Fearful-Avoidant: The Blindspot That Keeps You Repeating The Same Relationship Mistakes

Wow..."the end goal of healing fearful-avoidant attachment is learning to be the same person everywhere you go." I'm a therapist and that blew my mind.

Hmmm, really interesting. I feel like I have huge issues in both directions of this spectrum, because I tend to come off as BOTH intellectual/analytical/hyper-independent AND overly giving/selfless/doormat-ish in my daily life. The thought of coming off as either needy OR selfish makes me break out in hives. I'm sure I must not be the only fearful avoidant who experiences this sort of paradoxical identity simultaneously.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath

Heidi, I hope you're reading this. I've spent two decades wondering what was wrong with me. I've already spent years learning all about self help and meditation, etc. But it was your channel which finally gave me my answers. Within only about 4 months now I've managed to finally open up to people and proudly present myself as the helpless, vulnerable mess that I am. And not a single person of the 1-2 dozen people I talked to did not show support and understanding. You've finally made me able to see the world as a kind place. I even managed to make up with my family and get an understanding from them that I never thought was possible. Thank you so much for everything

I think in my relationship (romantic) I come off more avoidant but in my head I am incredibly anxious. In confrontation I feel like both sides are battling eachother and in turn I become SILENT. My brain is doing a million things and nothing at the same time. It takes me forever to create and say a thought and I always end up getting emotional, something i really hate. In friendships, I am very avoidant and emotionally detached. I care and want to be there for them but never give them the opportunity to do the same for me. In turn I dont have the deep connections with my friends that I desire and have very very few friends. This has been a lifelong struggle and i have always felt like a walking contradiction and recently it has really taken a toll on my self image and mental health. Thank you thank you THANK YOU for breaking this down for me and giving me hope that I can break this cycle for myself

Wow your ability to articulate this human experience is insane

The fact that this is a longer video than the other 2 attachment styles 😆, what fun it is to be a fearful avoidant 🤪🤪

Holy shit. I’m realizing I lean avoidant, but am triggered into that heightened state when in a relationship. I never understood the drastic flip in my behavior when I got into a relationship. I stayed single because I hated the way I was when I would date. I was “never myself”

I don’t even know. I feel anxious, but act avoidant. It’s so hard to take the mask off. The anxiety while being in a relationship is always growing til it bursts into major drama and extreme pain. Speaking openly about emotions feels so frightening, but I’m trying. Thanks for your content! It helps a lot 🫶

You are so good at explaining attachment styles, in a non judgmental way.

I am so shocked at how detailed you are about the thought process. This entire time I thought I was anxious but it did not sit well with me because I can be cold and avoidant at times too. It's like you said... the moment my anxious side gets triggered, I am hyper aware of how embarrassing it is and how it makes me feel, that I am losing myself. I also avoid confrontation because I feel personally attacked and I will shut down and avoid you for weeks yet I desperately want to talk. I feel trapped in my mind because I am super aware of myself and don't want to come off being toxic. It's like I want to talk about feelings and emotions but I also don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. What is wrong with me?😭 Also, i have a tendency of asking my partner if I'm being too needy or clingy, just to check if I'm still good. Gotta supress that lil psycho😂

My biggest concern is that i can't really stop romanticizing dysfunction. as stupid as it may sound but i often feel kinda "unique" being this way. it's almost like finding my identity in this chaos. Also it helps me being more creative. I only feel like creating art and appreciate art when i am struggling. but i can't deny the fact that this constant push-and-pull, paranoia, overthinking is hella draining. It requires a lot of bravery to let go of all of this.

This is so me to a tee. I pride myself on being super rational outside of relationships and a huge fear of people seeing me as unstable. The moment I get into a romantic relationships I become super anxious and reactive and go into a shame spiral of there is something wrong with me. It is super dysregulating and confusing. I always thought of myself as more anxious but after hearing this video I realize I am actually more avoidant in life but my anxious side becomes activated in relationships. So insightful thank you❤❤

you called me out on feeling like i "lost myself." my anxious side coming out screaming was an utterly humiliating and defeating experience for me. since then, i feel like i'm a guilty dog sulking away with my tail between my legs, confused about who i am lol. "learning to be the same person everywhere you go" is such a solid goal. you made my current drama make so much sense to me in just 29 minutes. also, loved the rule about having five friends you have emotional connections with, it's a great idea.

I used to congratulate myself on being a chameleon. Took me to about 45 to realise, hang on, that's not a good thing. I'm 52 now. I have made a lot of progress in the last 5 years, it's easy for me to be a consistent version of myself no matter who I'm with now, although, other people can 'welcome' a side of you and you relax into it, but I feel it's always authentic now. I am so in awe of younger people who figure all of this stuff out in their 20s and 30s.

I read this line from somewhere and I think it perfectly sums up the dichotomoy of my experience as an avoidant-leaning FA. Something along the lines of "One of our greatest fears, but is also our deepest desire, is to be seen and known for who we truly are"

I feel caught red-handed, called-out, persecuted in a nice way and that how much 3,5 years of therapy helped.

This will probably get lost in all the other comments but I just want to thank you for making this video. I've never felt so seen and had so many of my own personal patterns laid out so succinctly. So many lines jumped out at me and I found myself shaking my head at how specific and correct they were. Losing myself in relationships, the switch flipping and swinging from one extreme to the other, feeling shame about one side or the other, feeling that my partners might describe me differently than my friends...so many moments in here that touched me deeply. You've helped me understand the importance of intentionally maintaining both sides, logical and emotional, as a daily practice in order to have a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me, with openness and vulnerability, and without shame.

The term "Secure" attachment for me sound like they're perfect, they can do no harm. Knowing that securely attached people have imperfections makes me feel good about myself.

Wow. You have just described every relationship I’ve ever had. Especially thinking others aren’t right for me because they’ve triggered certain parts of me I don’t see as ‘me’.