Autistic Masking: The Damaging Effects of Long-Term Masking and Camouflaging

Unmasking late in life has given me comfort even though friends or family memebers have withdrawn or not understanding. Thank you for talking about masking in aspergers.

i met a new professor today and telling him that im autistic. and he, typical person working in education obviously, tells me he has no clue about it. so i give him a brief. and 5minutes later he generally tells me he likes how social i am... lol. the social me i am masking to perfection. which is not really me. haha. its also exhausting how they appreciate my fake me.

"feel like they can look into my soul" eye contact is both freaky and intrusive. Felt this way forever

I got my diagnosis last year at 40 My body is literally broken because of the toll of masking without knowing it AND repeatedly finding myself or putting myself in situations I did not understand how to handle and didn’t have a support network

Others don’t see the rejection — they only see the attempts to cope. Very important message.

Now at 50, I tend to mask “less”….it’s like I’ve reached a point in life where I don’t care that much about making people believe I am “normal”……when younger, I got obsessed with masking so people wouldn’t “read” through me, got good at it, however, in the end people still figured me out. Now, I figured out that masking did more damage than good.

This is a very interesting topic. I’m in my 50s, but I only learned I was on the spectrum a few months ago. Several years ago, I was tired of feeling ignored by my coworkers; I work for an opera company and I’ve been there for more than 20 years, but I never felt like anyone was friendly to me. I talked to my therapist about this quite a lot, and he recommended I step outside my comfort zone and initiate communication with others. So, I started saying hello to everyone, smiling at them, asking them how they were doing, all that "normal" social stuff. Doing that makes me REALLY uncomfortable, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to try it. Initially, it worked out great. People were friendlier to me than they’d ever been. People didn’t act like I wasn’t there if they came into a room I was in. I found myself getting included in more planning meetings, more production nettings, even more social gatherings. That all got old very quickly, however. I didn’t like the meetings because I’d get asked questions — and everyone would expect me to answer. I’m fine with answering questions one-on-one, but I often can’t speak if I’m in a group. I mean, I literally can’t speak. My brain freezes up and I can’t get words out. That was always a problem for me in school, but my job with the opera company has me working completely by myself and it’s been the ideal job for me. I also wouldn’t ever go with people for social gatherings. After rehearsals and performances, most of my coworkers go out to eat or drink, but I just can’t bring myself to participate. All that got very awkward. Being asked to participate in things, only to have me act like I didn’t want to be there, felt way worse than not being asked to participate in the first place. The whole "friendliness" façade got really tiring, too. I’d normally come home from rehearsals exhausted, but coming home after having been social at rehearsals was ten times worse. I couldn’t understand any of this, of course. It didn’t make any sense. It was making me miserable. I eventually quit trying to be social and just went back to being the weird guy who doesn’t talk to anyone. Now that I know I’m on the spectrum and have learned about masking, it all makes perfect sense. I tried to create a new mask, but it proved too much for me. I’m honestly no sure what to do now, since I don’t want to go back to masking but I’d also like to be on friendlier terms with everyone. It’s interesting that I’ve learned all this about myself during 18 months of not seeing any of my coworkers; live theatre is not a great profession to be in during a global pandemic, it turns out. I’ll be going back to work in about a month, however. Our COVID restrictions will be so strict that I’ll have to remain in my very isolated work space most of the time, though, so I won’t be encountering nearly as many people around the building. I suppose that’s good for me right now, while I’m figuring things out. It’s funny, but I think the wearing of a physical face mask might help me not have to "mask" so much in the social sense. I won’t feel pressured to smile at people, at least. I really, really, really like wearing face masks in public. It feels like I can blend into society better, if that makes sense. I’m not the odd one for not smiling or not recognizing the emotions of other people now that everyone is having trouble with that.

This video describes the trauma is when diagnosed with autism as an adult. Someone who has masked all their life to survive in this world but hasn't realized why they do it, and who they really are.

As someone who masks less with time, I save so much energy for loving myself. Instead of thinking "What do I have to act like to earn this person's approval", I can think of things i actually need or want.

"And I'd prefer you didn't get to know the mask too well either..." I don't appreciate being called out like that. Except I do. Thank you Paul!

