one has to face the difference of experience between myself and the NT majority - and ask those questions that eventually lead us to sites such as yours. As always, thank you for the thought provoking's. Sorry to hear your troubles, but happy to hear that your therapist seems to understand and fit with you; I hope to find the same for myself soon: I think it is needful for many of us (but can only really comment on my own experience/need in this matter). On the reading side, I love sci-fi, and so suggest Joan Slonczewski's "A Door into Ocean" - always a favourite read that I dip into again and again to remind me and ground me in better expectations for our human condition. The future does not have to be so bleak. 😊

I appreciate the update even if it is a bit heavy and stuff. I found your channel just recently and I've been watching a good bunch of videos. I appreciate what you said about the funeral as someone who has struggled with similar feelings recently after the passing of an uncle. Anyways thanks for the video, I enjoyed it because I found it relatable and that's helpful in my life. Cheers.

❤️

Man definitely a lot going on ❤️.

I'm sorry you had to go through so much. Recently I've been struggling with writing things down, but I guess it wouldn't be a bad idea. This is probably gonna be a long one, no one will read it, but that's fine. I don't even know where to start. Maybe in the present. Right now I feel incredibly lonely, sad and lost. Let's start with the lonely. I don't even know why I'm getting so incredibly lonely the last few months. I've always been alone. I have never had a mutual close relationship in my life. Never been told that I am loved or even liked by anyone, including my parents. About my parents: basically I'm just a big disappointment and all they ever want(ed) is for me to "just be normal". Which I never was or ever will be. They abused me, mentally and physically. They never gave me any support, opportunities or anything I needed/wanted to get a somewhat fair chance in this life. Instead I just feel like they broke me and threw me out on the streets. And I know I will never get that life I could have had, the opportunities I missed and the life I want because of that. E.g. I was talented/had a special interest in music, but that was always strongly discouraged, so there never came anything of it. I also never had a mutual close relationship with anyone else, it was always one sided, and still is. Honestly, maybe people only talk/meet up with me out of pity. This year someone that meant a lot to me for many years just stopped replying. Like. How can you even do that? Was this whole relationship just some kind of elaborate joke? Besides that I only have two other people I can talk to. But they both are very busy, I'm no priority in their life, never will be. I'm "smart" in some areas, so people at uni write me to ask for help or whatever, just like it was at school, but no one ever wants a relationship with me. To be fair, I also don't like most people and wouldn't want a close relationship with them, but still. I just feel completely isolated. Besides that I also have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I'm at uni because I simply cannot work, it would kill me. This way I still get some governemnt funding and don't have to do a 40 h work week (I couldn't even do 20) at some stupid job, that's about it. But being at uni takes all my energy and I have none left for doing things I enjoy. A big reason for that is also the stupid feature of my brain that I can only do one thing per day. So if I do something for uni, that's all I can do that day. I literally cannot switch tasks. I have tried so many tactics, but they simply do not help, my brain just get's stuck. So I'm stuck doing things I don't enjoy all the time (because I'm also not very productive and also have to try to organize things/stretch them out in order to be able to do one thing after the other to not have to switch tasks) and it's slowly killing me. But I don't even know what I would want to do. At this point I feel like I don't have any interests anymore. I've lost my passion for music. Reading. Physics. Painting. Adult life for me is just a constant struggle/race, one day after the other. So many things to do, I can't keep up. I don't want this anymore, but there is no way out. I don't have any family that could support me financially. I'm sure I'm.not sick/disabled enough for government aid. So I'm stuck in this vicious cycle. But mostly I just feel so lonely recently. My biggest wish always was to have a family. I used to dream of getting adopted by nice people. But I've come to realize that's not how the world works. You just get thrown into it, some are dealt worse cards than others, and you just have to find your way or perish. No one will actually help you. All they do is tell you to "talk to a therapist". Thanks. I don't need a therapist. I need a family, friends and money. But yes, put me in a psych ward, so that you don't feel responsible or have to acknowledge that sometimes life is just awful. If I am the problem there's no one who's responsible. Awesome. Fuck. You. Sorry. I'm just so mad. At the world. But of course that's just sadness/grief. I'm too tired now to write more. That's also a feature of mine. Having little energy. Has always been that way, even as a toddler/child I was apparently always sleeping and lying around. Oh well. But of course that's only because I'm lazy.

Hey I'm sorry your having a bad year. You have had a lot to deal with. I haven't got much to say as having a bad day and flat mood in general. It sucks but hoping it's a little better when I wake up tomorrow! Fingers crossed. It always feels to me like it will never go away but maybe that's the ADHD being impatient! Take care and thanks for sharing x