Tim Minchin "One day you'll be as good as Elton John" | Universal Comedy
788,594
Published 2020-04-22
OH AND REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR HANDS
Taken from his 2008 special So F*cking Rock.
LYRICS
He looks at me intensely
Contact lens green with artifical envy
C*cks his head and fixes me with a condescending stare
Flicks his bleached, blond tipped hair
And theorises thus
You know what I reckon?
Pause for effect
Adjusts his tackle as if it’s semi-er*ct
I feel I’d better give him what I know he expects
What do you reckon?
A hand on the shoulder
An avuncular wink
Sips his lemon drink
Spits out the pips
Hands on hips
Licks his lips
Like a wolf near a flock
Yet again adjusting his fantasy c*ck
He delivers his philosophy
I reckon it don’t matter
It don’t mean squat
What you earn or what you got
Or the style of your hair
Or what you wear
It matters not
Like what do you care
That I live on a hill with views of the beach
That my chick and my dogs have an en-suite bathroom each
That I’ve already reached my first million and I’m only 26
You’re as thick as two bricks
If you think you can fix
What is broke in your life with money
And the funny thing is
And I sh*t you not
That I’d give it all up like that
He leaves me to ponder his wisdom for a bit
And with a click of his fingers
Beckons the blondest, bimbo-est barmaid
And grinning ridiculously
Orders a G and T
And a beer, for me
And before I can escape
He’s back saying
Cos mate, the thing is
All of that crap
It’s all superficial
It’s all just a front
Anyone can be a rich c*nt
But the thing we all want
Can’t be bought with dosh
You know what I mean boss?
Cos you don’t give a toss
That when I want to get slim
I’ve got my own private gym
And a personal trainer called Danielle or Darlene
She’s got t*ts
Like those chicks
In Ralph magazine
And it’s not like you care
That I own the controlling share
Of an overseas company
That builds accounting software
It matters not one bit
I mean who gives a sh*t
That I earn six hundred grand
And drive a brand new land rover
You know I would hand it all over like that
He pauses for a beat
Long enough for me to retreat to a seat
And sit, elbow on the bar
And contemplate this guru
With his white teeth and big car
And ponder silently my belief
That genius comes in many a form
And that this postulating, peroxided p*rn-star prick ain’t one of them
My specultaion cut short
As he reforms
Like Terminator II
And before I have time to abort
He descends upon me and snorts
I guess what I’m trying to say
In my own little way
Is that I reckon that musos and artists and that
Well I reckon they’re great
I know some people reckon you guys just sit on your bums
And don’t get out of bed til the pizza man comes
And smoke cones
And take crack
And wack-off all day
But I don’t care what they say
And I don’t listen to people
Who say that all actors are gay
Not that I don’t think that’s OK
As far as I’m concerned
Although it’s not my bag
If you wanna be a fag
Be a fag y’know?
Who am I to say
Where you come
And where you go
In the privacy of your own homo
Ha ha
Homo
Ha ha
Homo
Ha ha
He’s shitting me now
And my eyes start to glaze
And through the haze of my anger
I notice his G and T is gone
And he’s starting to dribble
As he dribbles on and fucking on
But you musos are alright
I don’t know much about music
But I know what I like
And I reckon I’d throw it all in
To be like you Jim
I mean you might be poor in monetary terms
But what you earn spiritually
What makes you what you are
Just means so much more
Than what you earn from a really nice car
Or a tennis court
Or holidays in Greece
Or a house on the beach
Or stock market shares
Or twenty-one pairs
Of Calvin Klein underwear
Do you understand you are a wealthy, wealthy man
I mean I don’t want to piss in your pocket
But i’ve gotta say
Before I get on my way
That honestly, and I’m not having you on
I reckon on day you could play the piano as good as Elton John
The cops are still mingling
Though the crowd’s shuffled out
I’ve got ice on my hand
Where my fist met his mouth
And although I explained
That it wasn’t my fault
I’ve a five hundred buck fine
For aggravated assault
So before it gets worse
I reckon I’ll bolt
A wealthy, wealthy man
In a 1981 Mitsubishi Colt
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All Comments (21)
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People don't understand how difficult it is to recite all that without following a repetitive rythm while managing to play every piano note in its right place. Tim may be a comedian, but he's a bloody great musician.
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Genius comes in many forms. Tim just happens to be one of those forms.
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Tim being able to deliver a contextually appropriate slur is a testament to his finesse and skill.
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It is unbelievable what he is doing with the piano... the tones match the discourse almost perfectly
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That gynaecologist one is the best joke i’ve ever heard
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Everyone has a genius; finding it is rare. Having a genius that is marketable; finding that is rarer.
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Legend says that the camera man insisted on zooming further and further into Tim's face 'till the point where nothing else mattered.
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Tim is a genre all to himself. We're lucky that he also happens to be very good at it.
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It's not just the comedy, nor the musicianship, nor the look, it's the whole package of brilliance, that's genius. Seeing him live is on my bucket list, right after survival.
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6:26 That "Tim" reverberated within my soul
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Tim's hair is my spirit animal.
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His eyes color is beautiful!
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He has such a light behind his eyes, he looks young, but he’s in his forties. And on top of all that he’s charming, an amazing musician, and a bashful genius in many respects. I love him
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I struggle to even say a single word to someone when I'm playing the piano so seeing Tim be able to do this is very humbling 😂
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The moment he paused after saying Elton John I got an ad... the Snickers ad with Elton John in it. I'm shocked.
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Tim: I dont call myself a sanger ... Everyone not from Australia: Yes you do!
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Some people can play piano Some people can write poetry Some people can perform comedy How the HELL does he do all three at the SAME TIME?
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I am tempted to say that he's incredibly talented, but this would not be fair towards the countless hours he must have spent singing and playing and reading.
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This guy is different. Funny and musical. Best of all, he's got the smokey eye down pat! What a package!
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I play piano and trombone. The two most phallic sounding instruments of all.
