How to Love Yourself Into Healing, But Not Become a Narcissist (Compilation)

1. I will treat myself with dignity and I will demand respect from others. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me. 2. I will set clear boundaries, and make known to others, what I regard as permissible and acceptable behaviour and what is out of bounds. 3. I will not tolerate or abuse or aggression in any form or guise. I will seek to terminate such misconduct instantly and unequivocally. 4. I will be assertive and and unambiguous about me needs about my wishes, and expectations from others. I will not be arrogant I will be confident and firm . I will not be selfish or narcissistic. I will love myself and I will take care of myself. I will not compromise myself. 5. I will get to know myself a lot better and all the time. 6. I will treat other people as I want them to treat me. I will try to lead by way of safe self example. I will not be naive. I will be vigilant and I will maintain my well-being. 7. If I'm habitually disrespected, abused, or if my boundaries are ignored or breached. I will terminate the relationship with the abuser forthwith. Zero tolerance and no second chances, will be my maxims of self-preservation. Sam's Rules/Resolutions.

What if at age 51 you realized you exist for the first time ever? I sat journaling, isolating and digging in myself after experiencing a relationship that nearly actually and literally killed me, mind, body and soul, to understand what has happened? How did I get here? What is here? Who am I? Who was he? How can I move forward and be sure to not let this happen again? All that was left was a hollow shell of me. I had no more fucks to give. Completely drained and sucked dry. All I knew was that my choices in life have taken me here. How the hell did I go so wrong because I've never been mistreated I've had the perfect childhood?! I've never journaled in all my life nor ever asked myself questions about myself. After doing so for a couple of months I Suddenly saw myself as an individual and it scared the living hell out of me!!……… It was one second to the next second in a shift to being suddenly conscious!!…What have I done to myself and my life?!? What have I done to others?!? A tsunami of guilt and shame came over me and this time without any protection at all. Nowhere to hide. No boat. No life raft. Nothing. No shelter. It was like thousand cuts all at once. I saw only one solution and that was to off myself because I already had nothing more to give. I've made so many mistakes and don't function properly and I don't know how to function other than I have and I don't have the skills to repair or function otherwise and the guilt and shame felt unbearable. So I went to find a solution how to off myself without it having a negative impact on my parents or my children. I went googling to see how it impacts children and parents before I did anything so I wouldn't cause anyone any harm and it was devastating to see. So I came to the conclusion that I can't do that I have to find a way through this and become a person that I can live with and for them to be proud of because I will not knowingly subject my beloved ones with unnecessary excruciating trauma and guilt that is not theirs to bear. Now that I've watched Sams's videos I've realized that I've been a codependent. I didn't get to individualize as a child. I've lived my life through others. I haven't had boundaries. I haven't known what is me and what is others. I have let myself be absorbed by my partner and been highly attuned to their emotions and needs and acting accordingly to keep the peace to not create a disturbance or conflict. I have suppressed my own emotions and needs to problem-solve and to keep the peace. I understand now that by doing this I've been fake and manipulating because I have not been myself. So I have lived in a fantasy. I've had no self/ego or a very weak sense of self. I've only been in relationships where the partner is unavailable and I've realized that I am unavailable too. I've always been in a “relationship” all my life. For the first time I've decided to live alone and in celibacy at age 51. Done that for 2 years now. Working on myself. I have trouble finding motivation to do anything. Even things that used to I love. I'm just existing in a dissociating trans. I have no one to clean the home for. No one who expects dinner or food. No one who needs help with regulating their emotions. I don't have to be available to sex. I don't have anyone's schedule to adapt my life after. I don't have a pet to shower with love and attention who will wake me up when they need me or to give a walk etc. I am free but I'm completely lost and scared shitless. I didn't know that I was dependent for others to acknowledge my existence?!?! Others describe me as strong, independent and very brave.😂 So what is fantasy and what is real? I have realized that I am a separate being now at least ….. I've never been more afraid in my life. Did I manage to do the transformation of Separation, individuation in the adult life? Is that possible? I have taken conflicts and established boundaries for myself with the relationships I wish to nurture and keep and taken constructive criticism from them and honor them. I have ended relationships that have been self-destructive. The Reconstruction of my relationship with my mother and father has been a trip on its own and has taken its toll but the gain is that I don't live life through rose-colored glasses anymore and work on accepting of what is real instead. What I now know is that I don't have a safe mother or father. It was all conditional. So how can I find the primary narcissism, the healthy narcissism to be brave and explore the world to my fullest? Where can I find my self-space to run back to when I get scared as an adult? Shall I and must I find that place within myself as an adult or shall I search for an external reliable source of safety who can mirror my idealized version of me?..No those doesn't exist… and my mother is not an option. Can an adult person be this person for themselves? I can't even look in the mirror and see my reflection… According to others they seem to like the way I look but I don't care. I've never liked mirrors. I don't see their importance. My bf looked at himself in the mirror all the time to search for flaws and spoke them out verbally shaming himself but I didn't see any of the flaws he spoke about. I loved him fully as he was. He was perfect to me. I still can't look at me in a mirror. I don't understand how people do it. I admirer people who can look in the mirror, se an authentic view of themselves and just go for it and love the view of themselves. No matter size, beautiful according to society or not. It is admirable and impressive because I don't know how they do that. Wow! I wish I could do that too. There must be many of us who didn't get to separate and individuate as children. Maybe most of us? If you look at a bigger perspective and how the world functions. We self-destruct and destroy the very planet our survival depends on. So they say narcissists can't be cured but the other side of the coin is codependent with the same core/childhood wounds, undeveloped human beings. They stay and function as a toddler, parantified child etc. If they don't wake up and change their behavior? So I wonder Sam, is your conclusion that neither codependent nor narcissist can't change? Because if narcissists can't change the correlation between the two mean that the codependent can't either? There are so many questions and I don't know what to do but maybe you have the answers. We know very little of all the complex beings on earth, ourselves and universe. According to history we have left the stone age but I think if Earth and humans still exist 200 years from now they will consider us extremely primitive, self-destructive and lost in our brain controlling us with its mostly destructive, compulsive and repetition patterns instead of us being consciously in control and mostly doing what is good for all life to thrive.

