HOW TO HEAL ENMESHMENT | DR. KIM SAGE

Here’s another causation for enmeshment that often isn’t recognized, poverty. Poverty was the causation for me. 🙏🏾

"You've been wired to hold all of the guilt." Thank you for understanding us and helping us to heal!

Now I'm an adult I'm STILL being told I'm not one in certain cases. The guilt, shame and confusion is indescribable. Boundaries I understand, in practice feel painful. How to get through it: it's parentification as a child and infantilisation as an adult. It explains a lot of why I boomerang between own space and childhood home.

Oh my gosh. The part about the obligatory phone call to the parents describe something I have dealt with for years. It’s just awful. Especially because all my narcissistic mother does is complain and try to get me to come down in her hole and wallow with her. It is so exhausting. I’ve finally gotten away from that. And of course she is so angry when I don’t call her.

Thanks Dr. Sage. Everyone in my family was "allowed" to have their own boundaries that HAD to be upheld...I just wasn't "allowed". As each person was in it for themselves and I had to placate each person, this set me up for utterly ignoring my own needs and worrying about everyone else. Any show of confidence by myself was interpreted as an affront. Of course as everyone disliked each other, then whenever I placated one person, at least one other person had a major issue with that. I became a doormat who was responsible for every person's in the world happiness. 🤦 Thankfully not anymore.

This person is being groomed to be a rescuer, a scapegoat, and a substitute parent. The real parent is immature and needy.

It's taken me YEARS to figure out what I'm dealing with and you did it in 25 minutes. Thank you. thank you. Thank you. I'm so glad I discovered your channel. I appreciate your soothing and pleasant voice; I hear kindness and compassion when I listen to you.

I used to spend hours per day talking with my mother on the phone, and I’ve come to realize that she used that to bribe me into taking care of my siblings for her, who migrated to another country. It got sour when one of my siblings had a baby and i was adamant that I’m not going to spend my young adult life doing this parenting of her children… and now grand children all over again. At age 30 now, I only call her like once every 2 weeks and I’ve put up more boundaries with her and her children. I love them but I can’t give up my life for them anymore. Thanks for your validating videos, Dr. Kim.

I'm done! I'm so glad! I don't care, I don't feel guilty, it's time to break from my mothers sickness. When my father died I didn't cry, when she dies I won't cry. I don't care, they both robbed me of my childhood. I was the parent, protector, therapist. Bye Mom!🙂

Allllll of this! 100% verbatim my life with my mom. I finally set and maintained the boundary, one of the hardest things I’ve done for two reasons: 1. Because of how intense her push back guilt trips were, I never felt more subjugated! 2. I had that child like anxiety that “oh man my mom is gonna be mad, I cannot disappoint her, I cannot have this boundary”. However, being pregnant for with my second child, and remembering how much I suffered due to the enmeshment during and after my 1st pregnancy has been my anchor to stay strong and enforce my de-enmeshment

Omg! Thank you! I feel validated and relieved. Every psychiatrist/ psychologist I’ve gone through I’ve used the word Enmeshment. Not one, not ONE has explained it to me like this. I’ve waisted tons of money, time, and thought I was crazy. Thank you so much!!!

Thank you Dr Sage🙏🏻The video is a great summary of Enmeshment and the enormous challenge to separate out from those relationships. I came from an enmeshed family system. Both my patents have passed away and it was not until this happened that I could really feel safe enough to see the full extent of my own trauma from the enmeshment. I am still working through all the growth phases. I find that coping with other people's reaction of displeasure to a boundary is the hardest. My reaction to their displeasure is so embodied. Like it is triggering that inner child who realised that if I don't please or merge, I will not survive. It is the inner child lost in the distant past but the Amygdala is firing and telling my body I am in danger right now. As you say, PolyVagal work and being mindful is helpful in the moment when you just want to protect and calm that inner child to feel safe again by following the old wiring of merging and pleasing. It takes time and patience and constant self compassion for this work of healing. Your videos are a great companion for this. Many thanks 🙏🏻

Thank you dr Sage🌸 This enmeshment can go on until one of two die. I knew of three women in their 50s, emotionally hijacked by their narcissistic/borderline mothers their entire life. They never had a chance to separate and individuate, have their own life, children. Those mothers create crazy making situations, and require all focus on tending to their needs. Sadly, once I knew what this grip was, I removed myself from their stories. Do not wish to be part of the triangulation game. Wish you well in all you do🍀 🌸💜🌟💎

Your videos are very hard for me to watch because they hit my heart. I almost disassociate while watching. But that tells me I need to stay the course. Thank you for posting your videos. After $$$$ and many years, you have hit the nail on the head that other therapists have not been able to express to me.

I was my mom's target as the middle of five kids. She made me her confidante, secrets you should never tell your daughter. I was responsible for her happiness, and after i divorced she tried to nail me down to an agreement not to remarry and that she could follow wherever I go. She managed to manipulate her way into my home and then wanted to buy a house together. She got pretty butt hurt when i said no, but she started getting the message it wasn't working anymore. Now I just cut her off if she starts in, but it doesn't happen often because she knows I will tell it like it is in front of others. If she ever wants to cut me off, cool. The other four don't want her either.

My mom never told me I'm not an adult. I was totally groomed to take care of her. My dad was a narcissist or definitely had narcissistic traits. I slept with them for many years. I was named after her mom, so I thought it made sense to her. I'm an excellent caregiver. I am super in-tuned with my environment. My mom passed away when I was 26. When I moved to LA, she asked me to come back to NY, because she needed me, because the other siblings were not taking proper care of her. I was devastated. I miss her sorely😢I do this now in my life. Constantly involved with narcissists and narcissistic people.

"Give yourself permission to say how you really feel." Appreciate this comment!

Thank you for once again, for validating and giving me language for what has been indescribable and dismissed experiences with profound, lifelong consequences. Thank you For tools, compassion and encouragement ❤

The Pandora Box has been opened and there is no way back.

Go full no contact. Admit verbally that you wish they were [redacted]. Begin to individuate and heal.