Detransitioning and Transhuman Dysphoria

People often say they didn’t feel like a woman or they didn’t feel like a man, when in reality, no one knows what anyone other than themselves feels like. If your a girl and don’t like feminine things be masculine or be androgynous. Do whatever makes you happy, just don’t rush out and make unhealthy and irreversible changes to your body.

What does someone here mean when they say they have masc and fem inside? Cannot one simply have a female body and an expansive and creative character that doesn’t want to be confined to society’s stereotypes?

Sounds like your mother’s expectations were suffocating, and you had to get away from them. Not that that’s the only thing going on but your whole story was quite interesting.

I am so blown away by you story, your intelligence, your self actualization and your insight. This is such a unique story and I hope you will continue to share your journey cuase you are an incredible storyteller. I also send you all my best wishes for continued understanding and growth of your world and how you fit into it. Truly incredible!

31:14 I honestly didn't expect to relate to this, but at this time stamp, I did. As a teen, an Indian (from India) doctor convinced my mom my asthma was all in my head. I literally spent my entire 15th year sleeping upright so I wouldn't suffocate lying down. My mom literally believed this until a couple years ago, down to outright blaming me for "doing" asthma attacks on purpose to make her life harder, until a brief boyfriend of hers told her "No, seriously, look, if she's got asthma and doesn't get medication, she could die" and he gave me the last of his current inhaler. Prior to the day she handed me that inhaler, I had been awake 5 or 8 days (no idea how long, in truth, because the days fly by after 2 awake) because I could not lay down and there was no way to sleep sitting up at that apartment. Thank goodness for coffee, because that was how I survived staying awake the whole time. Parents, if you do this crap to your children, you are the worst of the worst, right up there with the molesters. By saying your children fake serious debilitating conditions just to make your life harder is hardcore mental abuse.

I don’t want to be a human either. Many of us Autists relate better to animals. They love unconditionally and are so accepting. My mom was just like you too. Narc mothers help to further harm Autistic daughters.

“I stayed up late — writing fan fiction —“

When you talked about wanting to serve people, and getting genuine satisfaction out of it, I kind of resonate with it on some deep level. Especially when you said about serving a family of some kind. My favorite line was "I'm a servant, not a slave"

I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be rude, but I'm 25 minutes deep and wow does it feel good hearing about someone elses problematic family. My family is similar especially with the mother aspect. Our mothers would probably get along, that is if mine got along with anyone. I'm from a small town with very unproblematic lives. Thank you for making me feel less alone, even if its in the most unconventional way!

I like your voice. I'm somewhere on the spectrum but I don't want to physically transition, but I wish my voice were lower and yours is right where I'd like to be. ❤

Your facial features are wonderful. The wig suits you. I was suicidal at one point too. I also considered the effect on others. Most of all, I stayed for my cat. Hope you are finding your place.

As someone with BPD (borderline personality disorder) it is so intriguing to me you arent able to feel emotions. As being extremely highly emotional is the only thing ive ever known!

Hey Courtney, I hope you're doing okay, I know you don't know me, but I'm proud of you for making it to where you are today.

This was so interesting, thank you for sharing your experience. I related to more of this than I expected so you got me thinking about some things, but it makes sense with some overlaps of family background, autism things, CFS, digestive issues, different personalities without it being DID, dissociation, sexuality, emotional stuff etc. The last one is totally different now but me a few years ago didn't really feel emotions and never consciously had so I still could relate. Even the compulsive scratching image took me back a few years which I hadn't even put into words before, so thank you for expressing it. Surprisingly to me though, the not so human thing also hit home even if android doesn't quite fit for me. I've always existed in this weird gender space of not really identifying with nonbinary trans as a label, and being pretty neutral about my birth sex. I would love to look like a man but just changing the way I dress isn't enough, and medical treatment to get there doesn't appeal personally (I also have the contrast of a sister who is trans so her experience helps me see my own as different to that). Honestly it would be fun if there was a switch I could push to choose man or woman based on the day, like switching an avatar, but I look like a woman and my body doesn't really do androgynous so whatever. It's not as overt as it used to be but I still get flashes of it occasionally, usually when I see/hear my name or get reminded of my human existence in some other way, I just didn't really give it language because I didn't realise it wasn't what other people experienced until I finally started working with therapists who were a good fit. Building healthier relationships has helped too cause I've been able to find a couple people who take all the 'weird' stuff in their stride and are good at both validating and questioning at the same time which helps my self awareness, so that's nice. All the best on your journey, I'm glad you were able to move away from your birth family and I hope you find that new family set up for yourself :)

I also had chronic fatigue syndrome and recovered by clearing my digestive system of candida. there are many connections between autism and digestive system. take care of your tummy xxx

1:03:26 Wait, you went to a therapist saying you think you are a robot and she wanted to "affirm" that? WTF?

Back in the day when I was first in the hospital for depression, they thought I could have autism, but I passed their tests. I've been medically transitioning for the past 2.5 years and I'm very happy with the results, but sometimes I worry that my semi-autistic characteristics have somehow tricked me into being trans. (I also have a LOT of anxiety.)

Wow! These complexities are so well articulated! Amazing, amazing, ah-amazing! 🙂👍 Kudos!

Being so analytical of how the body works definitely makes things super weird.

Love and respect to you on this journey ❤️