Happiness comes naturally from the inside. Never seek happiness outside. The only thing you can get outside is gratification. Do not confuse gratification with happiness. They have nothing to do with each other. You could be the most gratified person on earth and not be happy. And you could be the happiest person on earth, living in a barrel Diogenes. Happiness is slow, steady, safe unfolding and becoming, not ephemeral pyrotechnics or fireworks. It doesn't just happen. It never depends on anything external. It can not be bought. It can not be sold. Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of affairs. So there's nothing you can do to your external environment that would affect your happiness. Happiness is self love and self acceptance without grandiosity, selfishness and narcissism. Happiness flowers in the least expected moments, brings to life the moory land and refreshes the stale. Happiness is being in lovingness at once. Nothing is more sad and lonely than casual sex in order to feel less sad and lonely. Nothing is more sad and lonely than gratifying yourself in a variety of harmful ways. So don''t. Nothing is more deceitful than brutal honesty, it pretends to offer empathy and succor, but it's mere camouflaged sadism. Nothing is more vainglorious than false modesty and pseudo humility. Nothing is more hateful than the ineluctable spiral of love. Nothing is more wrong than being right all the time. Nothing is faster than life. Nothing is slower than dying. Nothing is more attractive than the self sufficient. Nothing is more repellant than the clingy and needy. Nothing is more corrupt than conformity. Nothing is more noble than being oneself. Nothing is more dignifying than honoring other people. Nothing is more hopeful than what we already have. Nothing is more blind than merely observing. Nothing is more deaf than merely hearing but not listening. Nothing is more present than the past. Nothing is less certain than the future. No gift is greater than a smile. No harm is more deleterious than rejection. No risk is grander and no reward more substantial than to live life to its fullest or neither crave in the foolish stole death, or suffering, or scepticism as some form of bravery, or wisdom, or growth, or development. It is not. Life is about shunning, supressing, fighting, eliminating and erradicating suffering. Reality is in one mind alone and what is out there is solely what we make of it. ~Sam Vaknin

The first 24 minutes is the most eloquent life advice I’ve ever heard.

This is exactly what I'm doing. No longer entertaining shared fantasy. Only dealing with all others in reality only.

This video just healed me. 😭😭😭😭 I'm crying, I'm 4 months pregnant, Narc left us, baby and me, we're seeking for child support thru a lawsuit and it's a hard process in this country (Mexico) Emotionally, it's been hard but easier living without him. I always wake up to your videos with tea and brekkie. You just gave my heart a hug with your words😭😭😭 THANK YOU🙌🏼 🫶🏼

Codependency has all the behavioural traits that sabotage one's life and relationship with the Self. 😢 Fortunately, I have healed from this disorder, Professor Vaknin, my therapist and self-help books enabled me to understand my past and overcome this disorder. 😊. It took me 20 years to heal but will always work towards Self Realisation. Professor Vaknin is right, in order to heal one must Surrender and accept one's present reality and not to control it. Let the path appear and show thr way to heal. Yes, he's right, not to fight the process and ask the correct questions. Be humble and open minded and reality guide you.

That poem was heart wrenching.

Amazing speech!!!

Thank you for your work, I'm 4 years after relationship with narcissist. My father is narcisisst too. Your videos helped me a lot❤

You are so right about micro relationships and pseudo friendships.

Did you know when I watch you I see why I'm attracted to the one who radiates pain ? I see you're efforts to remain on this side . You're work is spiritual for me because I feel what you don't say. I have an extreme urge to tell my story and yet I don't know if I can in one lifetime .

This one really touched me, and helped me, Prof. Vaknin. Can hardly say how grateful I am. 🙏

Professor Professor Professor I want to tell you how you have played a role in this beautiful ride of mine so I will honor you by sharing your enriching , enlightening and whole hearted insight . I am clean and sober as well as no contact. I am however loving with my narcissistic mother . I am seeing her fade away and it is pathetic and soul wrenching . I am seeing her as the sad existence she has become . One sister is homeless and using, one is dead and here I AM .

OMG - Prof Sam - you have truely outdone yourself this time - the first 24 minutes of this video is exceptional - you are absolutely brilliant as well as handsome 👍🏼

Yes, it's sad these days that people call hookups "dating" because that is not exactly dating.

I like how you've touched on killing the core part of yourself so you can't enjoy what you've wished for. It kind of reminds me of having children. I love them but I love having a few hours to myself at night, it gives me time to miss them and when I miss them it makes me more grateful for them and gives me time to enjoy them

You have helped me more than I could ever return with this video

The best of that I have heard and seen you

It's actually really helpful to hear that the worst things that happen to us can teach us the best lessons in life ❤