The unspoken struggles of being a high masking Autistic

I have deeply analyzed my social interactions for half a century now. It has been an important survival strategy, but it always came with bitter self-criticism. Ever since I learned that I'm neurodivergent a couple of years ago, I absolutely refuse to let that analysis be coupled with self-criticism. I'm much kinder to myself now. If I feel myself slipping into a bad mindset, I will literally speak out loud to myself and kindly redirect myself. Now I picture myself as an anthropologist studying the ways of humans, it's academic, and I'm just expanding my understanding. No need for self recriminations, embarrassment, or guilt.

Dropping the mask always feels like a higher risk little reward scenario. For your personal mental health it’s good but being seen as Hella weird and awkward by your peers is ROUGH 💀

Currently crying --- the more you learn about high masking, the more you mourn about how you've felt about your place in the world

Being bright and bubbly is my mask… I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even know how to take it off in public anymore… I’m so exhausted. I can’t even begin to tell you how exhausted I am after masking in public… and the sad thing is; no one would ever know. We all all have our internal struggles and I think my point is that we just need to be kind to each other. Stay safe everyone ❤️

Oh yeah, the four hours of analyzing and tearing apart every moment of the three minutes I spent buying a coffee. That's not to mention the 15 minutes spent rehearsing how to ask for the coffee, and the 5 minutes in the line, holding that script in my head before asking for the coffee. You can't have thoughts when you're waiting for an interaction with a neurotypical, God no, you have to be at battlestations, holding position! If I take a moment to have thoughts, I'll lose the script, I won't be ready! But before I came in here I was in a really detailed debate with myself about physics, and it's so shiny, and delicious, and interesting, and I want to continue it, but if I do, I. Will. Forget. The. Fucking. Script.

I am the wife of an autistic man who was not diagnosed until age 36, as a result of evaluating our now-adult children, who also both have autism. So when I say this, please know it comes from a lifetime of personal observation: when you feel like a Debbie Downer, I suspect that other people find you to be a calming energy. I know there's very little calm inside you as you navigate uncertainty and overwhelming sensory stimuli, but the YOU you are is a delightful, restful change from others who are constantly trying to impress. I admire the ability of people with autism to see through BS right to the heart of a matter, not getting bogged down in peripheral social falseness.

Because of my autism that was diagnosed early, my narcissistic mother often told me that I was incapable of empathy. My mask got so strong that I changed my default facial expression to a happier one to prevent adults from constantly asking me what was wrong when nothing was.

I'm only partway through but I just wanna mention, as a "bubbly" person people often don't take you seriously or respect you. I feel like I can come across as immature, too casual and sometimes people find me really annoying for talking too much. It doesn't serve me well professionally and there are certain social groups where I feel very out of place because I'm "too much". As someone who doesn't know you personally I don't think you need to be bubbly to be well liked. I think you come across as grounded, calm, empathetic, efficient, helpful, honest and level-headed. I think we often gravitate toward and admire people who have qualities that we don't naturally possess. Being perceived is the worst lol

I see myself in all the details and this makes me think i am high masking but recently i find myself getting along with it, getting more creative i have always had social anxiety due to my autism but I’m making progress also i take some medicinal mushroom supplements to increase cognitive function also good for brain chemistry, keeps me going .

Being excluded by a social group has been life threatening fear for human beings. I feel like I need to do whatever the thing I can do to prevent this from happening when I am interacting with other people.

Some years ago I was tested for autism and declared "too functional" for it. I requested it myself, pushed for it even. I had discovered the rabbit hole that was late diagnosed women on the spectrum and all I could do was point and say "Hey, that's me!" They finally indulged me, even though I was frequently told I did not fit the criteria. During the tests I could actively feel myself masking even though I tried hard not to, but as I also tried to explain to the psychologist, I could not drop the mask. They called it ADHD (which I had been diagnosed with several years earlier) with a splash of Autism. At that point I had been unable to work or do anything really for over a year because of severe burnout. They laughed. I laughed. I asked if calling it a "splash" of Autism maybe was being a bit underhanded. "You have kids" they said, "we saw you hug them. Autistic people don't do that. You just have struggles that are very similar. But talking to you now feels normal and OK so no autism detected here!" I'm still unable to work or even socialize. I honestly feel trapped in a limbo now because what I thought was maybe the answer to my struggles was deemed wrong, and now the pressure to get better is immense. I can relate heavily to everything in this video except not being bubbly. That has usually been my default and it is exhausting. Human interaction drains me to my core and I feel like such an impostor every time I try to shield myself from stressful situations using the "splash" as an excuse. I don't even know what I am trying to convey here, but please don't take this as a disrespect for people on the spectrum. I do not claim to be Autistic, I just seem to share many, so many, of your problems.

