How to Date an Aspie | Patrons Choice

I'm dating a guy with Asperger and I have ADHD. He made it very clear at first, that he didn't want a relationship, because he's scared of the overwhelming feelings that he might go through. But somehow i managed to change his mind by showing him that I'm just as vulnerable as he is. And it's the best relationship i ever had. No mind game, no lies, no trying to understand things between the lines, it's all very clear. No keeping track of who messaged first and who replied late, we're on the same page when it comes to these small things. We both reply to messages very slow. We hung out with each other almost everyday, but our date was just us having a meal together when it's lunch and dinner time and then we'd do our own stuff (he'll play his game and i'll do my artwork) in the same room. So we love having each other's company and not exhausted by it. Now, I'm in my home country and he's 6000 miles away. It's quite hard. But oh well. It's how it is. :)

I just stumbled across your videos and I love them. My boyfriend of 3 years was diagnosed years ago as "moderate to severe Aspergers." The first thing he told me, on our first "not--a-date" was: "I can't live with people or have relationships, and I'm not very good at sex." Um, wow, awkward Dude!! But after that rather peculiar start, things developed and I moved in with him 6 months ago and we are absurdly happy. I have become better about not expecting him to read subtle social cues. I can tell him things like: "Someone hurt my feelings and I'm sad. Please sit next to me and put your arm around me - bonus points for gently stroking my hair." Perfect - my needs are met, and he's happy because he's clear on what the situation calls for.

There wasn't a misunderstanding on your part because slippers aren't shoes. If she had said no footwear or, socks/barefoot only in the house, then you would have been one misunderstanding. #justsaying :D

Maybe it's because I'm aspie myself, but when I started dating another aspie (before I myself was diagnosed) it was so delightful how straightforward he was without all the 'normal' little headgames often encouraged in dating. I remember the first time I put my finger on what was so striking to me about his way to communicate and I told him "you are the least manipulative or passive aggressive person I've ever met". He always just said exactly how he felt or what he thought about. He just was so authentic. So if that type of delivery works for you, it's actually a gift from heaven when you find it.

You are single handedly saving my marriage. Thank you, beyond words...thank you.

Just want to say that I've loved an Aspie for years. We used to live together and I fell in love with him. It was difficult because it wasn't reciprocated and yet he seemed to be flirting with me it was SO hard to read. Anyway - just wanted to put it out there that him being on the spectrum is actually one of the main reasons I find him so attractive. He is honest, creative, very handsome and bloody funny! We are very good friends to this day and it is lovely seeing him grow and change mentally. I've learned not to assume anything! And for some reason he makes me very calm when I'm with him. Which is just lovely because i have Anxiety. He accepts me for who i am and that is precious.

My Aspie partner and I live in two separate RV's right next to each other. That way we can live together but can also retreat into our own spaces when we need alone time or want to get absorbed in our hobbies without interference. It's funny because living together in this manner has allowed us to spend far MORE time together than before we had this arrangement.

Did she every explain to you the no slippers thing? I was born in the Nordic countries and have lived i Stockholm for more than 25 years, and I've never heard this rule before. No shoes inside, yes, because it brings in all the dirt from the outside, especially bad in the winter when there is snow outside. But lots of people wear slippers inside, I have a pair myself.

Yes! Understand that we overexplain, that feel like lying to others perhaps, when it is in fact, one of our traits to detail everything.

a lot of this applies for regular friendships too. I cannot take it when people don't communicate

4:20 As an aspie, I have so much trouble with this. I have a tendency to always explain myself, and it always rubs people the wrong way. But I can't NOT explain myself, you know? I hate it when people have the wrong idea and I just have to explain. Because if I don't explain, then it's even worse, I feel. How do I overcome this? It's a lose-lose-situation it feels. Every time.

As an NT, let me tell you I don't understand why she was upset lol.

For a long time I've thought that having separate bedrooms was more practical than a single shared room (even for NT/NT relationships). Rather than have one room that isn't either person (though, probably more often decorated by the woman based on common culture references like comedy TV/movies), than needing another area for one/both (e.g. "man cave"), it seems simpler to just have two rooms that is each their own "space" to start. No forcing each other to compromise their personalities with a shared room. That doesn't mean they can't regularly "sleep over" in their partner's room for aspects of a traditional relationship.

This really helped me. It's hard dating an aspie. My guy is my favorite person. I'm good biggest fan. But it's hard for me due to my own insecurities and depression which shades everything a different color. You do have to check in constantly. My aspie is so amazing. He cares about me so much. I love how he sees things differently. It's so worth it. I don't give him the benefit of the doing like I should. I project a lot. I'm gonna do better.

