Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

It’s a never ending conflict in your head of “I want closeness and connection” then when someone wants to get close “whoa not that close” then you pull away. There is a spectrum there also depending on who you’re talking to. If the other person is more anxious then it triggers your more dismissive side. If the other person is dismissive it triggers more of your anxious side thus confusing others in relationships.

I got diagnosed with this attachment style. 2 months later I was diagnosed with BPD. I've ended every relationship due to my own anxiety. Being alone feels safe, but I also long for closeness. I'm hot and cold and it's confusing to all parties.

I’ve never been described so fittingly. Yet, I’m left with a feeling of despair.

having this attachment style is just really rough on the psyche. sometimes after reacting in ways/doing things that push them away you regret it too, you like snap and realize how irrational u were after being triggered. it makes you feel like you can’t do anything right/hard to love. constantly back in forth in your own mind. what i probably hate most about it how judgmental i feel of my partners, (sad to admit) but you’re on high alert for any changes, when they act in a way you don’t deem them to you start listing more reasons why you don’t need or want them anyway for your own protection. then later thinking they are everything and more. when they finally leave it like messes with the ego (knew you were hard to love, hoped they would stay anyways) i just want peace. took two hard breakups to realize just how erratic i was. stayed single for 3 years. now i’m dating someone with a secure attachment and i learn something everyday how i should be processing our relationship (thankful for him) but it’s still hard knowing you’re the toxic one

People need to stop having children if they dont have their mental & emotional issues sorted out. Unconscious parenting has real life consequences.

I have BPD and I do have this attachment style, intimacy can be so overwhelming and scary I rather be safe and alone but at the same time it’s just so lonely I even feel stupid about it

I think it revolves around the lack of self-esteem.. I want to help people but I feel pressurized when they rely on me and put responsibility on me.. and for romantic relationship I immediately feel the urge to detach when someone gets close to me so much

bro never misses an opportunity to turn it into something about him.

I push people away so much. I just pushed someone that was actually trying trying to be vulnerable with me. I hurt so many people and mostly myself. I wish I wasn’t like this I feel so empty.

I had to take deep breaths throughout this video just so I don't click away and distract myself instead of understanding myself a little better, I struggle with this more than I even knew and it has sabotaged and still now sabotages any chance I have for a healthy relationship. I am constantly analyzing, untrusting, and cutting off people convincing myself that they never really cared in the first place. I hope with this new knowledge I can go easy on myself, establish new healthy boundaries, and learn how to manifest that in my life and with my partner

This doesn’t touch on that Fearful Avoidance often comes from abusive or hostile caregiving, when the child literally fears the caregiver, which is the whole point. Also as an FA I would never get that upset about someone not texting after 2 dates, because FA is triggered in response to closeness and emotional connection, which don’t exist after 2 dates. A lot of us come off deceivingly secure in early dating, due to our interpersonal presence but want to maintain our independent lives. It’s when the connection happens that things go haywire. That example given in the video just sounds like someone who feels a bit entitled and petty, who may or may not be FA. I get that this is a tiny snap shot of FA and for the purposes of a short YouTube video on a channel not specifically targeting attachment styles it’s not possible to do a deep dive, but I encourage anyone wanting to learn about FA to explore the resources out there further. There are some wonderful ex-FAs who now work in the field (Thais Gibson, Paulien Timmer just to name a couple) who will give you an insiders perspective as well as a lot of helpful tools for navigating life and relationships as an FA or loved one of an FA. Other great attachment resources on YouTube include Heidi Priebe and Briana MacWilliam. All of these people get the nuance and can explain things in a way that is both comprehensive and easy to understand, and I think helps a lot of insecurely attached and their loved ones immensely. Happy deep diving (hopefully)!

OH MY GOD I thought I was going crazy. I read up dismissive-avoidant and it resonated with me but then I read the anxious attachment and I agreed with some of the behaviour. Like I CRAVE intimacy but I don't need it. It's like I'm at war with myself. I want to connect with someone but I'm terrified of the other person hating me or they become too dependent on me and out of anxiety I too become distant and ghost them. It's so weird and frustrating. I also have Bipolar disorder so that contributes to it too

A combination of anxious and avoidant attachment. Because their needs were not met as a child. They realize their needs might not be met. Can work on your triggers and reduce your triggers of abandonment and become more secure.

Thanks guys for this video, this is something I didn’t realize that I was suffering from until today. It’s been harmful to my relationships and I’ve felt like until today I’ve been fighting at something that I couldn’t really name.

Thank you. I wondered what was wrong with me. Yes it came from my unstable childhood and trauma.

Magically popped up on my feed. I am now aware and very scared of my new found self awareness Lol

Oosh. I am fearful avoidant. Single for 6 years & recently started seeing someone. He is somewhat emotionally available, will apologize when needed, has pretty much still been there when I return from my 'never want to see you again because of x, y & z' moments but the HARDEST part by far is when it's been a whole goddam day and he hasnt even bothered to message me even just to say hi. Even writing this right now I feel completely and utterly justified in ending it just for this. When the lady above talks about sitting with uncomfortable feelings it's what I have been intuitively trying to do and it honestly feels so wrong to put up not being texted for a whole day & there is not one rational reason I can think of as to why there is an excuse good enough...We will see.

Ty for saying that we’re not a lost cause

I like the way that the host, Kyle, found a way to relate to much of this series, and in most discussions on this channel in general. They're in large the same realizations I would have to the discussion topics and I appreciated that, kind of like a form of validation for me. I always wondered a bit where I fell, I learned about anxious avoidant style through this series and I've got something to work with now. Thanks for a great series on attachment styles!

The black and white thinking was so good ! Such a helpful tip for FAs