Misunderstanding Autism & Body Language – Am I Anti-Social or just tired?

Having to mask around people who don't know me is so exhausting.

Some people tell me what my mood is based on the behavior they have just witnessed, often with knowing so little about me. When I was younger I tended to believe them without question.

You're absolutely right. That complicated message simply can't be conveyed with body language. I'm learning how to to "self-advocate" now, and it especially helps that more people in my personal world know about my ASD. I have greater freedom now to just say it: "You know, my mind is so fried right now, I can barely maintain twenty seconds of focus. I really want to talk with you, but now is a horrible time for me to try to do it meaningfully, do you mind?"

I figured out I am autistic just 2 years ago at 54 years old. (I am female) Growing up I had a terrible time with my mother. She always seemed to be so very negative towards me and we just clashed like oil and water. But since realizing I am autistic and knowing that autisim may be genetic, I began to analyze my mothers behavior much differently. Suddenly I understand her much better. Our relationship is much, much, improved.

Not having safe people to be around with Results into me wanting to be left alone lol I don't mind my own company

This video is so validating to me. I’ve been recently questioning a diagnosis of ASD. I have been trying to explain this exact experience to mental health professionals for YEARS and they tell me I have social anxiety or it’s normal not to know how to make conversation with people you don’t know or ignore what I said all together. I didn’t know how to explain to them so they understood that I have “No thoughts head empty just vibes.” I often can’t think of anything to say because I have to somehow bypass my brain having no thoughts and it makes me exhausted. It’s made me really struggle in social situations because I don’t know how to navigate it or what I was going through and people nitpick my behavior or call me names or just shy my entire life.

I've been saying this for years, the fastest way to piss me off is to accuse me of being pissed off when I'm not. 😖

I was just diagnosed earlier this year, at 49, so my special interest is currently ASD! 😁 Thank you Paul for your take on body language not matching your inside feelings. I have always struggled with this, but never knew why. I am open about being autistic and have taught my friends and colleagues about spoon theory so we have a code if i am spent. Otherwise, i still mask very well. Much love to all.

When family would visit and stay overnight or even longer is where I have had most issues. I always told them I need lots of rest and to not be offended when I need to go to my room and shut my door. I just fiqured if they were offended it was on them because I warned them ahead of time. I’m very sure family always thought that I was very odd. I was never officially diagnosed, but I self diagnosed a few years back taking the online tests. I’m 72, so I have had to mask for many many years, and it sucks out energy of which I don’t have much these days. I love this channel as I identifey and have learned so much. Thank you.

Yeah, very much enjoying the quiet relaxed state and not wanting to turn it into something else with tension.

Holy crap! This was really helpful. I experience a lot of this and beat myself up for my behavior . No wonder I'm always exhausted and hating myself. Thanks for the illumination.

This issue is really important to me. That of not being able to be around people because I am not able to meet the conditions they have for being social - and it can be lots of things. I don't even call it masking. I just am not able to adjust to their codes. I've been disappointed and sometimes annoyed at how people assume that their own social codes are normative and non-negotiable while any request or desire to do things in a different way is somehow wrong. Why? If behavior isn't hurting anyone, why not consider different ways of doing things. Listening to your friends isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being a decent and open human. And I think the narrowness and lack of flexibility and understanding that people are different hurts everyone. Autism may have an official diagnosis, but people without autism are WAY more varied than is sometimes assumed.

I experience this all the time. Something about my lack of facial expressions and the way I say things (even online or texting) makes people think I'm angry or arguing, even when I am happy and trying to be friendly. Sometimes when I say something people find lots of other hidden meanings and accuse me of feeling/thinking various things that I did not think.

That low energy state you are talking about... I call it the "Battery saving mode". I never thought about it as being calm, but I guess you might be right... I could call it being calm if I am alone, but with other people around they think I'm angry or depressed.

I've had many experiences of being told I was feeling an emotion I wasn't - it's incredibly frustrating. As a child when it was adults doing it - parents and teachers particularly - it was a significant source of distress causing feelings of powerlessness and self-doubt. Or when I was having emotion having that ignored or being told it was irrational. It's better with loved ones now we all know I'm autistic. They do a lot less misinterpreting of my mood, or if they're not sure they just ask and then do actually believe me if I say I'm fine but just zoning out a bit or something like that. It's so much easier. I used to be called anti-social often. I was actually just overwhelmed and also protecting myself - because social situations were repeatedly difficult when I was young and genuinely threatening to safety/comfort/wellbeing. Why would I want to be in that? I find now that I have safe social groups I really enjoy being around people and even some of the sensory things are easier as I'm not scanning for or fearing threats. The other thing that might make me seem anti-social is that I'm highly empathetic. So being around others I tend to have a big response to anything they're feeling or going through and if I don't have the capacity for that I may want to tune people out or avoid them. I am Māori and I find that social situations are far, far easier in that context than the Pākehā/western side of things. I feel much safer, much more enabled, can make more connections and be quite social. There are lots of reasons for that difference but I find it really eye-opening to see just how big the difference is when social connection is reliably safe, caring, accepting.

I've been told l was mean when I was merely concentrating. And told I was always angry when I was recovering from a serious illness.

I've been burnt out since this summer and became depressed after a friend died a little less than a month ago. Seasonal depression is starting to kick in too.

Thank you! I always cry listening to your videos, as what you say rings so true, and it's like I've carried a weight so long and can finally see what it is. I'm 65, self-identify w/ Asperger's (or whatever it's called now) for quite a few years now, and never even realized what I was doing all these 60 years, zapping me of all my energy when socially interacting, was masking, and when I come home and put that down, I need hours to recover, even if it is already way past my bedtime. I always just thought I was weird or something is 'wrong with me'. But No! I am normal, and that is such a relief, I am ASD normal. Maybe now with Medicare I can be diagnosed. Thanks again Paul for all you offer everyone out here, it is much appreciated.

i prefer using the term "a-social" over "anti-social". "anti-social" comes with a huge burden, stigma, by being easilly lumped together with anti-social personality disorder and psychopathy, which already happens way to often when media coverage of crimes uses "autism" as a label for anti-social/psychopathic behaviors. same goes for narcissism and autism...

Im glad you pointed out that calling someone angry can in fact be manipulative and make someone angry People were calling me angry during my mental breakdown when i was actually just scared and frustrated and helpless. And completely overwhelmed