7:04 That is actually a weird thing for me. I don't need recharge time from my gf. I can't explain it much either. If I am all day with other people I am usually so exhausted I can barely stand people anymore. For example when in lab I need to take 20 min breaks where I hide in the toilet in silence or on the stairs. But with her it ain't really a problem. Spending all day 24h per day for 17 days and I was fine. Heck I could "recharge" with her around.

This spoke directly to me and made me cry. I can't even imagine how much different things would have been if I'd known about my ASD during my failed marriage. Thank you for doing what you do. I hope other people can learn about themselves earlier in life than I did.

You spoke from the perspective of dating and people just getting to know one another. As someone who is an ADHDer married to an autistic for a long time the hurdle once you get beyond the initial acceptances or accommodations comes with 1) that very often the autistic partner isn't able to or is uncomfortable changing how they do things while on the other end there are a great number of accommodations and compromises 2) the accommodations and compromises are often not just simply logistical for the non-autistic partner -- that is there is emotion or deep meaning attached to those changes such that something like needing to sleep in separate bedrooms can have an emotional and relationship impact even whilst understanding the need of the autistic partner for that sleeping arrangement. It is facile to say that it's a matter of accepting an unconventional relationship especially as many of these compromises/accommodations won't be things agreed upon at the outset of the relationship. They are things that come up as you continue in relationship with that person (and may grow in number) and perhaps are already committed. You probably knew that your partner was not the average bear when you met them or very early on but may not have known the extent of their adherence to routines, exactly how they would require things to be in the house, the level of disinterest they have for things outside of their special interests etc. Something else that is super important from the other perspective also is that non-autistics may well use little things like responding to the text right away as a way of weaving in displays of caring into everyday life. If one's partner is autistic and not observing any of these little shows of caring how is the other partner sensing caring other than when the autistic tells them? In my experience often autistic folks establish that they care about someone or that someone cares about them as an almost static fact and then often do not need shows or reiteration (and such displays mean nothing to them) of that but many non-autistic people do. We can accept logically that our autistic partner won't or is uninclined to make these small displays but the lack of these may still have an emotional effect. And again finding out that there will never be these displays often comes after the relationship is already underway and the extent of it may only be revealed slowly. I think it is important to talk explicitly with one's partner about how being autistic and non-autistic shapes the dynamics of the relationship (and in particular aspects such as communication and social engagement) and I would say with what you've said it is probably important for you to 1) also try to accommodate your non-autistic partner's wishes (if you know she likes flowers and will see receiving them as a gesture of caring but you could care less, still buy the flowers) 2) that you show some explicit appreciation for the accommodations that that person is making (because guaranteed the amount to which they are altering their ways of being will be greater than it is for you - given routines, special interests, sensory issues, etc.).

Re: Prologue, I felt so much more "at ease" in Germany, where I could hide behind the "doofe Ami" ("dumb American") stereotype and pretend my faux pas was a result of a misunderstanding of language (even when it wasn't technically true). Germany was orderly and logical in a way that really appealed to my Aspie brain. I actually visited some British friends over Xmas my year abroad in Germany and holy cow the UK was such a culture shock, even though I was ostensibly speaking the same language. I felt even more awkward than I did back home, and hiding behind a language barrier wasn't really an option; add to that the particularly English penchant for not really telling someone they're annoyed with them but just stewing until they suddenly blow up at you. I accidentally overstayed my welcome without realizing it. The British older couple I was staying with had been my host family in Germany back 2 years earlier (the wife was British, the husband German)...when the husband retired they settled in the UK. Anyway, they eventually got very cross with me and told me I had to move on to elsewhere in the UK or go back to the continent. I found the UK unbelievably expensive, felt like I was hemorrhaging money every day, which was incredibly anxiety-inducing....I can't describe the relief I felt crossing back over the German border by train...once again in logical, sensible Germany....my home sweet Aspie home away from home....I realize this has nothing to do with dating, but your prologue stirred that memory for me.

I always have the problem of boyfriends not believing me when I'm honest about my feelings. EG: They say "what's wrong? You're being all quiet and keeping to yourself" and I say "nothing, I'm fine".. and that is what I mean. Nothing is wrong, I am fine, I am just chilling out. But because they're conditioned to believe that when a woman says she's 'fine' that she is definitely not fine, they probe me, and keep probing, telling me that I must be lying and to tell them what's really going on. Eventually we both get angry and it ends in a huge argument over NOTHING. This has happened in every single relationship I've attempted. If it turns out I have ASD then at least I'd be able to explain that I just need some downtime to recharge. Although I bet they still wont believe me.

Using past experience is huge for finding clarity after misunderstandings. It can make ALL the difference when one person is able to say, "Remember that time you did x? What did it mean? What would have been the best response? What would you like me to know about it?" Curiosity is so valuable, especially when we are hurt or angry or disconnected.