Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel | TED
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Published 2015-05-21
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships.
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All Comments (21)
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An affair isn't always the end of a relationship but it is always the end of the relationship as it was once known.
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I'm in a relationship with the gym, we always seem to workout
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"Staying is the new shame." This sunk deep.
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12:22 “it isn’t always our partner, that we are turning away from. but the person we have ourselves become. and it isn’t so much that we are looking for another person, but looking for another self”
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"Not looking for another person, but looking for another self." That hit me hard.
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She's a powerful and brilliant orator. It seems like many here missed her message. She is against infidelity, yet does not cover her ears and shout when both perspectives are examined. She is presenting her analysis of both perspectives, that of the cheat and that of the betrayed. She is very scientific and unbiased, and this speech was very insightful.
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30 years ago I cheated on my greatest love and was discovered. It destroyed us both and while she recovered, I didn't. After trying so hard to make it work again she left me and went on to meet and marry another. She is now very happy while I have never fully recovered from the guilt, the loss and the self blame.
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Cheating especially in a marriage is probably the worst thing you can do, you can permanently scar someone. Even if the person gets over it, they will always be affected by it. When I was in the military I've seen guys get completely wiped out by news of infidelity, even to the point of suicide.
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i think the most hurtful thing about an affair is thinking of what you were doing while it was happening. Thinking of being at work, Thinking of the times you went to the store, the times u were sleeping and were so naive. You feel bad for yourself, you question what’s true and what’s not. The hardest part is not forgiving the act, it’s forgetting the act. It’s so hard to not ask for constant validation and then wonder if what they’re telling u is even real. Feeling like “this person looked me in my eyes right after they did it and didn’t even feel the guilt”. It’s a scary thought. It makes you question yourself. I don’t know if I can ever let this go but I want to trust him more than anything, I want what he’s saying so badly to be true.
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2:50 "Monogamy used to be one person for life. Today monogamy is one person at a time..." DAMN 😔
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Got married at 23, wife chested 2 years later. Didn't forgive her and found myself a godsend angel in my new wife. Took me 6 years to meet this wonderful person and I couldn't be any happier. This is what a marriage is supposed to feel like. We have a son and we just thank God everyday for life.
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He knew how much it would hurt me, but he did it anyway.
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This woman immediately commands everyone's attention and holds it for the entire time. What a powerful speaker, and one of the most brilliant minds we have today.
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"Affair in the digital age , a death by a thousand cuts" WOW
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Who else is watching this through tears after being cheated on
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Like she said, sometimes we get to the point in marriage where we realize that we are not the person we want to be or really are. Although it is harder to become your real self in a dysfunctional marriage, refusing to be stereotyped by your spouse and living in integrity can actually have a revitalizing effect on your marriage, as you are more like the person that they fell in love with in the beginning. After 20+ years and fruitless counseling, I gave my rings back to my spouse and said, "If you are willing to have a completely different kind of marriage, let me know, because I would be." It took two months, but he decided he was willing and we made steady progress after that. At 45 years of marriage with four grown children and 9 grandchildren, I am glad I hung in there for change.
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"It's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person"
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The worst part of this whole ordeal, is that for those of us who are truly monogamous, are also sadly the most vulnerable.
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Whenever I run out of reasoning and common sense, i go back to this talk. Excellently delivered😑
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Very powerful words. As someone who was cheated on....yet we managed to continue our relationship. The parting words really struck me: "your first marriage is over, would you like to start a new one?" That is exactly how it is if you choose to stay together. It is not for everyone and the cultural norms and peer pressure (as she discuses here are so powerful) make it almost unbearable to stay together.