We live in a very fake society and everyone is masking. But for us neurodiverse people, masking is all the more painful because we naturally crave the truth. That's how I see it, anyways. My journey towards authenticity started before diagnosis, but diagnosis definitely helped me to change my self concept. The more authenticity I have managed to integrate through inner work, shadow integration, and embodiment and self understanding, the less I stress in social interactions. I used to analyse EVERYTHING, making scripts and criticise every single possible thing I said and did. Post interaction, I called it the "find five faults game" and usually found lots more than 5. Now I deliberately STOP this "game" bc it is self abusive. I still have to monitor if my pitch is too loud ++or how honest the interaction allows me to be, but I am experimenting with sharing that I am, in fact, doing spiritual stuff. And I don't care if you laugh at woo woo shit. It's even fun...to see peoples reactions. And I used to close off my heart. If you're constantly analysing you're in your mind. When intercting from body and heart presence, everything is a lot less scary and people often react positively (or neutral.) I am not judging, my experience has been very dark and lonely. But all of these things are possible to change and heal. I get compliments for being authentic when sharing art or emotions, but I have struggled to find people who appreciated me, too. A big part of the spiritual communities are aspiring to be authentic and real, especially if they recognize and do shadow work, (but in these places discerment is key, I am not saying all spiritual groups are ok.) And the world needs your authentic selves ❤

I have used this EXACT color metaphor to explain why I babble and rant so much around my few trusted friends yet am borderline mute or at least 'grunty' around strangers or acquaintances. Also a part of my own mask, I now know @ 33, is to dull down my thoughts and feelings for others to extreme simplicity in order to only convey shades of grey, when really I WANT to convey the colors, but I have to do very messy color mixing in real time to get there, and it's energy+time intensive.

I resonate with everything you said about "reviewing" everything after a social interaction being super exhausting, yet still feeling shame and guilt for not behaving exactly how I want. It's frustrating to think that others don't need to think about how to interact with others, they just... do it. Whereas I feel that I need to pop some veins to be close to "normal" in social environments. I need something to fidget or someone safe to talk to.

I get flashbacks to interactions as far back as 30 years ago and loath everything that I remember of myself in those situations. When they pop up, I truly believe that I should have known better at 5 than to think a sales person saying 450 about a puppy was $450, not $4.50- but the immediate and excruciating embarrassment still physically hurts me when I recall it. These come almost every time I am not actively thinking about something, and I always assumed everyone had these traumatic memories on loops.

That’s the worst thing right? All these perceptions of being selfish and narcissistic, that we aren’t considerate and that we’re oblivious to social norms. But we aren’t, we’re trying so hard to be accommodating to others and to be decent people and to fit in and it’s just… impossible sometimes. My wizard spell book of “scripts for every social interaction possible” is always incomplete, and I will always inevitably get something wrong, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. It’s exhausting to try and “see the future” to preemptively understand these things our brains just don’t do natively. Thanks for talking on these topics, you really helped me and probably many others feel seen today. I experience a lot of what you shared in this video, hoping to give some of the empathy I show to others back to myself.

i'm working so hard on dropping the mask

I have been officially diagnosed in the spectrum last December at 41 yo... I felt like all my life, all I thought I was, was an imposture, a big ugly lie... I am in an autistic burn out since January and unable to go out since then. It's been a challenge this diagnosis because it put a name on this awkwardness I always felt but it made me realise all the self-trauma I did. I constantly analysed myself, my gestures (my hands where do I put them?/how do I act when I listen to people?/ I have to show them they are important to me so how do I look at them, in the eyes?), my way of speaking of laughing of breathing of everything! It was so exhausting and I feel so sad to have spent 40 years of my life wondering if I was normal enough to be loved and wondering why, despite all my efforts, people still disliked me and bullied me relentlessly. It made me believe I was the problem, that there must be something wrong with me. And it made me want to die, to destroy myself. It made me believe I was not good enough to exist and that I was an aberration. And then it made me hate people and think the world was against me because I was so unlovable. It was hard and so so tiring. I think neurotypical people are very lazy in their social interactions and reject anyone that seems different, they want validation through others and seek their mirrors a lot of the times. I am happy to know I am an ADHD autistic woman, it does not simplify my life, but it certainly gives me the key to better understand myself and be more forgiving with myself. It also teaches me to let go of the normalcy belief. I know now that I am loved, I am lovable and am where I should be, living my life and loving people who I trust and respect and trust and respect me back. Don't know if you will read this rant, but you and your videos and your vulnerability and generosity made my post-diagnosis depression so much more bearable. I am not exaggerating when I say it is thanks to you I saw the order in all the confusion I was feeling, after the official naming of that pit in my soul. You are important because you enlighten an obscure circumstance : being diagnosed in adulthood as a neurodivergent person. So thank you so much for all your videos, your caring and know that you are helping.

Acquaintance: Me (to myself): This is great. I'm going to get a good grade in people, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

In high school and university, I was, and sometimes still am, perceived as arrogant. I've always had problems with voice tone, voice volume, and sometimes I can come across as angry when I'm talking about something I really care about. Even though I know this, I've never really noticed it in my head, I know it because others tell me. My partner told me once that the way I talk about sensitive issues may make people feel like I think I'm right and may alieniate some people. And I was like, "So you're saying that 1) thinking you're right is bad, and 2) people care more about HOW I say things than the THINGS? What is wrong with people?" When I was still in high school, first I learned to shut up, then I learned to be funny to offset the "arrogance", but it seemed that "some people" would have issue with whatever I chose to do. Then it hit me. No matter what you do or say, "some people" are always going to think some way about you. "Some people" may or may not like how you present yourself. "Some people" will never like you. But usually, those "some people" are people who won't affect my life in any way. So now it doesn't bother me as much. My family likes me for me. My friends like me for me. My partner likes me for me. My co-workers like me for me. That is enough. Sometimes I get lonely and wish I had more friends, but then I remember people suck and I feel better.