Emerging from belief systems

I was raised LDS (a.k.a. Mormon). When I was a teenager I was S.A. by my boyfriend's best friend, who was a member of the student council. This triggered memories of SRA by my grandfather, who was a bacteriologist for the US Navy. My best friend didn't believe me. My family didn't believe me. When my Dad spoke with me about my struggles with anxiety and depression, he told me, "Wickedness never was happiness, Laura." The victim shaming pushed me over the edge. My anxiety turned into agoraphobia and PTSD. Which led to my self medicating with Cannibas. When my parents found out I was shipped off to a troubled teen facility. This exacerbated my feelings of shame and betrayal, and adding abandonment issues for me, and financial hardships for my family (due to the cost of the facility.) My parents' beliefs that all suffering was a result of sin was the most damaging part and kept me quiet, self blaming and stuck in a cycle of depression and isolation. When my step son started showing signs of S.A., I was determined to support him, believe him and try to protect him at all cost. I turned to my religious beliefs for guidance and protection. This failed. I was taunted by beings when I called out for my "Savior". The judge who ultimately turned my step son over to his abusers was my Bishop and stake president while growing up. While in the temple with my parents, he claimed that his hands were tied on the issue. We were his last case before his retirement. He went on to be a lawyer for the LDS church. During the court battle, we were followed, pets shot with blow darts and poisoned, motion lights shot out, door handles broken off over and over, attempts to break into our home, etc. I don't know how much was private investigators, government gangstalking or my own brother's revenge to a perceived betrayal.(At this same time my brother tried to drug me and hire someone to take me out.) This battle caused us to lose our home during the 2008 crisis, and we now retroactively owed child support, so we could not receive any help. The losses caused a mental breakdown for my then husband. He still has recurring episodes where he tries to take my kids away from me. This past June he was finally diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder, which explains a lot. I still don't know how much is spiritual or mental. The battle continues. There is so much more, but this is part of my awakening process. I hate to admit how many of the lessons I have learned were because of the extreme levels of pain. Pain has been a great teacher. In trying to heal this pain I have had to dive to a much deeper level than I ever would have, or believed that I could survive. I'm a survivor. I'm a warrior. I'm a student. A mother, friend, teacher and explorer. I'm no better than anyone, and I'm no worse. But, I've learned I'm one tenacious lady. And part of my tenacity is making sure I value my childlike wonder, curiosity and kindness. And don't feel guilty saying no or putting up boundaries. This way I won't risk becoming angry and jaded, or becoming the monsters I have faced. <3

I struggle with self doubt. 😔 Scared of being tricked again.