Fitting In vs Standing Out: When is Autistic Masking beneficial?

I've found it helpful to point out specific characteristics others may find unusual in a way they would understand, as opposed to simply saying I'm autistic. For example, I say, "talking to me can be a bit like talking to Alexa," and they get it. I don't have to go into a big story or elaborate more than that. It's enough for them to grant me some leeway when I need them to rephrase something I don't understand.

When I was younger I hated being different, and now.. meaning several years, I love it. Enjoy your differences. But I recently , watching these videos, I’m seeing I have things in common with others in aspire , which I like . I feel connected in a way. Always love your uniqueness

It’s interesting that you say you feel comfortable in a group of women as the only man. I can totally see your point of view. As a female, being in a group of females makes me feel like I need to mask even more. In a group of men, I’m usually more natural and don’t mind standing out since I’m already different, like you said.

First, I must say that I am really grateful I found this channel a few weeks ago, so thanks a lot Paul for your content. Actually, I have a question about masking, and I would be really interested to hear what people think of it. I’m in my thirties and discovered for the first time about autism a few months ago, and recognized myself basically in all autistic traits from strong social/professional difficulties to routines, sensitivity to sound/light/smells etc. It was a big discovery for me, because things started to make sense, and for the first time in my life, I felt that maybe I belonged somewhere. Of course, I will try to do my best to get officially diagnosed. The “masking” part though puzzles me a little bit. Because I feel that the main reason why I don’t manage to make friends is actually that I’m unable to mask, while “normal people” seem to do so naturally. Socially, I feel somehow like a sloth, while normal people would be super agile and fast monkeys, understanding, adapting and dealing with things without struggling. For example, my ex-gf was a really sociable clearly not autistic person, and observing her, I felt that her success to connect socially was probably due in part to her ability to adapt naturally to the person she was talking to, to always pretend being interested etc. In a way, she had many faces depending on the person she was talking to. As of me, I feel that my social handicap comes from the fact that I am unable to show anything but my own face. I feel like I am too raw and unable to adapt or make even small lies, while normal people seem to be much smoother in doing so. While totally relating to the social struggles of Paul and others and feeling like I share the same experience, does this sounds strange if I say that to me normal people are the ones who look like they wear masks – and are therefore hard to read and understand – while I am the one who doesn’t manage to as if I was always too naked?

I can totally relate to your Malaysia story. I noticed that while living abroad if there was a miscommunication it could be chalked up to me speaking a 2nd language. Any awkwardness could be perceived as me being from a different culture. People are much harder on me in my own country when I miscommunicate because I don't have an obvious excuse.

I really, really like this video. And I've done both as well. When I moved from the northern US to the southern US it was as if I had moved to a different country. I looked, sounded, and acted different from everyone else. Suddenly my differences were associated with my not being from there. Not with my just being odd. I also colored my hair Celtic red. Because I liked it that way. But it looked so natural on me that I looked even more Celtic than I already am. And it made it even more obvious that I wasn't from there. Suddenly the question was, "Where are you from?" instead of the unspoken, "Why are you odd?" It was really nice. I also do choose to reveal certain parts of myself based on what would be best accepted in a situation. And I allow the rest to be unknown. Not hidden. Just not necessarily revealed. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. But I don't need to broadcast all of who I am to everyone. I can pick and choose what to show to whom and when. That allows me to show an authentic version of myself without just flopping my whole personality down on the table for review. It was encouraging to see that you do pretty much the same. Thank you. 👍

🤯You videos are like cheat codes! All of these things happen to me and only 1 of them I had figured out. I love Asia and I realized part of it was because no one expects me to get things right it's so much easier to learn and they are normally willing to help. The comfort around women thing especially,totally the same but never made the connection (also old granda farmer types🤷🏻). Thank you as always, you help remind me I'm not alone out here.

A word of caution...I was explaining a lot of this, and the thought processes that go behind masking, to my wife a few weeks ago and she was absolutely horrified at the effort and constant concentration that's required in any social or professional situation. While we may see it as a practical thing, just a part of life that we have to deal with, NTs (particularly those who are sufficiently invested in our lives) often won't see it that way at all; not only is there the "So...you're just pretending when you're with me?" hurdle to get over, but once they try to empathise and put themselves in that situation, it apparently starts to look like every day is a waking nightmare even with them. Basically...it's worth being aware that you may need to be gentle before you go into such a conversation, rather than just bluntly dumping the details on them.

I always appreciate your nuanced discussion of masking. There seems to be a common idea that circulates in the autistic community that masks should just be simply dropped entirely. I am not sure that is a good, healthy goal, or even possible. If it's a subconcious survival instinct it can't just be switched off, and the environment must be safe to even think about doing it or there is risk of more rejection-based trauma. I like this idea of presenting parts of your authentic self. It is certainly true that having an inauthentic, masked self accepted feels like rejection, I've experienced that and it is incredibly, deeply painful. I also find masking by choice as an empowered, deliberate, considerate act to make others feel comfortable is sustainable and feels affirming when it's just short interactions - eg someone in a shop.

