Exposing fake polyglots: Warning signs and red flags

In Vietnamese, I tried to ask for hot water, and instead requested “male fluids”.

I shocked locals with this one trick: I learnt Japanese for 20 years.

At age 10, having known basic English well, I used the term "please" instead of ask. So I commonly said "I will please you" instead of I will ask you.

I was once in Odessa, Ukraine, to practice Russian (as it was during covid, and Russia closed its borders). I remember walking into a Shwarma (kebab) shop and having a very basic conversation with the chef. I only knew how to read Russian, and say basic things. But hey, they appreciated the hell out of an Australian coming all the way there to learn more. As I collected my food order, I had that 'nervous moment' you get during language learning, and as I left I said in Russian "Thank you very much. Hello!" ... and then I walked out. I immediately realised my mistake, and shook my head while facepalming myself hard. For a brief moment I considered just walking off, but then decided "F**k it". I opened the the door to the shop and said, in Russian, "Excuse me. Sorry. Not Hello, but *Goodbye*!" The store owner and his delivery boy immediately had a good laugh with me as they gave a friendly wave and said "no problem". It was as this moment I realised that language learning is going to have its humorous and semi-embarrassing moments. But most of that is internal, as locals will just appreciate you actually trying.

I witnessed a lawyer telling a roomful of Mexicans that he was an avocado. We never let him forget it.

Not really a linguistic error so much as a brain fart, but once tried to fend off a Korean evangelist by telling her 나는 유대인이다 naneun yudaein-ida “I am Jewish”, but misspoke and said 나는 예수다 naneun yesuda “I am Jesus Christ.” Anyway, it worked.

I live in Amsterdam and I already met a relatively famous fake polyglot a few times at the street. He used to post videos like "I will give you 5 bucks if I don't speak your language". Clearly he was only able to speak a few random words, so people caught on to that and started exposing the guy. Now his videos are more like "I will give you 5 bucks if I cannot recognise your language". Way less impressive, way less expensive.

As someone who is currently learning German, I'm relieved to hear that it is in category 2. It feels harder than Spanish, and it's a comfort to know that it's not all in my head. So much more inflection! Several years ago, when I spoke zero German, I was in China and some fellow exchange students came up to me and started speaking German. I wanted to tell them in German that I don't speak German. I knew that "sprechen Sie Deutsch?" means "do you speak Geramn", "ich" means "I", and that "nein" means "no". So I stapled them together and came up with this: "Ich nein sprechen Sie Deutsch", which comes out to something like, "I... no... speaking German you." But of course, speaking really terrible German conveys the idea that you don't speak the language, so when we think about the purpose of language... I think I kind of nailed it.

In Hebrew, I accidentally told someone that I was going to be late because I committed suicide. I was trying to say that I had gotten lost.

You forgot the most important function of Akkadian, writing complaints to your copper supplier about his terrible customer service and broken promises on the copper deliveries.

I wanted to compliment my Japanese friend by telling her that her dress looks cute. Instead I told her that her dress is terrifying. She took it with humor.😅

In Arabic, I once confused the pronunciation of قص and كس، basically I said that I'm having a pain in the Vulva area, instead of the Sternum area. I'm a male. Yeah

"i will never accept a sponsor from better help" language jones i love you

THANK YOU! These fakes really demotivate language learners like myself. This isn’t Pokémon, you don’t need to catch ‘em’ all.

In Bhutan my tour guide taught me how to say “Hello, I am Handsome” (or so I thought) and every time I Introduced myself the locals would giggle. At the end of the week when I introduced myself to his friend she asked why do you introduce yourself like that? Turns out he actually taught me to say “Hello I am Long Nose.”

It's not a single event, but my Japanese friends kept saying I spoke like a yakuza. I thought I was sounding badass...no, they were trying to say I'm being rude and should be more polite

should i become the first woman polyglot scammer? hashtag feminism or sth

I once asked someone in Japanese how many siblings they had, and very puzzled, they replied with a "2". I later realized I had asked them how many parents they had.

Primed for cognates. EXACTLY THIS. I'm a native Swedish speaker. English was extremely simple for me to learn. Mostly because a huge chunk of the English language is very similar to Swedish, not just cognate words but also grammar and "sayings". I can't exactly go to a Japanese person and laugh at them for not being as skilled in English as I am despite having studied it even longer. We had different starting points.

I always think it’s funny when viral YouTube shorts have “polyglots” saying the same simple phrase in every language. “Hello! I speak a little bit of Dutch!”