The Life Span of Loneliness | NYT Opinion

Not enough people value friendship. Everything revolves around romantic love.

I have noticed that an alarming number of people in my social circle DO NOT know how to have a two-way conversation. It feels incredibly isolating and lonely to be constantly: talked at, talked over, interrupted, etc. And if by some miracle I get an in, then the conversation gets hijacked and steered towards them. People need to be mindful of how much conversation monopolizing they do. I was nearly driven to tears at a family reunion due to this behavior.

Thanks for shedding light on loneliness, the silent pandemic.

The worst loneliness is being around a group of people.

It's funny how things work out. My mom was alone and I tried to be a good son and went to see her at least weekly. Now she is gone and I'm the one who is alone. I hope I made her life less lonely because now I realize how lonely it can be.

I never felt lonely until I moved to the US. It's an epidemic here. I moved to the US for the opportunities that offer a better life but the price I've had to pay is loneliness. Not sure it was worth it.

Loneliness is such a huge component of American culture, I believe it is a natural outgrowth of the social structure of the society, the emphasis on work above all, the discomfort with the emotional life, the social mobility that encourages people to move again and again, never ever building community. And perhaps on of the greatest contributors, the value system emphasis on acquisition as a life's goal, the way consumption has become compulsive in this nation. These are ALL isolating activities. If all you do is stuff that keeps you focused on yourself and getting more and more, you are going to be lonely.

Loneliness is a tragedy for whoever who is going through it. I feel like this every day and all I want to do is cry. My heart goes out to all of these lonely people. Remember you are NOT alone as there are millions of people just like us out there.

You can cure a lot of loneliness and find purpose by volunteering for a regularly meeting team effort at a nonprofit or charity. When you're part of a group that's focussed on something greater than each individual, you get perspective; you saturate part of the week that would otherwise be spent alone; and you (along and everyone) are forced to develop friendships with people who have goodwill. I'm no therapist but it worked for me.

Back in 2020, during Covid, I lost my last and closest friend to Suicide. Seven days later I found out I had to put down my amazing Dog due to cancer. I’m a 44 year old male. Being alone is tuff, I really don’t know what to do about it anymore. I’m single, no kids, I have a job that provides but doesn’t fulfill me in anyway. Times are tuff. It’s a strange world. I’m working towards an early retirement somewhere far away from America. I still have hope and a smile.

A big virtual Hug to all those lonely people out there. Wish we all unite somewhere and be friends with each other.

Loneliness = not feeling seen and understood. It's not about being with people so much as it is feeling safe to express one's true feelings with others.

I needed this. It's easy to forget you're not the only one sometimes. And the fact that the single and childless people, the single parents, AND the married ones ALL said the same things is very enlightening...

Here in the U.S., it doesn’t help that valuing friendships is basically seen as an artifact of childhood and slothful indulgence. When we’re little kids, all our children’s TV shows enthusiastically teach us about how fun and important it is to make friends, be good ones, and play games and interact with them. Once we reach grade school, we’re ironically shamed and sometimes even punished for talking to other kids in class and not doing“more productive” tasks like schoolwork. Talk about mixed messages! During these crucial, formative years, socialization should be considered a priority along with learning, healthy eating, and exercise, not reduced to the level of a junk food treat given out for being “good!” By the time high school rolls around, friendships are our lifeblood and (like it or not) a massive source of our validation, respect, and self worth. Nevertheless, we’re still encouraged to cram for tests and college instead of “wasting time” hanging out with our peers, who are often seen as “bad influences” we shouldn’t be listening to anyway. When we finally become adults? Ta-daaa! Our antisocial conditioning is complete! Nearly all notions of friendship being a human need go straight out the window in favor of “more important grownup stuff” like work, sexual relationships, and caring for our own children. If you have no friends, you’re expected to be okay with it because you’re supposed to be perpetually busy and past the age of needing them. As an adult, the very idea of reaching out to old friends I remember from school is painfully cringe and infantile to me, like I’d be trying to connect to relationships that no longer exist and I should’ve grown up enough to move on from long ago. I’d also feel like I’d be intruding on their work and family lives, especially if they have kids, and it’s not like we’d have anything in common anymore anyway. Making new friends as an adult is also awkward. American adults are simply too preoccupied with their own lives and families for that and they’ll never see me as a priority (rightly so), so why bother? What’s scary is, I know I’m not the only U.S. adult who feels these ways, so this is what a potentially sizable portion of our society has come to! We’re all complaining about loneliness being a pandemic here, but in a society where normal, platonic friendships take a back seat to everything else for most of everyone’s lives from start to finish, what do we expect? 🤷🏻‍♀️

All these people need hugs.

It is as if recognizing loneliness, recognizing suffering in others, is something that emotionally connects us humans.

30s: Sometimes I feel desperately lonely; other times I am just alone and ok being alone. I long for meaningful connections with people I enjoy being around. I don't want to just be around space fillers. The hardest part for me is finding genuinely kind and likeable people in this very disconnected yet "plugged-in" world. So, for now, I'm just trying to be my own best friend and be content with or without others until I find my group.

I stopped being lonely when I accepted my aloneness, and stopped wishing for things to be different. I started working on enjoying my time alone, and my aloneness became really valuable to me, it started to enrich my life. Then I started pushing myself to go out into the world… now, my life may not be perfect sometimes I still feel lonely, but I have a lot more people. Loneliness often comes from within.

I feel this. The woman who questioned if she did it to herself because she didn't have kids, I related to. I also related to the woman who didn't have children but her friends did they no longer included her in their lives. This is what I am going through now. I find myself in my 40s with no children or romantic partners and the friends I have are busy with work or their partners. I think the problem started once pandemic began and what community existed just vanished. Community is so limited right now and if you want to do things with others, often it is costly.

30’s.. On my birthday this year I let all my friends know it was going to be my birthday/moving across country party because I was moving to another state the next day… 31 years and no one showed up…… I thought I had made so many “friends “ over those years and no one came. The feeling of loneliness I felt was a true physical pain. I am a only child and lost my mother when I was 16. My father and myself don’t speak either unfortunately. I have also been a stay at home mom since Covid so my social life was gone because of that… everyday I am so grateful for my children and partner but I long for friendship… i miss having friends. And now I live in a new state and it’s even more isolating and loneliness isn’t even close to how I can describe it…. Thank you NYT and all these beautiful people for reminding me I’m not alone.❤