AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT: DEACTIVATION AND AUTONOMY. | DR. KIM SAGE

My parents recorded me as a toddler when I was crying, laughing at me and telling me they were going to show everyone the video at my 21st birthday so we could all see how ridiculous I was. I grew up unable to show emotion and now that I have a loving husband, I'm slowly healing. He can tell if I'm upset and he offers me hugs, and I can't understand how a hug could help, but lately I've been choosing to accept the hugs more, and while I don't understand it, I'll start crying in his arms.

My husband used to be like this, until I talked to a therapy (I’m anxious avoidant, he’s avoidant) and learned more about attachment theories from the Internet that we started talking about our feelings and emotions. They were baby steps, but we went through them all! We’re much much better now. We’ve accepted each other’s vulnarabilities and we’re more connected to our daughter. Back then we both were busy dealing with our own chaotic emotions that we left our daughter alone. My parents and his mother had big contributions to why we were triggered all the times with their demands. Now we’re stronger and braver to give boundaries and protect our family.

It makes me so sad when i think about the good relationships I ruined due to my avoidance. The last thing I wanted was to be abandoned and this was exactly what I created. This in turn reinforced my belief that I need to protectmyslf emotionally by withdrawing. Vicious cycle.

I finally understand the workings of my ex's repeated avoidant attachment behavior. When we got too close or intimate a real visceral reaction of fear and revulsion occurred, and he gradually withdrew or ran. He was turned off towards me. It happened one too many times, and I broke up with him for good. What he never realized was the profound hurt and betrayal he created. It translates as cruelty.

A high school teacher told me that the thing to look for in a life partner or a close friend is to see if that person has the ability to form close relationships men, women and children of all ages and backgrounds. Looking back, that was spot on. My spouse and closest friends have that ability. The relationships that did not work out were all with people who lacked that ability. I wish I had truly understood that advice earlier in life, but I think it’s worth passing on. It’s stood the test of time in my life.

I stopped talking to literally everyone that I could.

I loved a woman with fearful avoidant attachment. These dynamics played out exactly as described in this video. It was devastating. It broke my heart in ways I can’t explain. Thankfully I start trauma therapy tomorrow

This is so me. My dream is to have large property with no neighbors that I am actively working towards. I feel like I am unable to interact with others, as my anxiety and hyper vigilance overwhelm my ability to have connections and leave me isolating. It’s exhausting. I’ve cut all ties with family and it is true freedom.

Everything about me. I'm so tired of having been running away from relationship commitment all my life. I almost lost my marriage. Always unhappy and focused on husband's imperfections. Still having been fighting with myself to keep things normal around and dreaming of getting away.

Especially in that a parent wasn’t there when the child went through sexual trauma or a parent was absent and the other was lost in the younger or even teen years..

So very real. I'm a partner/wife of an avoidant. It becomes a very lonely world. What once was a happy, confident, know no stranger person, I went through anger/stroke because I didn't understand. I understand now, but living this solo life is difficult. He is certain he is fine & doesn't need to change. It's a tragic situation. 😢

My strategy is to work to become more secure with some family members and my friends, while completely rejecting any possible romantic attachments. That seems to keep me connected enough but not feeling as if my life is being hijacked and swamped by others. Long experience has shown I’m happier this way.

I’m a secure/anxious person and attracted an avoidant at the beginning of 2021….. that was him to a T 😂 every part you described from “Attached”. I would always try to say “you’re avoidant” and he would gaslight me and say “I’m NOT, I’m secure!!!” And I cried and cried. I finally mustered up my inner voice, and my intuition led me to break up with him a year later. Such a good lesson, never again

If i cried, my Mum would say "if you dont stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" which meant a beating

I had a mom who was a narcissist and borderline I then got into a relationship with a guy who was sweet but avoidant he broke my heart dumped me one day and then tried to come back like nothing happened and didn't understand how damaging that was to me we broke up sense then but now I'm in a place of healing and I truly don't want to be bothered with anybody anymore I have so much peace now that I'm terrified of having my peace tooken away from me because every time I had so called family or friends around me they brought so much drama chaos and hurt in my life I have complex PTSD and other issues I hide it well at work but once I go home I just want to turn off and stay off it's hard for me to connect to people because I have no interest and only like animals nature and spirituality

the tragedy of this is not having a good model at all. or rather, I'm at the stage where I'm aware of the general root of my trauma and how I play it out, but in reality so often even being around 'healthy' people feels so wrong, suffocating, and so threatening.

I wish I had found this sooner and I could’ve fixed my relationship

This was very a comprehensive video about avoidants. Thank you! I'd like to add that being single by choice is an acceptable choice, but staying connected with one's family, religious group, community, and friends adds lots of quality to life while doing so.

Not all Anxious/DA relationships are toxic but often just dysfunctional due to not knowing why you do what you do and their can be a willingness to work through your and your partner’s Attachment issues

I was "diagnosed" as avoidant about 15 years ago, but my therapists didn't give me any tools or techniques to deal with it. Whenever I liked a person and started dating, I wanted to run away. In 2016 I began a relationship with a young man and he clearly had an anxious attachment and made me feel completely suffocated, even when he began to complain about my supposed lack of love, interest, commitment, etc. He believed that I didn't love him and I cheated on him... I feel like I was never able to reciprocate his love and his dedication... we broke up formally but we maintained a long-distance relationship with which I felt quite comfortable but he didn't. (I'm 40, single mother)