One of the hardest parts of late life Autism diagnosis was discovering I was masking. It certainly explained why I had such a hard time in religious social situations. So often I was told I was a sinner for things I said and did. When someone senses you are not being genuine, they can interpret it many ways.

I think this is why I can only hold a job for about 2 years. I can keep up the facade for about that long before coworkers start to figure it out

I related so strongly that I started to cry. I’m so tired from constantly masking around everybody in my life.

I didn't even KNOW I've been masking. My whole life. Even as a small, small child. Here I've been thinking I've been authentic my whole life and I could never understand why I felt so much self-rejection ... and now it all makes sense. Since I've come to understand that I'm on the spectrum, everything in my life finally makes sense. All the internal chaos is in order, all the cruel, critical inner voices have shut up and every failure in my whole life has suddenly been reframed as miracles instead. All the things I have hated myself for "failing" at has been me asking myself to do the impossible every single day my entire life, and doing it in spite of everything. I've never felt so proud of myself. Now I feel empowered to understand myself instead of fix myself, and now I know that everything in my life is going to change for the better. Your videos are changing my life. Thank you.

Chronic stress and anxiety and feeling lonely inside is definitely the long term consequences of masking for decades.

This was interesting... I've been accused of "pushing people away when they show interest in me". Maybe this is why. I was in a relationship with a neurotypical person. This was far before realizing I'm autistic. I've always been rather open about my sensory issues and such, because those things explicitly decrease the quality of my life. The responses have been mixed, though "You're too sensitive" is a common one. But I remember I kind of just naturally let myself be more "vulnerable" and authentic around my ex. She took issues with a lot of my stims, at length, particularly that I talk to myself and such. She asked me, multiple times, if I could quit doing it. I remember thinking: "what you're asking me to do is become someone I'm not". I think that was the point at which I realized part of me didn't want to save that relationship... but another part of me kept thinking that "Hell, if I can only quit being so weird and screwed up, then we can still be together". I blamed myself for that breakup for ages, and I tried for months afterwards to repress myself and to mask even while not around people. I thought that "maybe if I work on altering myself while alone, it'll get easier around other people and I won't slip up like that again". I'm luckily getting more and more over that, now. If something feels good to me, why shouldn't I do it? If something doesn't feel good to me, why should I do it? I've realized I can't construct my life to revolve around what would potentially be "pleasant" for someone else.

Thank you, Paul. You've affected so many lives in an overwhelmingly positive way.

I have been masking all of my life. My few close friends eventually saw through it, but most people see odd things if I am around them long enough. Unfortunately when I was young, this attracted predators. Sometimes when someone very intuitive sees me, I have to explain the truth. This happened when I had a part time job [while I had a full time one] and my supervisor caught on. This helped in this situation, it doesn't always though. Sometimes when I thought I was alone, I would open up and talk to myself out loud. Occasionally someone would over hear. A lot of people think I am brainy as I read enormous amounts of information and can talk about a lot of things. Usually though it is just me and my mate. I try to keep to myself. I have a very difficult job and if the wrong person knew, it would bring into question if I could do the job. Some people know here as well, but they fortunately understand. It is an exhausting thing. To be around a group of people, I have to ply myself with alcohol to feel normal and engage. That can't happen at work and during the day. When I was a kid, I got teased a lot, and I never could figure out why. I knew I was different, but it would not be till much much later that I found out why. Mild aspergers. Some people say, "oh no, you don't have aspergers, your not wacked out enough." That isn't very helpful. I am a professional dealing with others who have this and I know exactly what I am talking about. I don't ever see me putting down my mask until the day I retire. Thanks for your videos.

Spot on. Masked so much that I suffered total burnout about 4 years ago. Still not back to being able to work or function sustainably. Feels like I've masked to the point where the inside, authentic me has corroded away and left behind only the shell. In a twisted way, it's nice to know others can understand that.

I don't understand why this isn't talked about more. I feel like it's the most prominent feature of my personality. I believe it's the reason introverts are exhausted by too much human contact. When I'm home alone or around others with autism, I get a nice recharge because there's no one around that will make me feel uncomfortable.