Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships | Joanne Davila | TEDxSBU
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Published 2015-11-17
Dr. Joanne Davila is a Professor of Psychology and the Director of Clinical Training in the Department of Psychology at Stony Brook University. She received her PhD in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.
Dr. Davila’s expertise is in the area of romantic relationships and mental health in adolescents and adults, and she has published widely in this area. Her current research focuses on romantic competence among youth and emerging adults, the development of relationship education programs, the interpersonal causes and consequences of depression and anxiety, and well-being and relationship functioning among lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals.
Dr. Davila is a Fellow in the Association for Psychological Science and the Incoming Editor (2016-2022) for the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
Dr. Davila also is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in evidence-based interventions for relationship problems, depression, and anxiety.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
All Comments (21)
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First lesson: find yourself a partner who is willing to learn and develop themselves alongside you.
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I wish they'd teach this in schools. We are sent off into the world with no financial education, relationship training, or real-world skills. If you come from a family lacking of, or dysfunctional in, any of these areas, good luck; you are likely to repeat what you've been exposed to.
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It is not only finding the right partner, it is also being the right partner. My wife and I have a system. When either one asks “could you”…that means the the task can wait or not be done at all. But when one says I “need you” to…the other partner drops everything, does the task with no questions asked. Although seldom used, this system has worked beautifully. Most importantly, you don’t keep count
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Last night I made my girl cry for the first time. It literally destroyed me hard core. From today onwards I've dedicated to invest in my relationship.
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Imagine being called down to an assembly in high school and having this talk presented. Half of assemblies were so pointless.. imagine what something like this could have done for ALL high school couples. I would personally be so interested in this even in grade 9.
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"No amount of premarital education can make up for a bad partner choice" savage and true I love it!!!!!
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I must be super into this guy, for me to start doing research on how to love him better <3
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Leaving a relationship you’re not happy in is much easier than emotionally damaging someone. But selfish people don’t get that
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Selecting the right partner is very challenging because people don't come with a manual or a QR code, which you can scan with your mobile device, to get insight into their personality. A lot of people hide their true selves, only showing their best version in the beginning, until a few weeks or few months later you begin to see them for who they are. This is why relationships are exhausting.
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I'm educating myself for my future girlfriend 😀
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1.Genuinely knowing what you need and want in a partner and a relationship 2. Selecting the right person 3. Having and developing the relationship competence skills from the beginning 3.1. Insight (Awareness, learning) A better idea of who you are, you need, you want. Knowing your partner better. Anticipate the negative/positive consequences of your behavior better. 3.2. Mutuality Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter. Be able to communicate your needs clearly. Be willing to meet your partner's needs. Factor both your and your partner's needs in decision making. 3.3. Emotion regulation Keep your emotion calm. Think through your decisions more clearly. Maintain your self - respect and commitment to your needs even when bad things happen in the relationship.
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Points: Insight, mutuality and emotion regulation. Insight - Awareness, understanding and learning. Knowing what's right for you. Mutuality - Knowing both people have needs and both needs matter, and working to meet those needs. Emotion Regulation - Regulating your feelings in response to things that happen in the relationship. Tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not lash out. Good talk. A lot of people need to see this. Wish I saw this 20 years ago. Now I feel totally emotionally incompetent and feel like it's just too much of a hassle to try to connect with people.
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her voice is so calming
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"with insight, you'll be able to understand your partner more" she sounds like she's unveiling new software.
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I wish I had learned this before destroying my relationship. Now I can see how unhealthy I was being to my former partner. Thank you for helping me in this quest to be a better person myself.
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I'm really bad at regulating emotions. I feel discarded/abandoned the minute someone that I care about seems distant. As a result, I also back away because I've had experiences in the past where I get hurt from trying to bridge the gap when someone is distant.
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Love is not looking into each other eyes but also looking the same direction
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I love how she took 13 and 14 year old girls results seriously. Most people wouldn't pay attention because they think they don't last. But what you learn from when you're young really affects future relationships.
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Step 1: Find someone who is willing to get in a relationship with you. I am stuck on step 1
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Everyone agrees that emotional intelligence and awareness are essential. The real question is how to acquire those skills? How does a person learn insight, mutuality and emotional regulation?
