Do People With Autism Want Friends? (A Friend's Guide to Autism)

One of my teachers once wrote about me on my report card was: "She lives in a little world of her own. She won't come out, and she won't let anyone else in." I would have loved to let someone in there, but nobody was interested in the sort of things I am interested in, and besides that, most just didn't like me because I was weird - or so they said. I think they didn't know how to react to me. I am 80 now, and nothing has changed! I can fake it better now, but I can't be bothered.

Our social withdrawal stems from a need for deeper engagement. And people are quite shallow and combative.

Honestly, I don't think I want friends. I just want light acquaintances. I do enjoy a deep conversation, but most people are not into that.

We do, but we don't want just any friends, we want friends that we share interests with and can have honest, intellectual, and emotional connection with. Edit: it depends on the person though

Loud, noisy, shallow social events are boring, stressful, and draining

I've been hurt so many times by people I thought would never hurt me. Now that I'm 37 and have been crushed over and over with another one coming soon, I would just assume never get involved with another person. I've tried my entire adult life to mask, do the right thing, be honest, etc and it always leads to the same outcome. I'm tired of trying... I just don't understand human behavior, and they certainly don't understand me...

Yeah surface conversations are VERY draining. I have adhd

Nope, I've learnt through bad experiences that having friends is too much hassle. They always seem to turn on me after a while. Having friends is appealing in principle, but it just doesn't work out. I am very lonely, but that's preferable.

Always been betrayed by my then so-called "friends". Don't want any now.

As someone with autism, I can honestly say I don't care much about having friends. That wasn't always the case, as I've gotten older, I seem to care less about having friends, but I think that's normal for a lot of people. My wife and her family provide more than enough socializing for me. Like everyone else, different people have different personalities, and can be introverted or extroverted, whether you're on the spectrum or not, and that's another layer to this.

I rely heavily on "parallel play" social opportunities, like working at a soup kitchen or meeting up to work on separate projects but in the same space. It allows you to dip in and out of conversation as you need without any awkward pauses to create pressure or anxiety. It also allows me to keep my hands busy without obviously stimming

For a number of years I was a member of a tennis federation, which served 3 purposes: (1) provided an outlet for my interest in tennis; (2) provided regular physical exercise with an activity I have a strong interest in; and (3) provided sufficient social interaction within a limited timeframe with the people I was playing with.

I have and want friends, but going through burnout makes interaction very difficult and draining. Im definitely in the camp of light acquaintances at this time in my life. I dearly love my friends but don't have enough spoons to socialise at the moment,i will recover and be bouncing back ASAP for sure. Thanks for sharing Paul.

I’m lucky to have one real friend I’ve known since he was a baby, we grew up like brothers. His wife and I have similar interests so much so, my wife and him roll their eyes when we get onto one of the subjects like horticulture and revegetation. There’s another family we’re acquaintances with despite them saying we’re like family they cut us off if there’s a disagreement so Meh. My wife of 32 years is my polishing stone, my happy place, my friend.

Thank you so much for this video. I have been anticipating it. It has been a struggle understanding what my teen son (Asperger's) wants vs. needs regarding friends. He has often been shunned by peers yet I could sense he wanted to be included. It has taken me a while to figure out but I realize that HIS version of what "included" or "friends" is, is different than mine. In the end, HIS version, or definition, is what matters....not mine or society's. I have to respect him for who he is and how he sees the world not how I or most of the world may see it. I try to not bug him by trying too hard to get him to participate in conversation or an activity. I just let him know, I am around if he feels up to it. I have come to realize that he is more comfortable with me just being near and accessible for when he wants to approach or initiate conversation. My biggest fear is how the world in general is more cruel and impatient than ever. I love my kid. I hope he finds people/friends in his adult life who will respect his style and boundaries as his own and stick around long enough to see what a loving and giving human he truly is. Thanks more than I can say for your channel. You have been a blessing to this Dad looking for answers.

I’m ok with not having friends. I prefer solitude most times with one or two friends who understand i need frequent space. My husband is my best friend and i have one other friend that’s enough for me and I’m extremely selective about those around me.

It’s funny, when I was younger I wanted friends. But in time I discovered it was because I knew that not having friends made me different. When I got better at making them (whether they’d have ended up being good people for friends or not is another story) I didn’t want them anymore. It was a lot of work, it took time out of my day and I realized how much I enjoyed being alone. I think too the big issue I had was people being cruel to me, and maybe it was because I was burned so many times. I remember being a teenager and vowing to no longer have friends because people were so cruel, but then I still had those feelings of being inferior for not having friends well beyond that. By the time I was 30 I recognized finally that I didn’t want friends. I am happy now. No more pressure, no more anxiety of “I’d better get on that and make friends!” Why? I didn’t truly want them. But I do feel still in the minority a bit. It really does seem like a lot of autistic people do want friends. But I wonder if some might be confused like I was. If they made friends easily how many of them would actually enjoy it and keep up with the work involved? I’d have a quiet weekend planned and get a text asking if I was busy and if I wanted to go out. I didn’t want to but I felt so inferior to not go out, so I did and all I ever felt was stressed. Just my experience!

I don't have ASD, but I'm trying to learn more about people who do, and I find this helpful. Personally, I'm not big on the traditional sense of "friendship", either. I don't like to talk unless I actually have something to say/ask, I don't get mopey if I'm not paid attention to immediately (Quality time > quantity of time) and I need time to relax after a group social setting. I get most of my socializing through my pets, funny enough, because they're just not as taxing as interacting with other people (And being as I do have clinical depression I am generally tired from the start, so energy management is a massive part of my everyday life). Sometimes just having someone quietly hang out in the same room while we do different things is exactly the level of social that I need to feel comfortable (And cats are excellent at just parking themselves nearby, lol). I feel like these qualities would probably make me an ideal friend for someone with ASD, lol.

Your videos saved my relationship. Before I saw your videos I did not understand my partner at all and was continually hurt and confused. Because of your videos, I understand him, how to help him and be what he needs and how to let things go and not take them personally. Life changing. Thank you.

Well, I have no friends (other than superficial work acquaintances) and haven't had real friends for a very long time, perhaps as far back as high school, some 45 years ago. Even my family doesn't interact with me, they don't care for any of my hobbies, passions, or even movies I like to watch. I have to resort to cajoling or bribing for them to grudgingly sit down for a movie or a simple boardgame ever so rarely. I'm racking my brains to figure out how to make friends that are into the same things I'm into, but getting nowhere. Then again, now that I'm retired I don't bother masking or pretending; I'm just being me.