Fearful-Avoidants: Breaking The Cycle Of On-Again Off-Again Relationships

After watching this, I feel seen for the first time in my life. I also feel so deeply sad for our parents and other generations who didn't get any sort of insight into these sorts of issues and just had to live and deal with them the best way possible without even being able to identify what these issues were.

The toll it takes on the partner of a fearful avoidant is also devastating! To have our emotions yo-yoed around like this creates trauma for us too! The on again off again is exhausting and we are always hoping when they come back that it will work “this time”

Heidi: Don't try to be friends with your exs! Me: Ok, but what if they broke up with you and you don't understand why and they're the only ones who can answer the questions you have so you can resolve and heal your preoccupied trauma? Later in the video: Heidi: Avoid the belief that the person that hurt you is the only person who can help you heal. Me: GOD DAMN IT!

11:07 It's sooooooo true!!!! It explains so much! We weren't allowed boundaries as children, so now we think the only way to get boundaries is to completely escape the whole relationship!

I helped my partner overcome these issues by painting a stable background where she was free to enter or leave whenever she wished and there would be no rejection. Because of this she began responding to therapy, where she found the means to shift her attachment style.

"Until you like yourself enough to accept that you're a human being who needs care, support, comfort..." I have never heard the more precise description of what's going on with me and what changes I'm going through.

Being a fearful avoidant is rough, such messed-up childhoods. I feel like there needs to be C-PTSD support groups like they have for AA etc. I see, hear and validate you all, my comrades in trauma. 💜

I don’t think I care if you see this comment or not, but I seriously and wholeheartedly think that this video is saving my life, my sanity, my personhood. Thank you. I have never felt more seen in my entire life. You may be saving the only positive relationship I have experienced thus far, and I am crying but in a good way. Thank you.

Thank you. I ended a relationship with a girl who behaved this way. Hardest thing I ever did, her compartmentalising is painful to watch. To see someone choose to be absent, to feel like you don’t care and they have this super power where they can leave with no issues. Was all to much for me to bear anymore. Be kind to people everyone.

It's so true that all you get told when you go to someone outside of the rship for support, that you just get told "Dump him" "You're worth more than that" and he is slagged off to high-heaven, when half of the issue is with me. It just makes me completely withdraw, and internalise all of my pain and difficulties. Then I tie myself in knots trying to decipher what the actual truth is of what is going on, rather than what my anxiety is saying it is 😢

When you mentioned 'friendships where you bring your full authentic self,' it made me realize that however amazing my current friendships are, I don't see them as deep or intimate or as vulnerable as the romantic relationships I've had, because my 'full authentic self' sometimes included sobbing naked in someone's arms over past trauma (of course I would never do with a friend 😂), or showing anger at a partner (I never show anger at friends), or calling and unloading with no filter all my anxieties about work, school etc (I am really careful about dumping on friends and ask first, etc). I need to do a lot of thinking about this... I tend to be my 'full authentic self' only deep into a romantic relationship and sometimes that self is messy and unregulated and honestly probably hard to take care of....but I assume they won't leave and will nurture those sides of me (wrap me up in a burrito blanket lol) because they've committed and love me.... Whereas with friends, I try really hard not to be a burden because I assume they'll back away if I'm too much or hard to care for or dump negativity. So my friendships tend to be positive and steady and has lasted decades whereas my romantic relationships haven't gone more than a year or two. This is making me wonder, do I need to treat my boyfriends with more of the careful respectful distance I treat friends? Or practice sobbing in front of a friend and sharing deeper things or going to them for comfort on a bad day? .....maybe it's a combo. I def allow myself to get to very vulnerable, very deep states with partners and then ask for a lot of soothing there. But if I was on the opposite end of this role, I would find it exhausting. Hmm lots to think about. I feel shame about this topic and vulnerable even sharing this...but thanks for creating a space to share and to anyone reading this for listening!

I really feel so sad for fearful avoidant people, it must be so terrible to live like that, but it's also just as tough being on the receiving end, always getting your heart broken by the same person, and never really know why, and I'm someone who will take that person back over and over again in hopes that, maybe this time... I myself have an anxious attachment style, so I stay attached for so long. I wish it was easy for all of us who struggle with insecure attachments to heal our childhood "trauma" but it's so difficult and at times feels completely impossible, no matter how many articles you read or videos you watch. It's really so sad. And not everyone can afford therapy.

On top of all that, I feel that because we aren’t able to set boundaries and speak on our feelings is because we don’t want to add on to our trauma. So we continue to be fearful avoidant. It’s so hard to ask for what I need in relationships because it’s like I’m allowing the relationship to go wrong so I have a legitimate reason to go back into hermit mode and not really have to deal with things.

I was in a relationship with a person like this. One heck of a painful rollercoaster. I cared a lot for the person, but eventually had to just walk away.

Laying in my bed crying right now. Your videos have cured my lifelong confusion, shame and fear in the few months I’ve been watching you. It hurts so much unpacking this trauma but you make it so much easier to deal with. You are an ANGEL!! Thank you!

My ex was fearful avoidant, but its like he was able to vomit feelings to his friends and family but NOT his lover. The relationship was conflict free but mostly because he was avoiding telling me his needs.

I feel like I was turned into a fearful avoidant by a series of bad relationships as a teenager/young adult. I used to be solid as a rock in relationships, but slowly transitioned into the on again off again pattern. And now I can't even get to the point of being on anymore. I love the flirting, early stages. But as soon as my feelings are reciprocated in a way that seems very real, I do a 180 seemingly against my will. And the argument can't even be made that I'm just interested in sex, because I don't even get that far. Sometimes I don't even make it to a first kiss....

This is the best summary of a fearful-avoidant. I’ve struggled relating with many videos describing this attachment style. Heidi, you hit the nail on the head… I tend to favor my autonomy/single hood more than you described, but I do wish to find connection, without enmeshment or being controlled. Finding someone I can trust with being vulnerable is scary because it simultaneously feels so good and so dangerous.

Did no contact for pretty much the first time with my last break up. It was fucking horrendously painful and I longed for him and missed him so much, then...started to read about attachment trauma, codependence, enmeshment etc..and watched a ton of stuff on YouTube (so thankful for such amazing stuff to watch) and realised how traumatised I was and the patterns of my relating. SO painful to process all this and grieve. Fast forward 6 months and I now have no idea what I saw in him! He was totally emotionally unavailable (as was/ am I by having largely unhealed cptsd) and actually pretty mean to me. I'm FA leaning anxious and he was the most DA person I've ever met. Terrible combination. Committed to myself now and learning to relate in healthy ways. No more crumbs from myself or others!

I was looking for content regarding this topic because I’m in a push and pull situationship with someone, and I wanted to learn something about them. It turned out it was me all the time :( I would’ve never guessed this. I honestly feel rejected often, even though I’m not being clearly rejected by anyone, but my extreme fear of rejection and abandonment makes me want to avoid the contact with the other person. I now want to apologize to every ex I have 😢