Some of these topics are so sensitive that it becomes difficult to explain my thoughts. Masking is one of those subjects that I rarely find myself in congruence with the larger autistic community on but this video is solid and realistic. I may experience differences of opinions on this topic because I'm so late diagnosed and so much other baggage/disorders have piled on over a lifetime. I have complex trauma woven into my autism and have from early childhood. I learned to mask without knowing I was masking because I needed to blend in. I didn't want to be noticed, I wanted to be invisible. It seems to me that neurotypicals mask as well but they learn to integrate with their masks early on in a more seamless fashion. Neurotypicals are, for the most part, one with their masks which is what I'd call 'personality'. Personally, I can't really help but be authentic but my authentic self is often something not appropriate to display. My 'authentic mask' is honestly more of a filter than a mask. I have to be conscious in a given situation what features of my authentic self are appropriate. If I'm feeling anxious, distressed, depressed or of low value, I'm not wanting to display that. There is hardly a situation in which I want to be authentic in that regard. I feel there is no other option but to mask/filter that. Many people with autism also struggle with trauma and people not struggling with trauma may not understand. I read often in these forums that we autistics must throw away the mask. Not a chance. My mask is the tool in which I can interface with others. It can be burdensome but without it I have no way to ease and regulate my social/interpersonal interactions.

I don't think I can point out a public version of my "authentic self". I'm not sure if it actually exists. I can change from (for example) an academic precise type to a simple country person with ease. I will often change dialect (or language) depending on where I'm trying to fit in (or not). The term "authentic self" really just puzzles me.

Oh my goodness. This is so lovely. I resonated deeply. I was homeschooled and have been using this to describe why I’m different my entire life!

I just want to thank you for your videos. I have a teenage son with aspberger. You help me so much with understanding and with how to talk with him. He's a great young man. 16 worked 2 jobs this summer and just bought his first vehicle. Again thank you.

I've had all my sessions (6 in total, 2-3 hrs each) of Q&A concerning ADD and autism. Results and diagnosis should be in within a week or 5 and in the meantime some of my relatives are being interviewed. I turned 50 in June.

Passing in this way is essentially still masking, except the mask is an elevated version of yourself. Outside of a small number of specific situations where I felt physically unsafe, I never mask using a false or imagined persona. My mask is me, but with a consciously regulated affect, and more consciously constrained body language. This is still a mask, it is still a cognitive drain, and it's still nearly impossible to maintain when I'm burnt out. But, when I am burnt out and the mask starts to fall off, I don't seem like a completely different person. At worst, people misinterpret my exhaustion for anger. For me this is a better way of masking, but it's still somewhat fraught.

I used to mask essentially all of the time, it led me to being emotionally and sexually abused because the default instinct became "conform to their expectations". Eventually I had a psychotic breakdown, recovered and was diagnosed 3 years later at 26. Something I learned to do was hide in plain sight. Most of the time I wear tie-dyed and rainbow clothing. I am left alone because I stand out too much, and additionally there is zero expectation that I will interact according to normal social expectations (statistical normal) simply by the virtue of the external presentation. I have found that social expectations are the predominate cause of a lot of my and my friends mental health issues. So, game the system. If part of autism is a sort of obsessive focus, then if we can aim that at social interaction then we may find them easier to deal with. Of course there are limits to this due to the vast number of contradictions within the standard set of social expectations, but it can help a bit. The one I find the most difficult is the "we want you to talk about your feelings and problems, but if those problems and feelings don't conform to our expectations then we expect you to lie." Especially when I say that contradictions like this ARE the problem. Want me to tell the truth and lie at the same time? Yeah, no. Being alone is better than dealing with that constant anxiety and stress load.

For those of us in our fifties who were children before any of this was even recognised in the main stream, masking was the only realistic choice...going to a parochial school like I did, any sort of standing out at all resulted in beatings and ridicule Backfiring was how you learned by precedent.

Hi Paul, I am so fond of your wise views on these topics! And I see those views as more a matter of humanitarian views, than just regarding people on the spectrum. It may count for all people who stand out. You don't want to let go of your autentic self, neither do you want to be provocative for no good cause. I am not autistic, just a bit of a nerd in my family and in other surroundings. My older siblings used to laugh a bit when I said something with a sarcastic tone. Later on, when I got more mature, I stared to talk about my 'inner values' - and to my surprise the whole conversation became much more difficult. I had dropped my sarcastic mask.. Some topics we do not tuch so much. Nowadays I am very content when we talk about gardening and the like, as I realized that I may have startled their inner sense of security, not only the sense of group values. Which of course was not expected from the little sister in a gang of 5 sibling. Group values often become some kind of inner security system. :D

Yes the whole area of (blending in : standing out) is complex. I think that I have settled for authentic polite me with the loud exuberant me but of cause I am almost always precariously close to slipping into hyper-vigilant mode because somehow much of the world seems to see these two 'me's' as in conflict. After writing this I'm now thinking and wondering; is being loud and exuberant rude..?.. I don't know, that's the problem I think it can be..... It's not an easy life :)

That is one of the best descriptions of being honest and private at the same time! Self control and integrity! My problem (up until now) has been understanding who I really am! We shouldn’t need to hide, but we don’t need ‘put it all out there’. Thank you!