The Fearful Avoidant's 12 Core Wounds (& Accompanying Emotions) | Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Thais, I want you to know you’re saving lives. Seriously. I’m 33 and all my life felt something was so wrong with me and I was so different. Every single video you speak about FAs literally is as if you’re inside my head! I can’t thank you enough. I read the book Attached and couldn’t figure out which 3 I was - until you. FA wasn’t in the book and everything on the internet paints us as poor helpless souls who are either monsters or who are doomed for life. You not only give clarity and hope but you give belonging and self acceptance that we’re not crazy and it’s not our fault. Thank you thank you thank you! If you could do another video about how we begin to reprogram these core wounds you spoke of that would be amazing! If not sending you all the love and gratitude I can muster. You’re incredible

1. I will be betrayed 2. I will be abandoned 3. I am bad 4. I am defective 5. I am not good enough 6. I am unworthy 7. I am trapped, helpless, powerless 8. I will be attacked 9. I am unsafe 10. I am disrespected 11. I am stupid 12. I'll be alone

1. I will be betrayed- biggest wound. Couldn’t trust caregivers, so can’t trust consistency, mood, sober/not sober, etc. Strong inconsistency between parents or between parent and child. Chaos broke trust. Child becomes hyper-vigilant, tries to figure out everything themselves. 2. I will be abandoned. Can go along with feeling you will be betrayed. Emotional cocktail of “stinging” of abandonment but also with anger and frustration when betrayal feeling comes too. Fear and panic too. 3. I am bad/defective. Likely caused by feeling you had to be perfect due to chaos in the home, anything could set them off. If I make a mistake they will drink/get angry again. Give yourself a hard time for making tiny mistakes- esp. with hurting other’s feelings. Defective; if you do something that could be seen as bad (like lose your cool and say something rude), you shame yourself and ruminate, panic, needing to hide and withdrawal and continuing to criticize yourself. 4. I’m not good enough/ I am unworthy. Often parentified at a young age, so have to deal with things beyond what was meant for your age. Usually some kind of pressure. Guilt. Overcompensating, burdening yourself with unnecessary things. 5. I am trapped/helpless/powerless. Frustration and anger. 6. I will be attacked and unsafe. Typically subconscious- not often to feel unsafe consciously for FA. But will over-defend oneself; anger, volatility, emotional outbursts. React largely to small things. 7. I am stupid and disrespected. Shame and anger.

12:28 - 12:30 "if they can get programmed in, they can get programmed out" They way you said that really gives me hope. Bless you, Thais. 💗

"You hyper defend yourself because you felt like there was nobody there to defend you" hit so HARD. I remember when I was a kid (~6-7 years old), my parents sometimes had to leave me at home with my psychotic grandmother, who behaved herself absolutely different as soon as they literally set foot out the door. She screamed, blamed me for things I didn't do and was basically unhinged because she has a mental illness and its worst period was when I was a child. She seemed to become a different person when she was alone with me. And that was truly SCARY, especially because my parents couldn't even believe it at first. She wasn't my primary caregiver, of course, but now I see how much these experiences shaped my personality 🤯 Thank you so much for this channel, I've had a lot of insights even in the last couple of days!! You're helping many people ❤

Oh boy it has taken me 60 years to find a simple explanation to what I experienced Thais. Thank you for your innate ability to make it easily understood

I have ADHD, I was diagnosed at about 5y/o (now 37). My parents didn’t want to use drugs, so instead they mostly relied on strict control and discipline. I grew up feeling that there was something wrong with me, and that I was a disappointment and a burden. My feelings towards my parents growing up was mostly low-level anxiety, always expecting to get in trouble for something I’d done. My behavior caused problems at school with my teachers, and also alienated me from other kids, and I had no real friends until my mid-teens. As an adult I feel like a failure, I compare my life achievements to my siblings and feel deeply ashamed at my lack of accomplishments. I’ve been healing myself for a couple of years now, and recognise my self-hate and habitual self-sabotage, but it’s not easy.

You know... it’s videos like these when you see so many people relating to the topic that you go, “I’m just like everybody else.” There’s hope.

We live a really hard life. Be strong FAs

The "I am bad and defective" hit me. I've parented my younger siblings from a young age so making mistakes, asking for help, and being vulnerable are so hard for me. I isolate to hide my true self thinking I'll be rejected, I'm so tired and I'm only 19 😓

core wounds start at 6:48

THAIS APPRECIATION: You are sbsolutely amazing at what you do. And the empathy and passion is felt with each video. This channel has been therapy and has truly began a true healing journey for many us. Thank you Thais❤

I focus my perfectionism on my looks. I have to be perfect all of the time.

I’m unworthy/bad and I’m unsafe w others are definitely core wounds! I used to avoid getting attached to people for so long. But now I am aware, and I’ve been building solid friendships. I’m proud of myself coming this far. And I’m grateful for the people who made me feel safe and worthy, that motivated me to put myself out there more. Here’s to the future!

Like she's reading a laundry list of things I've never said out loud. GET OUTTA MY HEAD! No, appreciate so much all that I've learned from your videos.

What’s been keeping me going lately is the fact that you managed to heal as an FA. Sometimes I think life isn’t worth all this pain, but you’ve made me realise that if I heal, I might be able to help other FAs just like you. I’m studying psychology in university. The mental health field doesn’t have enough resources on FA attachment style, probably because intensity/nature of our childhood trauma is rare. You bring more hope than you might realise. Some days are very hard though, I’ll admit. :’)

Ooff, you hit me right in the subconscious with this one.

The thing that help me to transform half of my attachment style to secure is understanding what the trigger is telling me where it’s coming from validating its message and then doing the opposite of how I usually react let’s say for example I felt shame and planned to hide somewhere far...I go and do the opposite and express my feelings to the person who cause the wounds to be activated..repeating this idea over and over helps a looot try it and tell me how it turns out ♥️♥️👍🏻

I found it interesting that you said, betrayal is at the core of it all. That ties right into trust.

why does everything go back to caregivers? a lot of trauma is experienced in school, from other children. i think the profession really underestimates how scarring that can be for adults. some kids were rejected and ruthlessly bullied for some stupid reason, like the fact that they wore glasses, or had dark skin, or were overweight, or had a big nose, or woolly hair, or because you got good grades.