The 4 Types Of Dismissive Avoidants | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Explained

I’m a da. Big tip for anyone dating or close friends with a da. If they start sharing something deep or emotional, do not openly pity them, it will shut them down. They will respond by making a joke or will act like what they were sharing wasn’t a big deal. But they will be leery to ever share with you again.

I am dismissive avoidant, I grew up being alone has a child, I couldn't have friends over and had to stay in my room 90% of the time. I have no father and my mother made it very clear she didn't want me. So I grew up with no love and being rejected by my only parent, I never learned how to be emotional, to trust, to depend on others, I had to fend for myself very young. My mother always stated she hated being a parent and only had me because that's what society wants. I am slowly leaning how to open myself up more in relationship but this sh*t is hard. I really just don't know how to do it. I get jealous of others that can connect with folks, it's something I just don't know how to do. But, I'm trying, wish my luck.

timestamps for y'all: 3:22 extroverted or social dismissive avoidants 7:30 enmeshed or people-pleasing dismissive avoidants 10:20 traditional dismissive avoidants 11:29 extreme or stronger dismissive avoidants

As I stood there watching my Grandmother being lowered into the ground at her funeral. My wife left my side and stood 100 feet away from me as I broke down crying for the first time in the entire funeral. I will never forget that.

Intro ends at 2:53

I wasn’t even aware that I was Dismissive Avoidant. I always had to be an empathic listener for both my avoidant parents who refused to take care of me to spite each other and prove a point. I felt I had to suppress my own needs and feelings just to survive in my environment, and now I can’t even tell what I’m feeling half the time let alone communicate it with my partner

1. Extroverted and social DA. Social connection not emotional connection. Pull away when it gets deep and avoid deep conversations. Pull away any emotional or deep conversation. They feel empowered among social situations. Lukewarm but not cold. Too close, there is a wall. Deflect and avoid situations. How your day things happening in your life defect and avert. Very sweet and even friendships and family, not understanding why someone is reacting so strongly? Why don’t they have a hold on their reactions? Confused manner. Privately very sensitive to criticism. Very strong cover over that. Usually will be interested if they have community or they have someone helping them through the situation. Any lack of trust they can be out of there. 2. Master people pleasing DA- characterized by primary emotional neglect. Hear caregiver emotionally depressed. Caregiver rely’s on. Older siblings taking on the emotional enmeshment. This person in a relationship will be very caring, really paying attention to detail, and a lot of resistance if they feel something being pushed on them. 3. Traditional DA. John Bulby work slow to warm up and think they had the ideal childhood, as soon as vulnerability and commitment talking rather than thinking. 4. Carry all qualities of traditional. Avoid all situations that involve emotional vulnerability. Potential relationship dynamics- fears run behaviors. Usually a lot of their personality has been built around avoid emotions. Least likely to do the work. Intro and advanced.

I used to think my DA ex was a psychopath because of his lack of emotion. My gran passed away and he would just sit next to me and watch me cry. No hugs, no comfort. Anytime emotional things came up and I talked to him about it, he would completely ignore the emotional or hard things and focus on the other things in the conversation.

Okay now we truly need further elaboration on the fearful avoidant leaning DA vs People pleasing DA video.

any female DAs learning about themselves and how to work on it through these vids? I'm shook that she's describing me accurately

I'm definitely dismissive. I have trouble getting past small talk to emotional conversations. It's not that I don't want to talk about my emotions. It's that I don't really know how.

I love this video. Not only is it super informative but it also helps prevent the "all DA's are ..." discourse and stereotypes. Every attachment style presents differently in every person and its important for everyone to keep that in mind.

This is so helpful. I was a people-pleasing DA for most of my life and would say I’m now more secure (leaning DA when insecure) because I worked so hard on reprogramming. My bf & I just broke up — he’s a traditional DA, so sweet and caring during our time together but distant when we became committed. In the beginning of our r/ship, I was still very DA but starting to working on myself. He ended up feeling kind of anxious, which I picked up, and we slowly became more intentional (but still unofficial). By 6 months in, after therapy and shadow work coaching, I was now in a more secure space and sought emotional connection in our r/ship. He was very closed off and awkward when I brought this up but when I made my boundary of us needing to be official or just end it, he decided to be with me. This only lasted two months before he felt too overwhelmed and drained by not meeting my emotional needs. I couldn’t understand why we were such different DA (even if you took my healing away) and this helps me process so much better. It’s really sad as a fellow/former DA to date another because you know how painful of a place they’re in. But as a more secure person now, it feels good to also… feel! Thank you so much for your videos. They’re helping me process my extremely upsetting breakup.

"Lukewarm" for the energy of the social DA is spot on. I dated one. She would enthusiastically engage with my friends over a board game and then when I asked if she would stay the night she said no. She stayed at my apartment socializing until 2 in the morning, chatting everybody up and then leave me hanging. I'm not owed intimacy by default but it was bizarre. She didn't even live in my neighborhood but a good 40 minutes away on public transit! She took an Uber from my place to get to hers.

Very helpful. I had a pretty good childhood. But I learned a dismissive avoidant style from my father, who dealt with the world in this way. I know that he loved us, but he did not know how to express this emotionally. He showed it in other ways, mainly by teaching us technical skills and making things for us, which I am very grateful for. The sad thing is that as he came into old age, he became more and more withdrawn and unable to express himself. Luckily, he had my mother to be a spokesperson, somewhat. Now in my early 60s, I am beginning to understand this (with the help of videos like this). I learned many useful things from my father. In the end, maybe the most useful is that I do not want to follow in his footsteps any more. Thank you.

My heart is breaking because I’m realizing that the man I love is an extreme DA. He’s never going to change.

i dated the first dismissive avoidant. the description is so on point.he has tons of hobbies and friends/acquaintances via these hobies. yet, he is one of the most closed off people i have met. Conversations were always 2- dimensional, zero depth. He told only once about how he feels about something and that was when we broke up and i was trying to explain myself, he did not understand me at all (i was trying to make up with him while he thought i was over-which was soooo strange because we spoke around 2 hours, face to face). He later explained he does not understand emotional conversations and therefore it makes him feel " frustrated" when someone (especially women) has an emotionally charged conversation with him...

This was a great video to help me understand my partner more in a positive way . Two months ago me and my DA reconciled and things were great up until recently. I low key regret giving it another chance. We talk when he’s ready to talk, he answers questions when he’s ready to answer questions, we take breaks of silence when he wants to be silence, we fix problem when he’s ready to fix a problem, we have sex when he wants to have sex, we plan when he’s ready to start planning. Ik i have so much to work on personally to enhance my relationships , being with a DA seems to have stunt my growth and my love. Regardless of how much I love him, Being with him has became exhausting and hard . Everytime I’m ready to throw in the towel n allow the space between us to be there he randomly decides to be in a better mood towards me. I’m tired. I’m anxious attach style n I’m ready to focus on being a more secure attachment style with a healthier partner

Extroverted dismissive avoidant here... and you hit the nail on the head with not understanding other people acting out emotionally but not in a judgemental way. I think emotions are beautiful and never try to put down peoples emotions. I support people letting their emotions out and talking them over. But I am confused by them a lot of the time. Like I have only cried after one breakup my whole life. And I really enjoyed the light hearted "situationship" relationships before I was married. So I get confused when friends get really upset after each breakup. I want to support them but don't always know the best way how because that's not something I have ever felt.

Team people pleasing checking in. Thank you for allowing me to be seen.